06/09 Top Three Threats To Your Marriage

threats to your marriage
Posted by: wanttono9
Posted on: 2002-11-20 09:52:20

dr.phil,
i'm watching your show,and was intrested in your thoughts.
my husband of 10 years got a phone call from his mother in florida several weeks ago. she wanted to know it it would bother him if his ex-wife (they have 3 grown chidren together) lived with her.
while this situation really does not bother me at the moment being we live in michigan,i am however concerned that when there is an emergency with his mom he will go to take care of things for her. due to having chidren of my own, and a job that makes it hard to take off at the drop of a hat,should i be concerned because he will needless to say stay at his mothers home should he have to go there. how is the best way to approuch this with my mother-in-law,husband,andhis ex-wife
thank you
mendy swearingen
Give It Up
Posted by: sharonc32
Posted on: 2002-11-23 07:19:14

What are you worried about? Haven't you been married to this man for ten years? Do you think he is going to hop in bed with his ex-wife the minute he sees her or what? I don't think your problem is with your mother-in-law; I think you have trust issues that need to be dealt with. You see your husband's ex as a threat-why? That is what you need to concentrate on instead of being angry with your mother-in-law.
issues?
Posted by: hollydae
Posted on: 2003-06-09 18:04:33

Hi, I don't think that there are issues. I think it's comfort level. People don't break up because everything is fine. Clearly they weren't getting along fine and then divorced. On that alone, it would be uncomfortable to have the ex at the mum's house when he needed to visit. It will also be awkward for the Mum if her son no longer stays with her if he visits because the ex is there. I doubt it was a good idea on mum's part. I wouldn't have done that.
To sharonc32
Posted by: hobbit55
Posted on: 2003-07-22 19:23:59

I agree with you on this one, but have to add this to it. Communications is important in any relationship, and I've heard more than once on DR.Phil that it's important to express how you feel in situations like this. I think that she should set her husband down and discuss this with him so she knows that he knows how she feels.
Still close after 10 years
Posted by: magagy
Posted on: 2002-11-23 12:19:12

It's nice to see that your husbands exwife and his mother get along so well after 10 years. Most people would have moved on with their lives. Honestly you cannot be worried about your husband unless you have different reasons. However, if I was his mum I think I would have told the ex wife to find some other place to live. In my opinion this type of thing often leads to trouble.
I agree
Posted by: angelwa
Posted on: 2002-12-09 22:14:51

Dear magagy, I agree. I feel that his mother shold really be the one to stop this. she should be thinking of the other people in this scenario and how difficult it will be for them. She should really not allow this. that would be much fairer.
to I Agree
Posted by: hobbit55
Posted on: 2003-07-22 19:33:42

I think that before any judgement be made on the Mother-in-law on this more information is needed. If this is only a temporary situation there is nothing to be concern in any case. In a world that has so little compassion in it let's cut mom-in-law a break she is thinking of other people. Now if this turns into a long term thing then this needs to be reevaluated. In any case It is up to the mom-in-law to decide not anyone else as she has (hopefully) the whole story. Let's not forget the grand kids of the exes in all this adult banndering their feeling could be the possible first casualty, especially if they're close.
reponse to wanttono
Posted by: viewer35
Posted on: 2002-12-16 13:41:17

The answer is simple. Why assume he has to stay at your mother in-laws house if an emergency arises? He stays at a motel or a family friend's house, or ask the ex to leave until things are settled. The problem could be a long term issue or a short one. This is where you set priorities in your life and decide what is most important. This means if you have to budget for a motel, do so. I think you should first admit you don't completely trust or understand what influence this woman still might have on your husband. You are very worried about intimate interaction between the two of them. Would he refuse to stay in a motel??? Simply let the m-i-l know your expectations of boundaries if your famiy ever visits. Don't be embarrassed you expect boundaries. She is the ex and should continue to be excluded from your family events. This is acceptable and you can still maintain a cordial friendship with the ex to keep verbal communications open. This is just my opinion. Alot of people tend to not take a stand on an issue because of being viewed "mean". Just be matter of fact.
13 years
Posted by: joannatoo
Posted on: 2003-06-09 16:06:02

My Hubby and I have been married for 13 years. Within the 13 trs we have had alot of dips in the road. I know that he loves me and he iknows I love him, but I do not have the sex drive he does, He does get very upset at times and we have talked about it but it is still hard for me. I was abouse as a child and raped as a teen so some time I see him as the ones who have hurt me, he gets very confess with that. I hope in time I able to get passed this soon before I loss him.
13 years too
Posted by: pb4wego
Posted on: 2003-06-19 01:29:24

Hi, I read your note and have a suggestion for you. Like you have been married for 13 years we have had our ups and downs too. As for the sex drive it's on the other foot here. I love my husband and he loves me. I'ts hard to have that person not want to share himself,or herself with you sometimes its feels like rejection . I know you said you had been abused. But you married this man for some reason all you need to do is remember.( after all the fight of saying no, will last longer than the 5 min it will take to please him.
Been there
Posted by: scout_mom
Posted on: 2002-11-20 09:54:22

I can sure feel for this girl. I too have a challenging mother-in-law. We finally decided that the best thing is for me to only going to her place once or twice a year. She comes to ours about the same. I've suggested that weekends when I am gone would be a good time for her to come down. My doctor even gave me pills to calm my nerves when I am around Betty. He noticed that everytime I was around Betty I would end up sick with colds or flu... He's a DO and notices these things. We don't stay at her place (she doesn't like us sleeping together). We don't have our two families together (she tells my parents that they should be taking care of her since I took her son). She tells us about "good Boys" that "support their poor mom" by sending money every month. (She is well set... better than we are!)

To be fair... she is fabulous with boys. My nephews (my brother's boys) love to go see Grandma Dulebohn (that's right they aren't really related). She enjoys them and is always nice to them. She loves to be outdoors and go biking. She raised a wonderful son. She just doesn't deal well with adults! At least I can laugh about it now. I know that Joel supports me and understands that it isn't good for anyone when Betty and I are around each other too much!

To Kathy and her husband... come up with a private signal that you can do when ever "mom" starts up. It helps you to laugh.
Too angry for humor
Posted by: kathydag
Posted on: 2002-11-20 16:19:40

Hi...This is Kathy from the show. I appreciate your advice but I've already tried humor years ago and obviously it didn't work for me. I'm too consumed with anger now for any approach to work (yes I know that part of this is my fault because of this). I wish I could get past it and find the humor though. Maybe some day.
Hi Kathy
Posted by: garth2002
Posted on: 2002-11-20 17:20:54

I understand where you're coming from. My MIL passed away 3 years ago (after 30 years of trying to deal with her) and I still can't see the humor in the turmoil & distress during those 30 years. It's simply wasn't funny then, and it's not funny now.

I can also understand how you've gotten to the point where everything your MIL does grates on your nerves. That's because you have little reason to expect she has changed or will change the ways in which she treats you. She may do or say something completely caring or helpful, but after so many years of manipulative, self-centered behavior on her part, it's almost impossible to trust her. I honestly think the only way of solving this problem is by getting your husband involved. He and his mother need to have a talk about 1) accepting the fact he's an adult and has his own family now and 2) setting boundaries.

Isn't it interesting how most MIL problems are with the husband's mother, not the wife's?
MIL
Posted by: susie96
Posted on: 2003-06-09 16:20:49

Garth,

sorry to say--it is my mother who causes the problems in our marriage not my husband's mother. we are dealing with this right now--she tries to make it out like everything my husband does is wrong and I am a fool for standing by him. We are having to set limits and tell her as kindly as possible that she needs to go by our rules and limits and that we are willing to stick up for each other and she should not have a voice in what goes on with us. Unfortunately my sister is the one who tells her what is going on because I refuse to tell her much of anything anymore. But she blows everything all out of proportion. My husband is usually the one that tells her off though and it makes me look like I am controlled in her eyes so I am working hard to be the one (as Dr. Phil said to tell my mother to stop.
TO Susie96
Posted by: tahtoo
Posted on: 2003-06-09 20:16:42

From your post, seems it is your sister who is causing some problems too. Just a few suggestions, don't discuss your business with her. If it is a situation where she is aware of your personal through other ways than you, then set boundaries with her. Talk to her and ask her why she feels the need to discuss you with her mother. Why does she antagonize you? Are there issues you and she have that are the undercurrent of the problems. IMHO, I think it is your place to deal with your mom and your sister. Tell them to back off or don't call and stick to your guns. It is your life! I have in the past had to tell both my mom and my sister to MYOB...of course I said it very respectfully to my mom...and maybe not so respectfully to my sister. My mom has now passed away and we were on great terms when she died. My sister and I are also best friends. We don't always agree and agree to disagree often, but we know where the boundaries are!! I often have to remind her that I am capable of handling my own life...and we move on to other subjects!!
Empathetic
Posted by: sophie03
Posted on: 2002-11-20 18:22:31

Hi Kathy...I just wanted to say that you have my empathy. I too have a brutal mil. She doesn't speak to me most times, but when she does, it's cruel. She is so cruel that three days before my husband and my wedding, she tried to convince him to call it off, because marrying me would only end in divorce. Unfortunately for her, we have been married almost 3 years and going strong. At the beginning though, she was a very present problem in our marriage. She would pit my husband against me. Finally, I told my husband he had to choose between me and his mother. That didn't mean he couldn't have a relationship, it just meant that he would stand up for me and ignore her negative comments. After that things were great regarding her in our marriage. I try not to say hurtful things about her to my husband, because he knows the pain she inflicts but he doesn't want to discuss it (she is cruel to him often as well, but she is his mother, so he overlooks it). I understand the hurt that you feel. I used to agonize about my mil and how she treated me, but the best way I have learned to combat her is to ignore her. When she sends me things in the mail (ex: mean letters) or says cruel things, I shut her out and do not respond in any way. After doing that for about 2 years, she is finally leaving me alone. Now when we see each other, we are cordial, but it doesn't go beyond that. Hang in there, I know it hurts.
Hello Kathy
Posted by: mommakerns
Posted on: 2002-11-20 18:25:52

I know just how you feel, I have been trying for 7 years now to get along with my MIL. Just recently things have gotten better, but I do believe that the reason for this is we moved away from her, we keep our distance, but still allow her to be very much involved in my husband and our son's life. My husband has also gotten very tired of his Mother's crap and started telling her about it, to some degree. I think more could be said but I am just happy something is said at all. I to have a big chip on my shoulder, it is not an easy thing to knock off, when you have no trust in her. I just try not to get to angry and do everything in my power to ignore the small but hurtful things. Feel free to email me if you need to talk to someone who has gone through it. jmkerns@hotmail.com
Just try to remember you both love your husband and your child and soon to be.
Support for Kathy
Posted by: mayaeight
Posted on: 2002-11-20 19:28:48

Hi Kathy, I've never done anything like this before, but I just viewed your segment, came in here and did all that must be done to come to the message boards the first time, in hopes that there would be some way to let you know that you're not alone. Actually, I cried during most of your segment. I lived for 23 years with inlaws who began the sabatoge work before the wedding. The situation was especially bad for our oldest son who I brought to the marriage. Over the years we had more of those dining table talks than I can remember, until finally I said no more. I was very blessed with a husband who while frequently lost about what exactly to do, trusted and believed in me during the times when his mother's behavior became covert and one-sided. While I don't believe at all that the breakup of a family is always the right thing to do, my husband and children and I all know that it was right for us to end the possibility of any more toxicity being heaped on our family. I also wish that someone sometime would do a show that says that there are situations where walking away from the endless attacks is exactly the right choice. We consider that day to be our family's Independence Day. We've now celebrated 32 years of a great marriage, one of our sons has brought a wonderful wife to our family, and yes, sometimes all the happiness we have does seem like our victory. I'm not inhuman, it does sadden me to think that my inlaws will never share in the happiness of their grandson. But
I agree
Posted by: madiswan
Posted on: 2002-11-20 19:47:57

I agree with you. While its not for everyone, and each of these MIL relationships should be viewed on a case by case basis. My relationship with my husband grew leaps and bounds when we cut her off. There is only so much psychological abuse you can handle. Most of it I endured in the 8 years prior to the wedding. It really wasnt until it was directed at my husband did the light come on and he said "Enough"! We dont speak to her, join family activities, etc. Granted we dont have children so its not as complicated as some. That doesnt mean that it hurts less. I did allow my husband to make the choice of seperation from his family. He is a much different person than I married four years ago. He is happy and thats what matters. We did meet her cordially at a mutual friend's wedding two months ago. Needless to say, we sat on the other side of the church. She hasnt changed one bit, and I am glad we made the choice to do what we needed to do.
Help
Posted by: calibound
Posted on: 2002-11-20 20:27:10

I have been with my husband for 4 years and married now for 6 months. I do not get along with my MIL or FIL. We recently moved 3000 miles away from where they live for many reasons (one of which was them). I don't want anything to do with these people who have been nothing but rude and disrespectful to me. They even went so far as to come to our wedding but refused to speak to me and told everyone within ear shot how upset they were that we were getting married. My husband feels trapped in the middle. He does not like the things his parents say or do, but they are his parents. We have no children yet but hope to one day and I can't imagine my children being around such cruel people. Any advice or stories of in-law survival would be appreciated.