05/29 Surviving Divorce

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
Posted by: ceceian
Posted on: 2003-05-29 08:21:12

My husband left our family last year today for another woman, and has filed for divorce. My six year old son, who is normally outgoing, has withdrawn and is not himself. His daddy always put him first, and now my son has been pushed aside for another woman. Daddy doesn't even call him or visit, unless he is fulfilling the temporary orders- which is every first, third, and fifth weekend, and even then he's 2 to 3 hours late! He constantly lies to my son about things, making promises he never keeps. My son does not understand why his daddy don't love him anymore. His teacher says that whereas once he loved to draw and write in his journals in the mornings, now he just stares into space with a blank stare. If she asks him to perform a task, he just bursts out crying and is very sensitive. He has started to wet the bed again. It takes him 45 minutes to an hour just to eat his food (IF he eats then!) It angers me that the children have to be put through this mess. If you want to move on with your life, don't crush the spirit of your children in the process! They WILL remember, and you WILL have to eventually face the consequences.
for now...........
Posted by: alex3oli
Posted on: 2003-05-29 10:43:17

you need to pick up the slack. Talk to you son. Tell him daddy is having some problems. tell him something he can understand that will tajke the burdon off your son because he wants to know what HE did to send daddy away. If you have to lie to him to keep him from feeling like it is his fault. Children will figure it out later. Just don't make daddy the bad guy. Just that daddy is going thru something and it is NOT the childs fault. Thru this your son can learn something Good. He can learn to take care of himself. And not expect to have others to do it for him. That can be a good thing if you ehlp him with it. It can make him a strong person and someone that will make sure other will be able to count on him. (he will see what happens to others when a persons word means something). Just get your son understanding it Daddy who is going thru something. He can help, but he is not respondsable to fix it and he was not the cause. Good luck!! You love your son and say good things about daddy and your son will be a better stronger person for it. I am a divorced mother with 2 small girls. 2 and 6 years. I get it.
Understanding
Posted by: gooldy
Posted on: 2003-05-29 14:27:56

I have been divorce for 6 wks thier dad has been engaged for as long. My kids are falling apart 18yr son 10 old girl He took them to Mcdonald Mothers day weekend to let them know he was getting married to someone they don't know he is moving into her house and wants my 10 year old to spend the night. He led them to belive he was still going to be at his apt. He lives one hr from us and it is too much to pick her up for the day. I told him no overnighters till after the wedding. I don't think it is fair to anyone your first overnighter in 7 months in someone elses home. He told me he will not give me her phone or address because it is her house and I don't need it. What do you do when the other partner won't listen.
don't worry
Posted by: puddycat1
Posted on: 2003-05-29 17:22:14

Legally he should have to give you that information. If you are going to let your children visit that residence you have to be able to get in touch with them. Talk to your lawyer, he is out of line.
visitation
Posted by: mkay878
Posted on: 2003-05-30 20:05:07

Give your exspouse two choices:
1. Provide contact information to you so that you are not out of touch with your children
2. Donot take the children.
End of story. Don't play around with him, your children's welfare is at stake!
beenthere
Posted by: crbrtsn
Posted on: 2003-05-29 18:03:59

To reply to the lady that has a husband remarrying so quickly and refuses to give the new address. I was there 3 years ago. You are going to think that I am crazy, but this advice really works and stops a lot of the tension. Talk to the new woman. Find out how she feels about the children and tell her your situation. If she has children from a previous marriage or relationship than she will understand as long as you make it seem that you are not targeting her. Be real and feel her out. She is your best way to get your husband to change his mind. He is probably doing this just out of spite because of the new divorce. Until you have an address you do not have to release the children into his care. If in doubt, call your local Sheriff's office and find out your rights. Please know that it does get better. I have been divorced for 2 years and my ex remarried 3 months after we were legally divorced and moved without telling me. We have a son together and finally after many times of arguing with my ex, I called his wife. Come to find out she was not comfortable with the sneaking around either because she was married and wanted normal life with her new husband. My ex and his wife and myself and my new husband ( I remarried 2 months ago )are not the best of friends yet, but for sake of my son we do the best that we can. Just try it. It might work for you. Try to leave the attorneys out of it for a while, so as not to confuse the reality with raw emotions and talk.
Thank you
Posted by: reesia
Posted on: 2003-05-29 20:43:31

Thank you for sharing your story, My parents have had the same friend relationship as you are talking about and I have try and do the same thing with each of my divorces. This last one, we did not have any kids together, but my son, from first marriage, excepted him and was really hurt when our marriage of 141/2 years was over, (no choice of mine), and it really effected the grandkids. I just had to talk with my oldest granddaughter saying it is ok, if she likes and goes to her grandfathers marriage and likes the new gal, which happen to be a friend of mine. I am not saying there are not still some hurt feelings, but none that show with the kids. Everytime I try and tell my story to others they just can't believe that it is true and can really happen, it sure makes for a happier life.

Reesia
overnighters
Posted by: babajeantx
Posted on: 2003-05-30 12:19:51

you are right, no overnighters until after they are married and then after you visit the home and see everything is ok. If he does not like that he can talk to the attorneys. What a jerk. They never think of the kids, they are just cannon fodder in their way. However this should be between you and your x and not your 10 year old!
Advice
Posted by: wilsomark
Posted on: 2003-05-30 22:16:00

I think giving advice like that is highly questionable. Many things need to be taken into consideration, such as local laws, the divorce decree's child custody arrangement, etc.

Rarely is it the place of one divorced parent to go in decide that there will be "...no overnighters until after they are married and then after you visit the home and see everything is ok..."

The advice should really be: to go see an attorney or the child welfare authorities.

You're right, however, about leaving the child out of the loop. Unfortunately, this is also rarely the case.
To gooldy
Posted by: tessyone
Posted on: 2003-06-02 01:50:05

I live in Australia and my husband walked out on my daughter and I a couple of years ago. We had lots of hassles etc. He met another women very quickly after he left and then moved in with her, he also wouldn't tell me where he lived with her. So I wouldn't let him have my daughter, this went on for 5 months and so he decided he would take me to court. Apparently over here we don't need to know where they live etc. But he finally caved in before I had to go to court (just as well for me!!!) So how is our Justice System in Australia if a parent isn't allowed to know where her child is staying. I would put my foot down no matter what happens to know where my child would be with them, or we would be classed as bad parents if we didn't. So good luck and I hope the Law is better in America.
understanding
Posted by: marcy23
Posted on: 2003-06-03 15:44:28

Sounds like your ex is being his usual self-centered self. How does your 10 year-old feel about spending the night with her dad and his fiance in HER home? It's been my experience you may have to let your daughter be the one to tell her dad she really doesn't want to if that's the way she feels. Also, to ease your mind, you could let your daughter take a cell phone so you can contact her and tell her it's important to keep it charged and turned on. You do need to speak to your lawyer about having the phone number and address where your child is staying. You may be within your legal rights to keep your child at home until you have this information (a good custody lawyer will know). I have been there...the key is to keep the lines of communication open with your child in a positive way so she'll talk to you, and you can get her through this difficult time even though it may put her in some awkward situations. Then you can congratulate her for handling it so well. Good luck.
Hang in there
Posted by: leewashere
Posted on: 2003-06-04 08:59:31

You can not change the other parent. The best that you can do is try and make the best of the situation. My children's father moved his girlfriend in a few days after I moved out. It angered me but the anger was eating me and tearing the kids apart. You can not live your exes life. You can only live yours. Do NOT make disparaging remarks about your ex in front of your children. They will figure things out on their own. My children are all grown now and they now realize that their Dad has taken himself out of their lives on his own. They figured out what really went on without anyone telling them. You have to give your children as much support as you can. You may have to come to terms with the fact that you may never get any type of support from their father. Stand tall and do what you know is right. Your children will come through this. Mine did.
Re: For now.....
Posted by: ceceian
Posted on: 2003-05-29 23:33:41

Thank you, alex3oli, for your advice, I appreciate it. But I have already been doing the things you suggested- I wasn't posting this for advice, I was trying to show an example of what children go through when parents go through a divorce... and to make a point that they don't forget, even when we have half way healed... :)
Another thought...
Posted by: qqqhhh
Posted on: 2003-05-29 14:01:42

Have you considered checking in with a counselor about your son?

He sounds really depressed.

If he gives his pain a voice, it may help him finish grieving.

Be gentle, Q
men that are selfish/those left behind
Posted by: terri1961
Posted on: 2003-05-29 16:00:33

I do understand what children go through when there parents break up. But I will not lie or make excuses for my former spouse to our daughter.I do remind her that he is and will always be her father and no one is perfect when she complains and makes comments about him or his new wife. I have given up everything to be both parents and make sure that our daughter is well adjusted. My exhusband and his new wife have done everything to destroy me including using our daughter to get back at me. I tried everything to make things work for our daughter,but will not be abused.And will not allow abuse to be in front of our daughter. our daughter is 13 and does not want to have anything to do with them, as a result of visitation problems and incidents at there home and them fighting and calling the police. And her stepmothers children being taken from there home. Our daughter feels that her dad just abused and abandoned his family for a woman who would put up with his problems and abuse. I actually ended the relationship when he continued to abuse me in front of our daughter and I would no longer put up with it. Within a few weeks he threw our daughter into his new relationship and she resents it. when most men walk away all they are concerned about is there new relationship and not the children they left behind. who will be emotionally damaged for years to come. In my opinion they are selfish and the children are the ones left to try and go on and put the pieces together with the he
selfish men
Posted by: keeperofus
Posted on: 2003-05-29 20:43:14

well i guess your ex is such a jerk to hit you in front of your daughter,i dislike men who abuse women and there kids, your doing a good jb for not name calling him to your daughter, your the mature one,and your daughter going to his new familys house and seeing more of that well she old enough to make her own mind up about it. i guess its ben hard for you really,to have his new wifes kids taken away well you made the right choice to leave him, your daughter will grow up being a good person because of all your hard work and loveing her,good luck your a strong person to have gone throught what you did,
BRAVO!!
Posted by: ceceian
Posted on: 2003-05-29 23:37:46

AMEN!!!!! to those last three lines you typed, terri1961! I don't understand why that is so, but it is true in most cases.
I hear you
Posted by: 0727bjt
Posted on: 2003-05-30 07:30:54

My exhusband is a very selfish person. It is my opinion, and the opinion of many professional therapists, that he sufferes from a mental illness called narcissitic personality disorder. For the longest time I refused to accept this, not because I didnt believe it was true, but rather, I didn't want him to have an excuse to behave the way he does. What I have come to realize is that his unofficial diagnosis helps me deal with him. He will never change - one of the lovely symptoms of his disorder is that he believes he is never wrong - never takes responsibility for his actions - he is always the victim and can turn any situation around to support all of that. That is where understanding and accepting the disorder comes in handy. I no longer accept the blame and responsibility for his actions as I had for so many years. Sometimes it takes a lot of work for me to do that. After all, I have nearly 20 years of conditioning. But, I am working on it. Now, the hard part is helping my children understand what I have come to learn so they do not fall prey to it. I do not mean to imply that I bad mouth their dad, but rather, I want to give them or teach them to develop effective coping tools so they don't suffer as I had. Their therapist is very helpful is assisting me with this. I don't mean to imply that your exhusband does infact suffer from the same personality disorder, but, the similarity is that you need to continue the path that you have started by continuing not to
And I Hear YOU!
Posted by: diamndldy3
Posted on: 2003-05-30 09:41:59

My ex-husband has been diagnosed with the very same disorder ... and my children and I survived! I stayed with him and "covered" for him for 40 years until I just could not put up with him any longer. I divorced him almost 3 years ago and, finally, have the life I only dreamed about all those years. I did not "bad mouth" him at any point in the marriage or after the divorce ... I just let his actions towards his children and his grandchildren determine how they perceive him today. I have also made the information about his disorder available for his children and their families so that they understand, as much as is possible, why he acts as he does.
disorder?
Posted by: kimmiep
Posted on: 2004-04-27 09:40:57

What disorder are you referring to? - I'm new to this and just saw your message. Thank you.