10/15 Disciplining Your Child the Wrong Way?
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6Discipline
Posted by: lcomstock
Posted on: 2003-10-15 09:28:12
I watched most of the show at work today, and I found it helpful - but I have a question. Maybe someone can help me. I have a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a fiancee. He is not their father, and no matter what we try, they will not listen to him. When he tries to discipline them, they always run to me. They never listen to him when I'm home. They're good as gold when I'm gone.Does anyone have any advice?
Posted by: lcomstock
Posted on: 2003-10-15 09:28:12
I watched most of the show at work today, and I found it helpful - but I have a question. Maybe someone can help me. I have a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a fiancee. He is not their father, and no matter what we try, they will not listen to him. When he tries to discipline them, they always run to me. They never listen to him when I'm home. They're good as gold when I'm gone.Does anyone have any advice?
Protector
Posted by: ypedlar
Posted on: 2003-10-15 10:05:17
You are your children's prime protector, both from the world, and from their step-father. It seems you and your husband do not agree on how to discipline your kids. For some reason, he does not dare to use his brand of discipline when you are there. Probably, because you overrule him. The children know this, and use it against you. You both need to talk, and agree on a "battle plan", (and it IS a battle). Once you're on the same track and provide a common front, the kids will join.
Posted by: ypedlar
Posted on: 2003-10-15 10:05:17
You are your children's prime protector, both from the world, and from their step-father. It seems you and your husband do not agree on how to discipline your kids. For some reason, he does not dare to use his brand of discipline when you are there. Probably, because you overrule him. The children know this, and use it against you. You both need to talk, and agree on a "battle plan", (and it IS a battle). Once you're on the same track and provide a common front, the kids will join.
Discipline
Posted by: nickre
Posted on: 2003-10-15 10:13:05
Seems to me that you have conditioned your children to run to you as a way to avoid following their step-father's directions. If you supported your husband rather than giving your children an "escape route" to you, then they would stop running to you to avoid a negative consequence from their step father. You must reinforce your husband's discipline if you want him to be empowered. Even "comforting" them after your husband tries to discipline them, sends the message that he is wrong and you agree with the children because you are providing comfort and protection from him.
Posted by: nickre
Posted on: 2003-10-15 10:13:05
Seems to me that you have conditioned your children to run to you as a way to avoid following their step-father's directions. If you supported your husband rather than giving your children an "escape route" to you, then they would stop running to you to avoid a negative consequence from their step father. You must reinforce your husband's discipline if you want him to be empowered. Even "comforting" them after your husband tries to discipline them, sends the message that he is wrong and you agree with the children because you are providing comfort and protection from him.
questions
Posted by: cuddlemom
Posted on: 2003-10-15 10:16:44
Ok, I have several questions for you: 1) do you feel comfortable with his disciplining your children? Children will pick up on this if you are not and feel it is ok to run to you and ignore him. 2) Have you both sat down with the children and said to them that he is a disciplinarian authority and you will treat him as such? If not, young children will not pick up on this new dynamic of the relationship. 3) When they run to you, do you back up your fiancee? If not, you are teaching them it is ok to ignore him. 4) This is a biggie - do you let him discipline the children when you ARE at home? I, personally, feel this would back him up in disciplining the children, if they see you there and that you are ok with what he is doing.
Posted by: cuddlemom
Posted on: 2003-10-15 10:16:44
Ok, I have several questions for you: 1) do you feel comfortable with his disciplining your children? Children will pick up on this if you are not and feel it is ok to run to you and ignore him. 2) Have you both sat down with the children and said to them that he is a disciplinarian authority and you will treat him as such? If not, young children will not pick up on this new dynamic of the relationship. 3) When they run to you, do you back up your fiancee? If not, you are teaching them it is ok to ignore him. 4) This is a biggie - do you let him discipline the children when you ARE at home? I, personally, feel this would back him up in disciplining the children, if they see you there and that you are ok with what he is doing.
United Front
Posted by: mjteel42
Posted on: 2003-10-15 16:46:55
What do you do when they run from him and to you? It seems to me that you need to refer them back to him even though you're home. They don't seem to understand that he can be in charge even though you're home too. Good luck!!
Posted by: mjteel42
Posted on: 2003-10-15 16:46:55
What do you do when they run from him and to you? It seems to me that you need to refer them back to him even though you're home. They don't seem to understand that he can be in charge even though you're home too. Good luck!!
in reply
Posted by: denypsy
Posted on: 2003-10-15 18:10:57
I believe that it is way too soon for a fiance to begin to discipline your children. You need to wait until trust, respect, and marriage have been obtained. I would take it slow - one step at a time. Start with your fiance showing the children that he can be trusted and he respects the children... at the same time, the children must understand that you expect them to show him the same respect as they would show to any other adult. I believe right now you should be the primary source of discipline for your children.
Posted by: denypsy
Posted on: 2003-10-15 18:10:57
I believe that it is way too soon for a fiance to begin to discipline your children. You need to wait until trust, respect, and marriage have been obtained. I would take it slow - one step at a time. Start with your fiance showing the children that he can be trusted and he respects the children... at the same time, the children must understand that you expect them to show him the same respect as they would show to any other adult. I believe right now you should be the primary source of discipline for your children.
dicipline after I do.
Posted by: steele1725
Posted on: 2003-10-16 06:53:38
I agree with denypsy. I have said that all along. My current husband and i have been together now for 2 years, but have only been married since this past January. This is my 3rd marriage mind you and i have dated in between. My husband is older than I, and his beliefs have no room for slack. In the begining of our relationship I stated that because of past history with my children being witness to abusive men, that i would be the punisher for the time being. It was fine until something set him off. I have a 14 y/o son and a 11 y/o daughter. He has 3 sons he has not seen since the 80's due to a bitter divorce. He missed out on raising his boys who are nowin their 20's. My husband's idea of discipline is beat their butts, and ground showing no mercy. He has never hit them, but his mouth is enough to make me scream. I take offense to everything he says to my kids.In our home it's like "Sir yes Sir"! He constantly makes my daughter cry with saying something about her eating habits, how she looks, cleans her room, or listens. With my son it's always basically pointing out to him that he is lazy, stupid,and does't know anything about anything. In our home my husband you see, has expierienced it all, he knows how to do everything, and has the answer to everything. This is his 4th marriage. He expects A's and B's only. A "c" is not acceptable.He can never just talk to anyone. he yells, has to be right and has to be the center of attention. I told my children they will respect him as
Posted by: steele1725
Posted on: 2003-10-16 06:53:38
I agree with denypsy. I have said that all along. My current husband and i have been together now for 2 years, but have only been married since this past January. This is my 3rd marriage mind you and i have dated in between. My husband is older than I, and his beliefs have no room for slack. In the begining of our relationship I stated that because of past history with my children being witness to abusive men, that i would be the punisher for the time being. It was fine until something set him off. I have a 14 y/o son and a 11 y/o daughter. He has 3 sons he has not seen since the 80's due to a bitter divorce. He missed out on raising his boys who are nowin their 20's. My husband's idea of discipline is beat their butts, and ground showing no mercy. He has never hit them, but his mouth is enough to make me scream. I take offense to everything he says to my kids.In our home it's like "Sir yes Sir"! He constantly makes my daughter cry with saying something about her eating habits, how she looks, cleans her room, or listens. With my son it's always basically pointing out to him that he is lazy, stupid,and does't know anything about anything. In our home my husband you see, has expierienced it all, he knows how to do everything, and has the answer to everything. This is his 4th marriage. He expects A's and B's only. A "c" is not acceptable.He can never just talk to anyone. he yells, has to be right and has to be the center of attention. I told my children they will respect him as
WHY??
Posted by: lmopanther
Posted on: 2003-10-16 08:04:22
why would you let your kids go through that? I dont understand? I am not judging you.. but he is just your husband, they are your children. If he cant treat your children with respect, or at least dicipline them the way that YOU wish them to be diciplined.. then he needs to go. Your children didnt ask to be put in that situation. Their upbringing is the most important thing in your life. They should be happy and healthy. Not scared and tortured by someone who isnt respecing you.
Posted by: lmopanther
Posted on: 2003-10-16 08:04:22
why would you let your kids go through that? I dont understand? I am not judging you.. but he is just your husband, they are your children. If he cant treat your children with respect, or at least dicipline them the way that YOU wish them to be diciplined.. then he needs to go. Your children didnt ask to be put in that situation. Their upbringing is the most important thing in your life. They should be happy and healthy. Not scared and tortured by someone who isnt respecing you.
My 2 Cents Worth
Posted by: mom2kjs
Posted on: 2003-10-15 18:26:46
When my husband and I were going through our pre-marriage counseling with our pastor one of the things we were told was to parent our own children the first year. I discipline mine if necessary and he disciplined his if necessary. Although I held up my end my husband really didn't and you can tell. I have a great relationship with my step-daughter and my husband's relationship with my boys is much more touch and go. They know that my husband loves them but get very frustrated anyway. Also, if the kids run to you...don't give in...send them back to your fiance and let him deal with it. Make sure that you have both agreed upon what the appropriate consequences are for different choices that the kids make. Anyway, that is my 2 cents worth.
Posted by: mom2kjs
Posted on: 2003-10-15 18:26:46
When my husband and I were going through our pre-marriage counseling with our pastor one of the things we were told was to parent our own children the first year. I discipline mine if necessary and he disciplined his if necessary. Although I held up my end my husband really didn't and you can tell. I have a great relationship with my step-daughter and my husband's relationship with my boys is much more touch and go. They know that my husband loves them but get very frustrated anyway. Also, if the kids run to you...don't give in...send them back to your fiance and let him deal with it. Make sure that you have both agreed upon what the appropriate consequences are for different choices that the kids make. Anyway, that is my 2 cents worth.
Parenting/Discipline
Posted by: fswork
Posted on: 2003-10-15 19:03:43
Dear lcomstock:
You need to stand united with your fiancee. Let the children know that you agree with his discipline rules, and going to enforce what he has said or done (Within reason.) Being a Family Support Worker, I have seen this far to often. The children are testing their limits with your future husband, and will continue to do so until they find they can't win the battle.
Posted by: fswork
Posted on: 2003-10-15 19:03:43
Dear lcomstock:
You need to stand united with your fiancee. Let the children know that you agree with his discipline rules, and going to enforce what he has said or done (Within reason.) Being a Family Support Worker, I have seen this far to often. The children are testing their limits with your future husband, and will continue to do so until they find they can't win the battle.
I agree...
Posted by: wilsonkaty
Posted on: 2005-06-03 13:29:05
My husband and I had a similar problem with his 5 year old son. We just had to make sure and talk about our beliefs on discipline first and then when something would come up, we would have to be united no matter what. It's not time to discuss it when a situation arises - that should be done beforehand. My husband and I currently have a rule that he administers most of the discipline (mainly because we believe that is the dad's job) but because I am with his son all day every day and he is at work, there are times when I have to administer some sort of discipline to him, so I have found that time-outs if he's rowdy or physical, or if he messes something up, he has to clean it, etc. really works. There are still times when he does not want to listen to me, so I inform his father, and he reinforces what I had said to him earlier in the day. I know your situation is a little different because the man is not their father, but I think that after showing unity on that front, the children will adapt to listening to him more.
Posted by: wilsonkaty
Posted on: 2005-06-03 13:29:05
My husband and I had a similar problem with his 5 year old son. We just had to make sure and talk about our beliefs on discipline first and then when something would come up, we would have to be united no matter what. It's not time to discuss it when a situation arises - that should be done beforehand. My husband and I currently have a rule that he administers most of the discipline (mainly because we believe that is the dad's job) but because I am with his son all day every day and he is at work, there are times when I have to administer some sort of discipline to him, so I have found that time-outs if he's rowdy or physical, or if he messes something up, he has to clean it, etc. really works. There are still times when he does not want to listen to me, so I inform his father, and he reinforces what I had said to him earlier in the day. I know your situation is a little different because the man is not their father, but I think that after showing unity on that front, the children will adapt to listening to him more.
back your partner
Posted by: lifedream1
Posted on: 2003-10-15 19:30:59
You need to back your partner at all times when he is disciplining the children and he needs to do the same for you. When the children see that they have to do what he say even if you are there the power struggles will decrease. If you disagree with your mate always discuss issues in private so the children will not hear. I'm a preschool teacher and my teaching staff are always dealing with "mommy against daddy" game. Each of us back one another and follow through with what was requested of that child.
Posted by: lifedream1
Posted on: 2003-10-15 19:30:59
You need to back your partner at all times when he is disciplining the children and he needs to do the same for you. When the children see that they have to do what he say even if you are there the power struggles will decrease. If you disagree with your mate always discuss issues in private so the children will not hear. I'm a preschool teacher and my teaching staff are always dealing with "mommy against daddy" game. Each of us back one another and follow through with what was requested of that child.
been there, done that
Posted by: jeanniea
Posted on: 2003-10-15 19:31:44
I have four sons and when my husband and I got married, this is what worked for us (they were 4, 5, 7, and 9). We had exactly the same issue! I would make myself temporarily "unavailable" by reading a book, taking a bath, cooking dinner. When they came to me with a question, I'd say, "I can't help you right now, go ask Dad," and I'd keep on doing what I was doing. When they saw that I was defering my "power" to him as an equal, they began to go to him on their own. Sometimes I'd even say, "No, but ask Dad and if he says yes then it's OK with me." My husband would be listening and I'd wink at him, then he'd go ahead and give the yes. It made the boys really want to bond with him more and more. It just takes time. Be patient and don't push either the kids or your fiance to fill the "Dad" place too soon... if he's serious abouth is commitmetn to them and to you it'll happen! Hang in there :)
Posted by: jeanniea
Posted on: 2003-10-15 19:31:44
I have four sons and when my husband and I got married, this is what worked for us (they were 4, 5, 7, and 9). We had exactly the same issue! I would make myself temporarily "unavailable" by reading a book, taking a bath, cooking dinner. When they came to me with a question, I'd say, "I can't help you right now, go ask Dad," and I'd keep on doing what I was doing. When they saw that I was defering my "power" to him as an equal, they began to go to him on their own. Sometimes I'd even say, "No, but ask Dad and if he says yes then it's OK with me." My husband would be listening and I'd wink at him, then he'd go ahead and give the yes. It made the boys really want to bond with him more and more. It just takes time. Be patient and don't push either the kids or your fiance to fill the "Dad" place too soon... if he's serious abouth is commitmetn to them and to you it'll happen! Hang in there :)
to icomstok
Posted by: redhair524
Posted on: 2003-10-15 21:21:09
i feel what you feel.i was a mom of a 2 and 5 year old boys and remarried. since thier fathers are not active in thier lives it was easy for my kids to love my new husband. is thier father active in thier lives and telling them to disrespect your fiancee?the kids could also be jealous of the man in your life. talk to them and see what they feel about your fiancee, kids feel things that we don't because love is blind.
Posted by: redhair524
Posted on: 2003-10-15 21:21:09
i feel what you feel.i was a mom of a 2 and 5 year old boys and remarried. since thier fathers are not active in thier lives it was easy for my kids to love my new husband. is thier father active in thier lives and telling them to disrespect your fiancee?the kids could also be jealous of the man in your life. talk to them and see what they feel about your fiancee, kids feel things that we don't because love is blind.
Simple
Posted by: gavsmomma
Posted on: 2003-10-16 00:48:15
One thing you could do is be absolutely firm. If you truly trust this man to help "rule the roost" in terms of disciplining your children, then you need to really relay that to the children. If they come running to you, let them know, "Excuse me, but (name) said no. You need to listen to him," and leave it at that. After awhile they'll see you united with him as his partner, and learn that it's not choosing sides and using their position with you as their mother against him. It's more you having someone they need to respect.
Posted by: gavsmomma
Posted on: 2003-10-16 00:48:15
One thing you could do is be absolutely firm. If you truly trust this man to help "rule the roost" in terms of disciplining your children, then you need to really relay that to the children. If they come running to you, let them know, "Excuse me, but (name) said no. You need to listen to him," and leave it at that. After awhile they'll see you united with him as his partner, and learn that it's not choosing sides and using their position with you as their mother against him. It's more you having someone they need to respect.
have you tried?
Posted by: katem777
Posted on: 2003-10-16 06:27:39
When your children run to you, how do you respond? If you want them to listen to him, you should be responding: "You heard what 'Fiance' said." Or "what did 'Fiance' say?...then that's how it is!" You two must present a united front, at all times, in front of your daughters, or else they will never respect his ways when you are there.
Posted by: katem777
Posted on: 2003-10-16 06:27:39
When your children run to you, how do you respond? If you want them to listen to him, you should be responding: "You heard what 'Fiance' said." Or "what did 'Fiance' say?...then that's how it is!" You two must present a united front, at all times, in front of your daughters, or else they will never respect his ways when you are there.
Posted by: loveans
Posted on: 2003-10-16 14:22:46
My husband had a daughter before we met. She was small, but she tried to get away with everything. She would never listen to anything I said. Throw fits, etc. The best way for you to deal with this I think would be to sit down with your husband and children and explain to them that you both understand this is a hard thing to adjust to but they should respect him and listen when he tells them to do something. Also when they run to you tell them that it's not up to you and that he said to do it, and you should enforce this. They are trying test limits. When you the mother enforce it, they will begin to learn.
discipline
Posted by: igot4kids
Posted on: 2003-10-16 17:28:30
I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and it was hard to get them to listen to their stepdad. It kind of sounds like the problem is your actions and/or reactions since they're good when you're gone....
Posted by: igot4kids
Posted on: 2003-10-16 17:28:30
I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and it was hard to get them to listen to their stepdad. It kind of sounds like the problem is your actions and/or reactions since they're good when you're gone....
see through your childrens eyes
Posted by: taralyne
Posted on: 2003-10-22 12:06:10
My advice depends on what you mean by Discipline. A new step father should not have full authority to discipline. He is a stranger to your children. They need to learn to trust him as an adult and friend. He is not their father. You should be in charge of discipling. He should understand that. You should try to sympathize with how your children may fill, even at that age.
Posted by: taralyne
Posted on: 2003-10-22 12:06:10
My advice depends on what you mean by Discipline. A new step father should not have full authority to discipline. He is a stranger to your children. They need to learn to trust him as an adult and friend. He is not their father. You should be in charge of discipling. He should understand that. You should try to sympathize with how your children may fill, even at that age.
Posted by: mrswheeler
Posted on: 2004-05-10 14:30:13
Okay, I have a lot to say here. I have two children ages 12 and 14 whom have had a stepdad for five years. At first he was the "fun guy" and I was the one doing all the disciplining. Their father gets them on a regular basis and told them they didn't have to listen to their stepdad which is conflicting and hurtful to us (he doesn't do this anymore). Most of our full blown arguments stem from their stepdad being in charge and they feel like they don't have to listen to him. I want them to respect him, however I think the kids think it is a big joke. Now I just walk away and tell the kids they have to listen and do what he says, lots of times I respond after the discpline has been ordered by saying "Too bad, he's in charge and you do it." I try really hard to back him up 100% of the time, don't ever berate him in front of the kids. I've done that too and when I saw my kids doing it to him, it shocked me at my behavior. We have tried almost everything to get the kids to respect him, but the more "power" he wants the less the kids respond. I think the kids need to know he loves them and he can be their soft landing. When a stepdad shows respect (not a pushover)to the kids they will show it back to him. In our situation, the less he yells at them the more they respond. Cut and dry. He has even taken the tv, vcr and stereo out of my daughter's room and removed the cable from my son's room without him having to say very much. Actions are louder than words and as long as he is consistent and non-abusive then tell your husband to be firm and let the kids know that you respect his decision making. All it takes is one time him taking away something and they see you are there helping him and they will understand that they cannot behave that way with him either. My children have threatened to "go live with Dad" many, many times, and my response to that is "Well, you wouldn't do this to Dad, what makes you think you can do this here in our home!" I promise you, things will get better. It isn't easy when the mom is put in the middle, but you have the power to take yourself out.
