09/09 Couple Wars
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6Couple Wars - Steve and his daughter
Posted by: janetgray5
Posted on: 2003-09-09 10:27:41
I am in a relationship with a man who is not my daughter's biological father. I was brought up in a household with a step father very much like Steve is with his step daughter. I am 45 years old and would like to pass on a message to confirm the need Dr. Phil expressed to Steve about opening his heart to his step-daughter. When I was 16 my mother died. I had lived with my mom and step-father for 7 years (he was a part of my life however, for many years before their marriage). He was a very strict, highly expectatory person. There was not much cuddling, love or bonding between us. Upon my mother's death, I went to live with her sister. Again, I was in a situation where the "father figure" was critical of my every move. At the age of 22, I got married, like Dr. Phil said to the first man that showed me any affection or caring. Now 22 years later, I am divorced have an 8 year-old daughter and am involved in a very mature relationship with a wonderful man. I want to tell Steve that very often Fathers (biological or otherwise) don't realize the impact they have on their daughters (biological or otherwise). They are the "man" that represents what daughters often use as criteria for selecting husbands and future fathers of their children. The mistake I made was in latching on to someone the total opposite of the men who had represented the "fathers" in my life. I truly appreciate what he is trying to do. I have often heard the gentleman in my life now say that he does
Posted by: janetgray5
Posted on: 2003-09-09 10:27:41
I am in a relationship with a man who is not my daughter's biological father. I was brought up in a household with a step father very much like Steve is with his step daughter. I am 45 years old and would like to pass on a message to confirm the need Dr. Phil expressed to Steve about opening his heart to his step-daughter. When I was 16 my mother died. I had lived with my mom and step-father for 7 years (he was a part of my life however, for many years before their marriage). He was a very strict, highly expectatory person. There was not much cuddling, love or bonding between us. Upon my mother's death, I went to live with her sister. Again, I was in a situation where the "father figure" was critical of my every move. At the age of 22, I got married, like Dr. Phil said to the first man that showed me any affection or caring. Now 22 years later, I am divorced have an 8 year-old daughter and am involved in a very mature relationship with a wonderful man. I want to tell Steve that very often Fathers (biological or otherwise) don't realize the impact they have on their daughters (biological or otherwise). They are the "man" that represents what daughters often use as criteria for selecting husbands and future fathers of their children. The mistake I made was in latching on to someone the total opposite of the men who had represented the "fathers" in my life. I truly appreciate what he is trying to do. I have often heard the gentleman in my life now say that he does
couple wars/ Steve & his daughter
Posted by: hiwaystar9
Posted on: 2003-09-09 12:16:50
I only wish my husband could of been here for this show.I have my 17 year old living with us now.She is ready to go back and live with her verbly abusive father.My husband is always arguing about her intrusion in our lives,andthe amount of time I don't give him anymore.He also has children from previous marrige,but he acts like there are so much different than mine.He makes excuses for all their behavior,and here lately wants to be in their lives.We are very much made to feel like we are not as good as his is.He knows I cannot get out on my own at this time.When he talks to her, he is always telling her he does't know what makes me act the way I do,and that he is doing the best he can.But in the meantime he is making my life a living hell.After my 17 year old son dying 3 years ago,I need her and I hope she still needs me.Can anyone help?I fight depression every day
Posted by: hiwaystar9
Posted on: 2003-09-09 12:16:50
I only wish my husband could of been here for this show.I have my 17 year old living with us now.She is ready to go back and live with her verbly abusive father.My husband is always arguing about her intrusion in our lives,andthe amount of time I don't give him anymore.He also has children from previous marrige,but he acts like there are so much different than mine.He makes excuses for all their behavior,and here lately wants to be in their lives.We are very much made to feel like we are not as good as his is.He knows I cannot get out on my own at this time.When he talks to her, he is always telling her he does't know what makes me act the way I do,and that he is doing the best he can.But in the meantime he is making my life a living hell.After my 17 year old son dying 3 years ago,I need her and I hope she still needs me.Can anyone help?I fight depression every day
Posted by: dyno95
Posted on: 2003-09-09 17:42:37
I totally understand what you are going through. I am in my second marriage of seven years. We have his two sons, 15 and 13, the oldest living with us since we got married the youngest just the past year. My two daughters, 14 and 11. And we have a 6 yo daughter and a 1 yo son together. My husband is constantly at odds with my girls especially the oldest. She has at time said she wants to run away. My 11 year crys all the time and feels like she is always getting in trouble. My marriage is definately on the rocks because of this. And he says that he is not unfair, but it is all in his tone of voice and he usually has a 2 hour sermon to tell me kids and his get told "Don't do it again." most of the time. I too am living with depression and obesity because of this. I am now contemplating gastric bypass surgery to deal with the overweight part, but this is no "fix" for the other problem that I can see. It is tearing my girls away from me, because most of the time I just try to ignore his abusing behavior because we end up have a huge fight that last for days and makes the kids feel so much worse. I wish I could help you, but I can barely keep my head up right now. Just keep trying, I guess
Steve& his stepdaughter
Posted by: hiwaystar9
Posted on: 2003-09-09 19:16:39
I sure wish Dr.Phil was'nt so busy these days.Lord knows I could never afford to go on his show,much less bring my husband.I wish I had the means to save my daughter,because with no means of getting out on my own,I don't know what to do.How many innocent lives are lost because of stupid mistakes.My daughter is for sure going back to her abusive father this weekend.I feel I have failed her so bad.I have no moneyof my own.I feel I have failed her so maney times&myself.Is there anyonewith an answer?
Posted by: hiwaystar9
Posted on: 2003-09-09 19:16:39
I sure wish Dr.Phil was'nt so busy these days.Lord knows I could never afford to go on his show,much less bring my husband.I wish I had the means to save my daughter,because with no means of getting out on my own,I don't know what to do.How many innocent lives are lost because of stupid mistakes.My daughter is for sure going back to her abusive father this weekend.I feel I have failed her so bad.I have no moneyof my own.I feel I have failed her so maney times&myself.Is there anyonewith an answer?
STEVE& HIS STEPDAUGHTER
Posted by: chrisk13
Posted on: 2003-09-10 10:28:14
Unfortunately, I am in the same situation. I have an 8 year old son that his step-dad completely ignores unless of coarse he is punishing him. My first husband was verbally and physically abusive. Not a good role model for my 8 year old. My husband now has never been married before and we have a newborn baby. I often wonder what effects the newborn will have on my son. My husband is a GREAT husband and a Great Dad but I question his ability to be a step dad. He often says he doesn't like my 8 year old. I am sure he doesn't love him. My 8 year old has major anger issues and often lashes out at me so this makes my husband very angry. My 8 year old says he wants to go live with his dad. How can it be so miserable here that he would rather live with his dad that verbally abuses his stepmom. I also wish I could meet Dr. Phil. I could totally relate to the show yesterday.
Posted by: chrisk13
Posted on: 2003-09-10 10:28:14
Unfortunately, I am in the same situation. I have an 8 year old son that his step-dad completely ignores unless of coarse he is punishing him. My first husband was verbally and physically abusive. Not a good role model for my 8 year old. My husband now has never been married before and we have a newborn baby. I often wonder what effects the newborn will have on my son. My husband is a GREAT husband and a Great Dad but I question his ability to be a step dad. He often says he doesn't like my 8 year old. I am sure he doesn't love him. My 8 year old has major anger issues and often lashes out at me so this makes my husband very angry. My 8 year old says he wants to go live with his dad. How can it be so miserable here that he would rather live with his dad that verbally abuses his stepmom. I also wish I could meet Dr. Phil. I could totally relate to the show yesterday.
Steve & His Stepdaughter
Posted by: jmarie22
Posted on: 2003-09-10 10:36:00
Wow, this is the first time I have came on here and boy am I glad I did. I feel everything all of you are feeling. I have gone outside of the box and actually left for a summer. WOW, what a joy that was. I felt alive again!!!! I lost two jean sizes in three weeks just because I felt like getting up and doing something. I can't forgive my husband for the way he treats my son, but I don't know how to not mess it up for my daughter (ours). My son asks me all the time, "why does dad play with Megan and not me?" "Why does dad tease me?" "Why does dad...., Why does dad?" I feel like I want to scream. There are not any good answers. I so want to leave, I just don't know how to take the first step.
Posted by: jmarie22
Posted on: 2003-09-10 10:36:00
Wow, this is the first time I have came on here and boy am I glad I did. I feel everything all of you are feeling. I have gone outside of the box and actually left for a summer. WOW, what a joy that was. I felt alive again!!!! I lost two jean sizes in three weeks just because I felt like getting up and doing something. I can't forgive my husband for the way he treats my son, but I don't know how to not mess it up for my daughter (ours). My son asks me all the time, "why does dad play with Megan and not me?" "Why does dad tease me?" "Why does dad...., Why does dad?" I feel like I want to scream. There are not any good answers. I so want to leave, I just don't know how to take the first step.
To all: Don't Give Up
Posted by: kdalejr
Posted on: 2003-09-10 11:19:20
I just want to let all of you know that Steve has been doing great since we went on Dr. Phil. I know that things won't happen over night. We tapped at Dr. Phil's in May and now it is September and he is really trying. What is even more important, is that Hope sees that he is trying and she is much happier. So I say to all of you, don't give up. Thank God Steve loves our family enough to want to try.
Posted by: kdalejr
Posted on: 2003-09-10 11:19:20
I just want to let all of you know that Steve has been doing great since we went on Dr. Phil. I know that things won't happen over night. We tapped at Dr. Phil's in May and now it is September and he is really trying. What is even more important, is that Hope sees that he is trying and she is much happier. So I say to all of you, don't give up. Thank God Steve loves our family enough to want to try.
How did you get there?
Posted by: jgrant1170
Posted on: 2003-09-22 13:06:59
I'm glad to hear that things are improving between Steve and Hope. I begged my husband to watch the tape and he saw himself in Steve. I have a 10 yo son and we have a 3 yo son together. The same scenarios happen in our lives. What did Steve do to open up to Hope? Spend more one on one time together? Show interest in her life, school, friends? Or, did he ease up on the constant criticism? We know that my husband needs to be a more positive "pivotal person", but we're (he's) not sure HOW to get there. Any ideas would be helpful! Thanks.
Posted by: jgrant1170
Posted on: 2003-09-22 13:06:59
I'm glad to hear that things are improving between Steve and Hope. I begged my husband to watch the tape and he saw himself in Steve. I have a 10 yo son and we have a 3 yo son together. The same scenarios happen in our lives. What did Steve do to open up to Hope? Spend more one on one time together? Show interest in her life, school, friends? Or, did he ease up on the constant criticism? We know that my husband needs to be a more positive "pivotal person", but we're (he's) not sure HOW to get there. Any ideas would be helpful! Thanks.
STEVE& HIS STEPDAUGHTER
Posted by: chrisk13
Posted on: 2003-09-10 11:46:54
Unfortunately, I am in the same situation. I have an 8 year old son that his step-dad completely ignores unless of coarse he is punishing him. My first husband was verbally and physically abusive. Not a good role model for my 8 year old. My husband now has never been married before and we have a newborn baby. I often wonder what effects the newborn will have on my son. My husband is a GREAT husband and a Great Dad but I question his ability to be a step dad. He often says he doesn't like my 8 year old. I am sure he doesn't love him. My 8 year old has major anger issues and often lashes out at me so this makes my husband very angry. My 8 year old says he wants to go live with his dad. How can it be so miserable here that he would rather live with his dad that verbally abuses his stepmom. I also wish I could meet Dr. Phil. I could totally relate to the show yesterday.
Posted by: chrisk13
Posted on: 2003-09-10 11:46:54
Unfortunately, I am in the same situation. I have an 8 year old son that his step-dad completely ignores unless of coarse he is punishing him. My first husband was verbally and physically abusive. Not a good role model for my 8 year old. My husband now has never been married before and we have a newborn baby. I often wonder what effects the newborn will have on my son. My husband is a GREAT husband and a Great Dad but I question his ability to be a step dad. He often says he doesn't like my 8 year old. I am sure he doesn't love him. My 8 year old has major anger issues and often lashes out at me so this makes my husband very angry. My 8 year old says he wants to go live with his dad. How can it be so miserable here that he would rather live with his dad that verbally abuses his stepmom. I also wish I could meet Dr. Phil. I could totally relate to the show yesterday.
to hiwaystar9
Posted by: nbspamom
Posted on: 2003-09-10 12:19:21
I feel a lot like you do. Trapped. But something Phil said yesterday has stuck with me. He asked the lady, "Who got you into this problem?" She didn't realize that she did. She made the choice to marry him. And she still has the power to make other choices, too. So no matter how trapped we may feel, we all have a choice whether we want to continue or get out. That's where I am. At a crossroad.
Posted by: nbspamom
Posted on: 2003-09-10 12:19:21
I feel a lot like you do. Trapped. But something Phil said yesterday has stuck with me. He asked the lady, "Who got you into this problem?" She didn't realize that she did. She made the choice to marry him. And she still has the power to make other choices, too. So no matter how trapped we may feel, we all have a choice whether we want to continue or get out. That's where I am. At a crossroad.
hiwaystar9
Posted by: kaisie
Posted on: 2003-09-16 13:58:56
First of all I would just like to say I am so sorry about your son. As a child that grew up in a household with my father verbally and physically abusing my mother my advise to you is ..there is "always" somewhere to go. Shelters, family, friends....My parents stayed together for years and are still together because my mom had the same thought. Years of councilling and lots of reading later, I am now, at age 34 able to know and truly believe that it was not my fault. I have 2 sons so I can't know the mother daughter bond. But I do know the mother-son bond. I think I can honestly say....no man will come between us. It sounds like your partner needs counsilling himself but unfortunately you can't control that. You need to think of yourself and your daughter first. Your daughter sounds like she would be spinning in circles trying to pick the best out of two bad situations...Hug her, tell her you are there for her and that she matters. And most importantly, be there for yourself as you matter a great deal as well.
God Bless
Posted by: kaisie
Posted on: 2003-09-16 13:58:56
First of all I would just like to say I am so sorry about your son. As a child that grew up in a household with my father verbally and physically abusing my mother my advise to you is ..there is "always" somewhere to go. Shelters, family, friends....My parents stayed together for years and are still together because my mom had the same thought. Years of councilling and lots of reading later, I am now, at age 34 able to know and truly believe that it was not my fault. I have 2 sons so I can't know the mother daughter bond. But I do know the mother-son bond. I think I can honestly say....no man will come between us. It sounds like your partner needs counsilling himself but unfortunately you can't control that. You need to think of yourself and your daughter first. Your daughter sounds like she would be spinning in circles trying to pick the best out of two bad situations...Hug her, tell her you are there for her and that she matters. And most importantly, be there for yourself as you matter a great deal as well.
God Bless
Steve...
Posted by: cijaym
Posted on: 2003-09-10 08:58:33
Prepare yourself. She knows where you're coming from, she knows you don't like her, she'll see through your 'I'm sorry' BS and know you're only saying it because you were told to and may not believe you anyway. Or, she'll say she does because she feels you'll say 'I don't know what your problem is!' if she doesn't.
Congratulations, I have no doubt you're the #1 name on her pivotal people. If she doesn't accept any of it, remember, she's the one who has been the grown up in this. Prepare yourself to take what's coming to you.
Posted by: cijaym
Posted on: 2003-09-10 08:58:33
Prepare yourself. She knows where you're coming from, she knows you don't like her, she'll see through your 'I'm sorry' BS and know you're only saying it because you were told to and may not believe you anyway. Or, she'll say she does because she feels you'll say 'I don't know what your problem is!' if she doesn't.
Congratulations, I have no doubt you're the #1 name on her pivotal people. If she doesn't accept any of it, remember, she's the one who has been the grown up in this. Prepare yourself to take what's coming to you.
You opened my eyes
Posted by: capgal46
Posted on: 2003-09-09 10:52:35
Dear Dr. Phil:
Thank you for the show on Couples Wars. It really opened my eyes to my relationship and made me realize I need to admit to my part in it. I use to always think it was his fault but now I know I have a part in it too. I don't want us to go as far as those couples but we aren't far behind! We fight in front of the kids and I see how it is affecting them and that scares me. I plan on reading the relationship book and fixing MYSELF first! Thank you, Dr. Phil!! I love you!!
Posted by: capgal46
Posted on: 2003-09-09 10:52:35
Dear Dr. Phil:
Thank you for the show on Couples Wars. It really opened my eyes to my relationship and made me realize I need to admit to my part in it. I use to always think it was his fault but now I know I have a part in it too. I don't want us to go as far as those couples but we aren't far behind! We fight in front of the kids and I see how it is affecting them and that scares me. I plan on reading the relationship book and fixing MYSELF first! Thank you, Dr. Phil!! I love you!!
which book?
Posted by: jtgirl
Posted on: 2003-09-09 21:44:39
I'm new to Dr.Phil's website- Which book are you referring to - the relationship book? He has several books I guess...I did not see the show- a friend emailed me and told me about it.... That led me to the website...Did he mention it on the show as a good way to start? Your letter sounds like I could have written it!
Posted by: jtgirl
Posted on: 2003-09-09 21:44:39
I'm new to Dr.Phil's website- Which book are you referring to - the relationship book? He has several books I guess...I did not see the show- a friend emailed me and told me about it.... That led me to the website...Did he mention it on the show as a good way to start? Your letter sounds like I could have written it!
getting better
Posted by: hair4u
Posted on: 2003-09-10 14:17:20
just liked to say, that since sidney and I were on the show taped in may, it was pretty rough at first, but the book dr. phil gave us and also signed it for us,relationship rescue, girls moms, and ladies read it...it has been right beside my bible...my husband and daughter whitney sat down and watched the show together, and we cried, sidney saw his self for the first time, and dr.phil woke him up, he felt sooo bad, especially when he heard whitney say, we would be happier without him, struck a major cord with him, from that day, he is going to meet our emotional needs, and has already said he loved us with all his heart, and is now helping me with the needs at home, thats just one day..wow...yeah, it took us 19 years to get here, and it will take many more to make it right, but only whne you and your partner want this, i promise you it will work, i love him, he makes me laugh again, he is really very funny, my house has laughter agian, thanks to Dr. Phil..my payers have been answered..good luck, ladies, stay firm, and love your whole family, and dont settle for less...god bless.
Posted by: hair4u
Posted on: 2003-09-10 14:17:20
just liked to say, that since sidney and I were on the show taped in may, it was pretty rough at first, but the book dr. phil gave us and also signed it for us,relationship rescue, girls moms, and ladies read it...it has been right beside my bible...my husband and daughter whitney sat down and watched the show together, and we cried, sidney saw his self for the first time, and dr.phil woke him up, he felt sooo bad, especially when he heard whitney say, we would be happier without him, struck a major cord with him, from that day, he is going to meet our emotional needs, and has already said he loved us with all his heart, and is now helping me with the needs at home, thats just one day..wow...yeah, it took us 19 years to get here, and it will take many more to make it right, but only whne you and your partner want this, i promise you it will work, i love him, he makes me laugh again, he is really very funny, my house has laughter agian, thanks to Dr. Phil..my payers have been answered..good luck, ladies, stay firm, and love your whole family, and dont settle for less...god bless.
Couple Wars
Posted by: momms4
Posted on: 2003-09-09 10:58:41
Let us all remember the step mom, too. I am a step mom who has the step daughter living in my home. She came to live with us two years ago. She is now almost 13. As a mother of three boys, I am still learning how to "mother" a daughter. Step parents are important and when the child is living with you, it is different. We must always remember the child and help them grow.
Posted by: momms4
Posted on: 2003-09-09 10:58:41
Let us all remember the step mom, too. I am a step mom who has the step daughter living in my home. She came to live with us two years ago. She is now almost 13. As a mother of three boys, I am still learning how to "mother" a daughter. Step parents are important and when the child is living with you, it is different. We must always remember the child and help them grow.
momms4
Posted by: mom2kaykim
Posted on: 2003-09-09 13:00:21
Bravo to you for at the very least, TRYING to be a mother to your step-daughter. You may not think she appreciates what you are doing, but in time, she will show her appreciation to you. I have VERY high respect for a man, or a woman who raises another man or woman's child. I have the utmost respect! It is not easy, and alot of people cannot do it, but I know two guys that are dads to other men's children, and I always think, these must be pretty special guys! Good luck with your step-daughter!
Posted by: mom2kaykim
Posted on: 2003-09-09 13:00:21
Bravo to you for at the very least, TRYING to be a mother to your step-daughter. You may not think she appreciates what you are doing, but in time, she will show her appreciation to you. I have VERY high respect for a man, or a woman who raises another man or woman's child. I have the utmost respect! It is not easy, and alot of people cannot do it, but I know two guys that are dads to other men's children, and I always think, these must be pretty special guys! Good luck with your step-daughter!
Thank You
Posted by: lagoongirl
Posted on: 2003-09-09 22:47:46
Thank you so much for your post. I don't often hear of people who have utmost respect for step parents. I am a step mother to two sons who are now grown (ages 21 and 18) whom I have raised since they were 1 and 4. Their mother was killed when they were tiny. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I could feel a little bit for Steve (though I don't condone his behavior at all) as in my experience, the boys never loved me like my biological children do either. For a bio parent its easy to love and nurture and their children return that with hugs, kisses and admiration (at least when their little). I found with being a step parent that I did a lot of hard work and got little of the rewards back that you get from your bio children to make it all worth it. I know I could have done better in many ways, but there were so many times when I sensed that they didn't WANT me around. Hind sight is 20/20 and if I had it to do over again, I've learned enough to know that those times I felt that desire of distance from them that I should have ignored it. I take that back...if I had to do it over again...I wouldn't do it at all. I had no idea how hard it would be.
Posted by: lagoongirl
Posted on: 2003-09-09 22:47:46
Thank you so much for your post. I don't often hear of people who have utmost respect for step parents. I am a step mother to two sons who are now grown (ages 21 and 18) whom I have raised since they were 1 and 4. Their mother was killed when they were tiny. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I could feel a little bit for Steve (though I don't condone his behavior at all) as in my experience, the boys never loved me like my biological children do either. For a bio parent its easy to love and nurture and their children return that with hugs, kisses and admiration (at least when their little). I found with being a step parent that I did a lot of hard work and got little of the rewards back that you get from your bio children to make it all worth it. I know I could have done better in many ways, but there were so many times when I sensed that they didn't WANT me around. Hind sight is 20/20 and if I had it to do over again, I've learned enough to know that those times I felt that desire of distance from them that I should have ignored it. I take that back...if I had to do it over again...I wouldn't do it at all. I had no idea how hard it would be.
momms4
Posted by: janetgray5
Posted on: 2003-09-09 14:38:40
Yes, it is always vital to remember the children. I think women can do this more easily than men because they are natural nuturers. I'm sure you are an outstanding Mom for you step daughter.Very open in today's world a step-parent is the only person a child has to fill the parental role they are in. I am dating a man who has two daughters. One I see a lot of and have really gotten to know and the other is in another state, grown up and has her own life. I told him one day that I would drop whatever I was doing to held Bridgett just as I would my own daughter Emily. I saw tears well up in his eyes. He said he didn't think Bridget knew that (she is out on her own also, but we see her often). I said then maybe "we" should tell her.
Step parents are very influential in their step childs life. Everyone needs to always remember the children.
Posted by: janetgray5
Posted on: 2003-09-09 14:38:40
Yes, it is always vital to remember the children. I think women can do this more easily than men because they are natural nuturers. I'm sure you are an outstanding Mom for you step daughter.Very open in today's world a step-parent is the only person a child has to fill the parental role they are in. I am dating a man who has two daughters. One I see a lot of and have really gotten to know and the other is in another state, grown up and has her own life. I told him one day that I would drop whatever I was doing to held Bridgett just as I would my own daughter Emily. I saw tears well up in his eyes. He said he didn't think Bridget knew that (she is out on her own also, but we see her often). I said then maybe "we" should tell her.
Step parents are very influential in their step childs life. Everyone needs to always remember the children.
