04/01 What Are You Really Mad About?

Inner Anger
Posted by: usphil_fan
Posted on: 2003-10-17 09:06:17

After reading some of Dr Phil's comments, I realize that a lot of my inner "rage" is really frustration and disappointment. Disappointment in myself mostly. So that is something that I need to work on....not have my husband or family fix. I've been doing a lot better in the last few months, but because of a new medication I'm on. I don't know if that is my real answer (medication) or if I just need to adjust ME. I don't want to live my life on meds!! Hopefully, someone out there can relate and give me some ideas.
anger
Posted by: kathpath
Posted on: 2003-10-17 12:26:54

I can really relate to that 'brandi' woman. It could have been my story it was so similar. But I've found medication to be helpful. I've taken anti-depressants for over 9 years and (my therapist) believes I shouldn't quit, although sometimes I stuggle with that, too. The way I see it, if it helps with the rage, makes me a nicer wife and mom, then it's worth it. It's not my families fault. I hope that helps. I can really understand not wanting to take something forever. And you can still work on what's bothering you inside while taking medication. You might not have to take meds for life, but think about your quaility of life. That's what I always do.
to kathpath
Posted by: usphil_fan
Posted on: 2003-10-17 12:52:11

Thank you! I also take anti-dressants--which my 14 year old daughter lovingly calls my "anti-biatchics".(Might as well laugh, right?) I have been working on my inside.finally talking to my husband about things that have happened to me in the past. Do people never stop to think of the emotional damage they do when they molest a child??? But talking has been a huge help, and I will continue to do that. Thanks again.
anti-biatchics
Posted by: derindajb
Posted on: 2003-11-05 05:16:09

I am new to this message board thing....so hear it goes...I also have a 14 yr old daughter, and that word pops up alot around my house. I have been on anti-depressants, and am also now taking an anti-anxiety medication. In the past year and a half I have been seeing a phyciatrist to regulate and determine what medication will work best for me. After trying many different kinds, and dealing w/ the side effects, I have went back to the anti-anxiety med I was on to begin with, and notice that it has been helping. I also do not have the energy, have gained alot of weight, do not feel like leaving the house, and when I do...I feel like it is a hassle to take a shower, and get around and put a bit of makeup on, and do my hair to look at least presentable. I have major anger issues, and I am not quite sure the exact cause. I get angry over "everything that does not seem to go the way I think it should go". I have issues of molestation in my family, and am a compulsive overeater (who has diabetes). When I found out about the molestation...I gained the 35lbs I had lost over the 4 months before all back in about a month. I can relate to Brandi's anger issues, and the "shell" she seems to have surrounded herself with. I don't know why I have the anger I do, and I am almost afraid of finding out.... Thanks for listening!

Blessings to all.....
for all of us, especially Brandi
Posted by: stippett
Posted on: 2004-04-01 11:46:29

I read the previous comments, I'm not much different, but I'm not on meds. I do see a therapist though, to work on me. Only I can control my feelings and I can only feel what I let myself feel. I was determined, after what happened to me as a teenager, that I would never let anyone do that to me again. But, I have paid a huge price. I am "emotionally unavailable" (as Dr. Phil would say) to everyone around me, including my children. I am overbearing on them, very critical of my daughter, as if she can learn from my mistakes. If I don't stop, I'm afraid her mistakes and encounters will be worse than my own. My thought used to be "I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, wherever I want to do it, with whomever I want to do it. I want to be in control. I want to satisfy my ambitions. I don't want to be dependent on anyone. Poeple let me down. God let me down. I can make it on my own" (written by Patrick Morley "The Man in the Mirror", although I am a woman I read it anyway). So now, I step back and say to myself, am I angry for what the kids have done or what I perceive someone has done to them or am I angry for what I've done and what happened to me. Life is full of choices guys, and we don't always make the right ones. That's why we are called human. All I can do now is try and learn from my own mistakes and open up to those who do care about me so I can learn from them and love through them (and watch Phil). I don't know if this will help anyone but me, but I hope it does. Bless you all.
Meds...
Posted by: bmwraven
Posted on: 2004-04-01 19:30:08

I can relate somewhat to your issues of depression. I also have a 14 year old daughter. I take zoloft everyday. Sometimes I feel guilty that I take these meds. I feel as though I should be strong enough to be able to take care of myself. I am wondering if perhaps you are not on the right meds or the dosage may be off. If you are taking meds and are still depressed to the point that you don't want to leave the house,your system can become immuned to certain meds if taken for a long period of time.Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this depression/anxiety battle :)
for derindajb
Posted by: hindegirl
Posted on: 2004-04-02 15:55:27

I know this reply is late in coming for I just saw your comments today. I hope you are doing well. Please find a psychiatrist or councelor who will help you get to the root of your problems rather than try medicating them away. I worked as a psychiatric nurse for over 20 years and have observed first hand that situational depressions do not respond very well to medications. You say the medication is now helping, but then go on to say you have no energy, etc. Don't get me wrong, meds can help somewhat in alleviating situational problems, but it is of utmost importance they are used in conjuntion with counceling. Your fear is understandable,but it is a step you will need to go through to start healing. A good professional can help you find healthy ways to cope. I know these things are easier said than done, but I have an instinctive feeling you will come out stronger if you start this process. good luck. BH

Posted by: shine101
Posted on: 2003-10-17 19:12:24

I can really relate to Brandi, except my mom brainwashed me to think that meds are the worst thing ever, and that if I ever used meds I would be considered "sick". Does it really work for you? I am proud of you for taking the step that I am afraid to take. I am married with a step daughter and I need to gather enough courage to consult a phyciatrist for further help. Thanks for listening.

Corey
livinagoodone@yahoo.com

Posted by: hdtattgrl
Posted on: 2003-10-17 20:20:17

I just wanted to write a quick note to say that a lot of people feel like you do. Medications and seeing a psychiatrist and/or therapist doesn't mean your crazy..we all are crazy in our own ways right? :) They can make a world of difference and help speed you along the path to feeling good again. I hope you do find the courage because you will quickly see how comforting it is-and believe me, sooooo many people are seeking help because life is just plain hard! Good luck! :)


Does talking to someone really help?
Posted by: fivesunz
Posted on: 2003-10-29 10:27:29

For years I have struggled with the abuse that I have suffered at the hands of both my mother and father. Years ago my husband committed me to a facility after I unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide. Inside, after I reached a level of comfort, I began to talk about everything. People's mouths began to drop. Some found it impossible for a single person to have experienced such a level of atrocity. Group members began to whisper among themselves, and I was immediately delegated to a position outside of this HELPFUL(?) group. My doctor began the pointless "tell me what you see in the ink spot" interrogation and quickly came to the decision that I should leave my husband and sons. He never would tell me if leaving was THE answer for me or for those that I love. I have never spoken again about ALL that I have been through. I listen to Dr. Phil and hear him often say to some to "stop being the victim!" I ALWAYS wonder how someone can truly reach that level. How can I stop being the victim when the pain is as real as it was so long ago? I still feel as if I am being victimized when the pain and the tears cradle me as I sleep and light the room with their omnipotent presence when I awake. Am I any better than those that hurt me? I do not think so. I hurt those that I love with my anger daily. I perpetuate the atrocities done to me by feeding the pain with my anger and tears. Tell me though, how do you stop feeding something that owns such a ravenous appetite?
All I can say is.....
Posted by: findin_fun
Posted on: 2004-04-01 18:49:24

I don't know what you've gone through personally. But I do know how abuse feels and what I went through. I know how I stopped the rage. I took hold of it. I alone own my feelings and I took back my happiness from my molester. I decided that he would no longer keep my happiness along with my innocence. I forgave myself for being a little child that could do nothing......that was too afraid to tell others...that wasn't perfect.........that matured way too fast. I forgave others that could have helped but didn't........because they weren't mentally capable at the time and they were human.....no matter how imperfect. And last of all, I forgave the nasty, perverted family member that molested me and stole my childhood.....stole my innocence.....stole my trust....stole my self worth.......stole my self esteem........stole my happiness and took part of my soul. I didn't forgive for thier bennefit, but for mine. I lived for eighteen years with hate in my heart, dreams of stabbing and killing my abuser and I even tried to take my own life when I was thirteen. My rage was so bad that I would black out during my fits of rage. My depressions were so deep that I thought I would lose my mind and never come out of it.But I came to this closure and I took back my happiness and I decided that he would not steal anything from me again. He would not steal my relationships or my hopes and dreams. He would not ever steal my happiness again. I took it back and started living in color..........out of the grey and blackness. And I have been there for ten years and never took the first drug. You can too. Love yourself. Forgive yourself.Give yourself permission to be happy. I hope this helps.
Need to forget
Posted by: katatria
Posted on: 2004-04-01 20:15:16

I can relate to Brandi I was sexually abused from age 8-11 by a family member and then I was raped by 2 strangers. I have never taled about about it only to my husband. That was a very big mistake. Now whenever he gets mad at me he throws it in my face and tells me it was all my fault. I have forgiven the person that did the abusing to me but I don't think I can ever forget because my husband won't let me. He abuses me mentally all the time and he just thinks it is ok. I have tried to take my life a couple of times. Now I am on pills for depression and I feel that it is because of him. I lost my job back in Nov. because I fell on the job and hurt my back. And he just yells at me that I am no good and I am lazy. He controls all of the money. I know I need to get away from him. Because I don't like to take these pills they make me like a zombie. Everything that happens he says is my fault. Thank god I never had any kids with him. We have been married for 17 years. And I have been unhappy for most of them. He has had several affairs and he said that is ok for him to do cause he doesn't want to touch someone like me that was used already. This is the kind of thing I have to live with. I have never told anybody this before. Because we live in a very small town and I am sure it would get back to him and then I would really be in big trouble. I just felt like talking about it to someone. Thanks for listening.
time to stand up for yourself
Posted by: lmziegler
Posted on: 2004-04-02 00:36:29

Hi,
I too was sexually abused for many years by a family member and have been filled with anger and have been depressed. Remember...depression is often caused by repressed emotions.
YOU did nothing wrong, not when you were abused or when you were raped, You need to make a stand with your husband, YOUR husband is the scum bag, he only throws your past in your face to justify his affairs. THERE is no comparison to what happened to you and WHAT he is doing.
You can not change the past, you can only work to be the best person you know how to be now. If your husband doesn't love you for who you are, you would be right to move on and find someone who loves you and understands the intense pain you have gone threw and have to live with. Remember always, that you are not to blame for the
abuse or the rapes, hold your head up be proud to have survived it all.
To Imziegler
Posted by: katatria
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:58:25

Thank you so much. I hear it does help to talk about it but I live in a very small town and I know people would judge me. So I want to thank you for listening to me. I am working on a plan to leave as soon as possible. I just want to live a normal life with someone that cares about me. I feel like I have been a hostage for the past 19 years. Thank god I never had any children with this man. I am not able to have kids because of what happen to me. That is hard enough to deal with. I just don't need him to keep reminding me. I hope to be gone in the next few months. Right now I am under a Dr cares for an injury I got at the place I use to work. But as soon as the Dr. releses me I will be gone. Thank you again for listening to me and caring.
Katatria
Posted by: brigittetx
Posted on: 2004-05-12 09:23:22

Hey girl,

I am so proud of you on the way you look at life and how you have chosen to manage to handle all that has happened to you. It makes me very sad that there are people out there like your husband who as so inhuman and cruel that totally blows my mind!!!!

I can tell you what; it is not you who needs to be on medication but your husband. He has some problems that seem to be much larger than yours. Maybe he can find a heart while he is at it.

You are absolutely right, you cannot choose your family or your neighbors but you can choose whom you will spend the rest of your life with. It should be somebody who makes you happy just by having him sit next to you.

My mom is going through the same stuff like you are. Yes, there has been lots of mental, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in my family but I have learned just like you.....you have got to let go! I cannot hold on to that stuff and live in self-pity. I have 2 children (10 year-old boy and 8-months old daughter) and I owe them a healthy and happy mom. My husband is the greatest guy on this world. He is the one that encouraged me to stand up for myself, let go of my past and enjoy the present. He is such a positive influence in my life. I forgave who I needed to forgave (my forgiveness was not received) but the rest was not my problem anymore. I am no longer carrying that burden.

I did divorce him back in 2001 because I could not get my stuff together. I was a mean and angry person and told him to leave because he would be better off and happier without me. He tried to hold on for almost 1 year until we finally went through with everything and finished the divorce. Yes, we did marry each other again after 1 1/2 years of being divorced but I needed that time to cure my addiction to alcohol and just to identify who I am.

I am a strong believer and know from the bottom of my heart that nothing happens by coincidence. It all has a purpose. I don't know how sexual abuse fits into that but I know that dealing with the pain and that experience has made me who I am.....and I very proud of who I am. I have been through hell in my life but you know what...I may be knocked down a few times...but when I get, yes, when not if.....I come back so much stronger. You just can't beat me up enough.

I have had to deal with my husband almost dying from Cushing's disease and all the surgeries that came with it....and has been a life changing experience
putting it into perspective
Posted by: trin2bsane
Posted on: 2004-04-01 20:24:51

I have to give you a tremendous amount of credit to be able to mentally file your feelings into the memory garbage disposal. I have tried to do that for years and every so often it all comes back. When I find myself becoming edgy I stop and think about why I am experiencing these feelings. Is it fair to say that these feelings stem from things that happened years ago or could it be that in my journey to find happiness I have stumbled across a few idiots that exhibit the same attitudes and behaviors I am working to get away from? I have forgiven and rationalized the pain I have experienced and would like to move on. I wonder if your feelings ever creep back into your mind and how you deal with them if they do come back. I would love to hear your internal dialog.
Thanks for sharing.
Dear "finding fun"
Posted by: victor
Posted on: 2004-04-29 17:20:50

I read your entry and I can relate to some, if not all that you have been through, emotionally. I am at a very foggy place in my Life at this moment. You know the story behind the "Midas Touch" where every time he touched something, it would turn to gold? Well, for me, it turns to shit. It seems to me that I sabotage everything positive that comes my way; jobs, friendships and intimate relationship all because I cannot seem to get a grasp on my Rage. I have had counseling and that has helped me tremendously, but it not enough. I guess it helped me to understand the emotion and where it is coming from, but I did not learn hoe to forgive and forget.
Perhaps, I may be in some kind of deep, deep depression that I am not aware of and I refuse to take any type of drug to remedy it. I feel it would only contaminate instead of contribute. "Out of the grey and blackness" is where I want to be. If you can reply, I would greatly appreciate your efforts. Thank you.
Let Go.
Posted by: isannah81
Posted on: 2004-04-02 01:20:44

It is hard, very hard. But you have to realize that you did not "ask" for it despite what they say.

It is easier when you come to realize that they only did to you what was done to them.

You have to make a conscious choice not to feed the anger and those that did those horrible things to you cannot admit what they have done.

Your message shows that this kind of sickness perpetuates itself. You must be the generation to say "STOP". Don't be silent.

It is so easy to become a professional victim. No matter what you do, you can't change the past.

Life isn't fair. But it can be wonderful if you make that choice.

I am 48 years old and it took me a little over 10 years to get through what happened to me. It can be done. And you don't need a whole lot of therapy and drugs. Just a couple of good friends who are really patient and honest.

You are not alone. If you have the courage to reach out - you will feel undeserving of the love that will come back to you. That is a mistake. You must learn to accept that love - and when you heal - give it back.

Nobody wants to believe that what happened did. And ... those who did it are not going to confess. They will make you think you are crazy. If they had to face what they did, they could not live with themselves.

Always remember, what was done to you was done to them.

Iti is not a matter of being better than anyone including those who hurt you.

You recognize(d) what is (was) going on and reached out. I am sorry that the "system" failed you. Don't give up - and for Heaven's sake - never again try to take your life. It is precious.

What happened to you was real. It makes people uncomfortable to hear what really sick stuff happened. And when they ignore you, it makes it worse. I know this.

Take heart. And I admire you for reaching out.
Meds
Posted by: cnbdewey
Posted on: 2003-10-17 21:25:48

My personal experience with meds is that they covered up my problems and made it easier for me to not work on what was really wrong in the first place. I did therapy and all that, but what did it for me was taking a stress reduction through meditation course at my local hospital. In that class I had to take a hard look at myself and what causes my RAGES. I did find that it stems from things in my past and disappiontment and frustration with what I percieved as right or wrong. I took this class because I was on meds for almost 4 yrs and still managed to have a nervous breakdown at work and had to come to terms with the fact that I would not return to a job I loved but stressed me out. I had guilt over the loss of money, but began to realize after I began to meditate that I can not change that and now I feel tons better and I only meditate for 20 min. a day. I don't lash out anymore, I am calmer. I think before I speak and I am not in a hurry anymore. I just let the day or moment be what it is. Meditaion is the best thing I ever did for myself. It's not easy to sqeeze into a day but to me it's way better than poping a pill. I am in no way saying that meds don't help some but there are other ways for others.
Help?
Posted by: whattodo2
Posted on: 2003-10-18 15:30:23

My husband has an anger problem. He is very picky with the house on it being clean ALL the time. I tried to tape the show that day but was unsuccessful. My husband gets angry when things are out of place and doesn't think that I clean well enough for him, so sometimes why should I bother? When we get into an argument he calls me names and says horrible things like f... you, f...in bitch, c..., lazy ass, and then I'll bet he as said 20 times that he wants a divorce. But then later or the next day he is sorry and says he didn't mean what he said. Not only does he do the name calling but he throws and destroys things. Examples of him destorying things are: He ripped a 3x5 area in our tile in the kitchen when he was angry, throws phones(we have been through 3now) remotes, photos. The 2 worst things he has done is burned our wedding photos, took a hammer to his ring(that was one incident) then the last one was he rammed my jeep into our boat on purpose and did $2500 damage to the car, threw things at me, threw more photos and frames away and any gifts that he gave me. You would of thought that I cheated on him. He would probably kill me if I even thought of doing that. I left for a couple of days after he wrecked my car. He went back to counseling and starting taking more meds. I thought he hit bottom, but I still am not sure. He has been in couseling for this for about 3 months and he has had a couple of incidents of throwing things, but not very much. Which not very much doesn't