04/23 The Staff Asks Dr. Phil
1 | 2 | 3 | 4Help for Kandi
Posted by: sibergee
Posted on: 2004-04-23 10:24:57
Dr. Phil, I think you floated around the boat regarding Kandi's night terrors. Yes,it is possible she may be experiencing some post-partum depression. However, since this began recently, I think what she's experiencing is "separation anxiety" about leaving her baby to return to work. While she was home, she felt in control becaue she had visual contact with her baby. Now that she has returned to work, she feels that she has lost that control to keep her baby safe while she is gone. Therefore, her subconcious "hunts for her baby that is in danger". If possible, I would move the baby into her bedroom (in a bassinet or porta-crib)for a few nights. Knowing the baby is within visual range may lessen her anxiety. The next thing I would recommend is for her to purchase an "ANGEL CARE" monitor(about $100). This is a very sensitive movement pad that is placed under the crib mattress, with an alarm system that sounds if there is no movement(including breathing)for 20 seconds. The monitor also alarms if the baby moves off the sensor area.(remember to turn it off when you pick up the baby, or alarm will sound) The monitor also has the usual sound monitor so Kandi could hear the baby, should she wake and cry. Few people are aware of ANGEL CARE, but, frankly, I feel they should be issued to every parent (or in my case, grandparent). We have purchased two and plan to "pass them around" as our children present us with grands. I hope that with the added assurance the ANGEL CARE can provide Kandi, that she and her husband can get a good night's sleep.
Posted by: sibergee
Posted on: 2004-04-23 10:24:57
Dr. Phil, I think you floated around the boat regarding Kandi's night terrors. Yes,it is possible she may be experiencing some post-partum depression. However, since this began recently, I think what she's experiencing is "separation anxiety" about leaving her baby to return to work. While she was home, she felt in control becaue she had visual contact with her baby. Now that she has returned to work, she feels that she has lost that control to keep her baby safe while she is gone. Therefore, her subconcious "hunts for her baby that is in danger". If possible, I would move the baby into her bedroom (in a bassinet or porta-crib)for a few nights. Knowing the baby is within visual range may lessen her anxiety. The next thing I would recommend is for her to purchase an "ANGEL CARE" monitor(about $100). This is a very sensitive movement pad that is placed under the crib mattress, with an alarm system that sounds if there is no movement(including breathing)for 20 seconds. The monitor also alarms if the baby moves off the sensor area.(remember to turn it off when you pick up the baby, or alarm will sound) The monitor also has the usual sound monitor so Kandi could hear the baby, should she wake and cry. Few people are aware of ANGEL CARE, but, frankly, I feel they should be issued to every parent (or in my case, grandparent). We have purchased two and plan to "pass them around" as our children present us with grands. I hope that with the added assurance the ANGEL CARE can provide Kandi, that she and her husband can get a good night's sleep.
Angel Care
Posted by: mom2kaykim
Posted on: 2004-04-23 23:00:43
When my brother and sister-in-law were expecting their first child, my brother was worried sick about SIDS, since we had a baby cousin die from it. I bought them the Angel Care Monitor, and him and his wife were so much more relaxed about the baby. I only wish I had it when I had my two daughters, as I had the same fears about SIDS. I think Kandi's problem is the fact that she is worried about SIDS, too. I think if she had one of these monitors, it would perhaps put her fears to rest. Even if she had the baby in the same room, WITH the monitor, I am sure it would be of great help her. Maybe her and her poor husband would be able to sleep better at night. I hope whatever they try, that it works for them. Good luck to them!
Posted by: mom2kaykim
Posted on: 2004-04-23 23:00:43
When my brother and sister-in-law were expecting their first child, my brother was worried sick about SIDS, since we had a baby cousin die from it. I bought them the Angel Care Monitor, and him and his wife were so much more relaxed about the baby. I only wish I had it when I had my two daughters, as I had the same fears about SIDS. I think Kandi's problem is the fact that she is worried about SIDS, too. I think if she had one of these monitors, it would perhaps put her fears to rest. Even if she had the baby in the same room, WITH the monitor, I am sure it would be of great help her. Maybe her and her poor husband would be able to sleep better at night. I hope whatever they try, that it works for them. Good luck to them!
I understand
Posted by: sbiscuit
Posted on: 2004-04-23 23:38:39
I am the mother of an almost 3 year old girl. Many nights I have, and still do, wake up and check to see if my child is still breathing. She sometimes sleeps next to me in my bed. Her breathing while she is asleep is so shallow that I get scared.
Posted by: sbiscuit
Posted on: 2004-04-23 23:38:39
I am the mother of an almost 3 year old girl. Many nights I have, and still do, wake up and check to see if my child is still breathing. She sometimes sleeps next to me in my bed. Her breathing while she is asleep is so shallow that I get scared.
I did the same thing
Posted by: keltal
Posted on: 2004-04-24 00:07:32
I also used to search the bed for my baby, and I would grab my pillow and yell she's not breathing. I'd go digging through the bed looking for her. The dreams lessen as they get older but I find that I still have the same kind of dreams its just that the kids are older.
Posted by: keltal
Posted on: 2004-04-24 00:07:32
I also used to search the bed for my baby, and I would grab my pillow and yell she's not breathing. I'd go digging through the bed looking for her. The dreams lessen as they get older but I find that I still have the same kind of dreams its just that the kids are older.
Posted by: stephressl
Posted on: 2004-04-24 18:34:41
I was very interested in Dr. Phil's response to Kandi because I suffer from the same dreams, and I am a stay at home mom of 2 kids. Although I don't have the dreams as often as I did when they were infants, I still sometimes wake up patting the covers looking for the baby. I am going to try to talk with my husband before going to bed, like Dr. Phil suggested and hope that gets rid of them for good! I am so relieved that I'm not the only who has these dreams!
Thank SO much...I thought I was alone
Posted by: tree_girl
Posted on: 2004-04-26 13:02:58
Thank you so much for talking about this on the show Candi, and for all the other messages! I thought I was just weird! I have had problems with sleep- walking all my life. I would have showers, turn on all things possible throughout the house, had conversations, tried to leave the house, etc..(all without waking up!) Since my child was born (9 years ago) it became much worse. Nightly I went through similar rituals as you do and more. I would search for my daughter until I would find her. In the mornings I would find my room, and hers in a mess! Sometimes I would wake and find myself tearing the bed apart or under the crib, or in the closet.... The horror I went through emotionally was aweful! Just over a year ago I sought out help, and the advise was similar to that of Dr. Phil's. It went back to the fact that I felt inadequate and undeserving of my beautiful child. With a lot of work, healing, soul seraching, and forgiveness I now have very few of these terrors! Thanks.
Posted by: tree_girl
Posted on: 2004-04-26 13:02:58
Thank you so much for talking about this on the show Candi, and for all the other messages! I thought I was just weird! I have had problems with sleep- walking all my life. I would have showers, turn on all things possible throughout the house, had conversations, tried to leave the house, etc..(all without waking up!) Since my child was born (9 years ago) it became much worse. Nightly I went through similar rituals as you do and more. I would search for my daughter until I would find her. In the mornings I would find my room, and hers in a mess! Sometimes I would wake and find myself tearing the bed apart or under the crib, or in the closet.... The horror I went through emotionally was aweful! Just over a year ago I sought out help, and the advise was similar to that of Dr. Phil's. It went back to the fact that I felt inadequate and undeserving of my beautiful child. With a lot of work, healing, soul seraching, and forgiveness I now have very few of these terrors! Thanks.
Me too!!!
Posted by: glscperry
Posted on: 2004-04-30 15:13:08
My husband and I often laugh at how I wake him up at night looking for my 3 month old son. I did it with my daughter, also, and I was so comforted to know that I am not the only one. I will try Dr. Phil's advice and hopefully we'll all sleep a little more soundly.
Posted by: glscperry
Posted on: 2004-04-30 15:13:08
My husband and I often laugh at how I wake him up at night looking for my 3 month old son. I did it with my daughter, also, and I was so comforted to know that I am not the only one. I will try Dr. Phil's advice and hopefully we'll all sleep a little more soundly.
Material guy
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2004-04-23 11:34:56
Leisa, maybe you need to chuck Randy and find someone who doesn't measure your love by the price of the gifts you give him. He's so materialistic, picky, and hard to please. Do his gifts make you feel loved? Or pressured to reciprocate? If he won't accept the kind of love you're comfortable giving him, is he really the one for you? $300 for a toaster? For bread? Can you really afford this material guy?
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2004-04-23 11:34:56
Leisa, maybe you need to chuck Randy and find someone who doesn't measure your love by the price of the gifts you give him. He's so materialistic, picky, and hard to please. Do his gifts make you feel loved? Or pressured to reciprocate? If he won't accept the kind of love you're comfortable giving him, is he really the one for you? $300 for a toaster? For bread? Can you really afford this material guy?
gifts
Posted by: saradear
Posted on: 2004-04-23 15:30:00
there's an awesome, easy-read book called "The 5 Love Languages" that I suggest if you haven't read it, though I think you already have that idea. To Randy, I say: don't make her feel like she has to focus on material things (something she hardly associates with love) to keep you! what a way to strain a relationship! don't ever doubt her love! To Leisa: don't lord it over him that you're right. :) It's not a bad idea to try expressing love to him with little things. even if they're home made or someting little you saw in a yard sale you thought he'd like. it shouldn't have to be expensive. but don't let him pressure you. Good luck to the both of you.
Posted by: saradear
Posted on: 2004-04-23 15:30:00
there's an awesome, easy-read book called "The 5 Love Languages" that I suggest if you haven't read it, though I think you already have that idea. To Randy, I say: don't make her feel like she has to focus on material things (something she hardly associates with love) to keep you! what a way to strain a relationship! don't ever doubt her love! To Leisa: don't lord it over him that you're right. :) It's not a bad idea to try expressing love to him with little things. even if they're home made or someting little you saw in a yard sale you thought he'd like. it shouldn't have to be expensive. but don't let him pressure you. Good luck to the both of you.
Gifts of Love
Posted by: makamae
Posted on: 2004-04-23 17:22:32
"THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES" is an awesome book! go grab it and read it! So simple, yet so true!
Posted by: makamae
Posted on: 2004-04-23 17:22:32
"THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES" is an awesome book! go grab it and read it! So simple, yet so true!
5 love languages
Posted by: barleymow
Posted on: 2004-04-25 20:25:36
Dr. Phil, I'm with these that are writing in regard to The Five Love Languages. Leisa needs to learn Randy's love language and communicate her love to him that way, and Randy needs to learn Leisa's love language and learn to express his love to her in that way. I think the burden of showing love should be on the one that wants to show it, even though it might seem foreign to the "lover". Leisa may not be able to afford to buy him some of those gifts, but I'm believing that the price of the gift might not be that important to Randy. If the price of the gift is important to Randy, he has other issues. [The five love languages are receiving gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service (this is me), physical touch and quality time.]
Posted by: barleymow
Posted on: 2004-04-25 20:25:36
Dr. Phil, I'm with these that are writing in regard to The Five Love Languages. Leisa needs to learn Randy's love language and communicate her love to him that way, and Randy needs to learn Leisa's love language and learn to express his love to her in that way. I think the burden of showing love should be on the one that wants to show it, even though it might seem foreign to the "lover". Leisa may not be able to afford to buy him some of those gifts, but I'm believing that the price of the gift might not be that important to Randy. If the price of the gift is important to Randy, he has other issues. [The five love languages are receiving gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service (this is me), physical touch and quality time.]
Material Guy
Posted by: mimi6ok
Posted on: 2004-04-24 12:34:48
Dr. Phil, In my opinion, this guy may have been reared by parents that only showed their affection by giving him gifts & money -- but not their time. Perhaps that is how he associates love.
I wonder if Dr. Phil did background on him, it would be interesting to know if that could be the case.
At any rate, he needs major therapy to get over that, and I wouldn't suggest him marrying anybody until he's resolved the 'material' issues.
Posted by: mimi6ok
Posted on: 2004-04-24 12:34:48
Dr. Phil, In my opinion, this guy may have been reared by parents that only showed their affection by giving him gifts & money -- but not their time. Perhaps that is how he associates love.
I wonder if Dr. Phil did background on him, it would be interesting to know if that could be the case.
At any rate, he needs major therapy to get over that, and I wouldn't suggest him marrying anybody until he's resolved the 'material' issues.
What a bunch of hypocrites
Posted by: gojuyonsai
Posted on: 2004-04-24 12:56:47
What a bunch of hypocritical, cold, uncaring women. Why do I feel that if the shoe were on the other foot and the man weren't giving the woman any gifts ("He forgot my birthday and didn't give me anything!), your advice would be completely different! And so would Dr. Phil's ("Well, Mr. Male, if she says she wants and needs something that's easy to provide, why don't you provide it!)
If this woman follows the previous poster's advice and dumps him, she will be giving him the greatest gift she could possibly give him, if he doesn't dump her first (which he will do if he steps back and evaluates his situation objectively).
Any woman who is not willing to go out of her way to please her man, especially on something so simple to provide, she doesn't love him in the first place and it's only downhill from here on out. Just wait about 3 or 4 years and let's see what life will be like for him then if they marry. God forbid!
I say he should run for the hills and find a woman who REALLY loves him. If material things REALLY don't mean anything and are bad, let's do away with gifts to BOTH sexes!
Hypocrtites!
Posted by: gojuyonsai
Posted on: 2004-04-24 12:56:47
What a bunch of hypocritical, cold, uncaring women. Why do I feel that if the shoe were on the other foot and the man weren't giving the woman any gifts ("He forgot my birthday and didn't give me anything!), your advice would be completely different! And so would Dr. Phil's ("Well, Mr. Male, if she says she wants and needs something that's easy to provide, why don't you provide it!)
If this woman follows the previous poster's advice and dumps him, she will be giving him the greatest gift she could possibly give him, if he doesn't dump her first (which he will do if he steps back and evaluates his situation objectively).
Any woman who is not willing to go out of her way to please her man, especially on something so simple to provide, she doesn't love him in the first place and it's only downhill from here on out. Just wait about 3 or 4 years and let's see what life will be like for him then if they marry. God forbid!
I say he should run for the hills and find a woman who REALLY loves him. If material things REALLY don't mean anything and are bad, let's do away with gifts to BOTH sexes!
Hypocrtites!
Hey, Buster
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2004-04-26 15:59:33
This is the previous poster. If the shoe were on the other foot, my advice would be to dump the material GAL! In other words, it would be exactly the same. That's because I can't stand that attitude in anyone, male or female. As a matter of fact, being so hard to please makes Randy's seem rather womanish to me.
By the way, what makes you think all these expensive things are so simple and easy for Leisa to provide? Hey, I'll bet you didn't even watch the show. She's already in debt, trying to make Randy feel "loved".
Leisa does love Randy. But, he's too blinded by the dollar signs in his eyes to see it.
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2004-04-26 15:59:33
This is the previous poster. If the shoe were on the other foot, my advice would be to dump the material GAL! In other words, it would be exactly the same. That's because I can't stand that attitude in anyone, male or female. As a matter of fact, being so hard to please makes Randy's seem rather womanish to me.
By the way, what makes you think all these expensive things are so simple and easy for Leisa to provide? Hey, I'll bet you didn't even watch the show. She's already in debt, trying to make Randy feel "loved".
Leisa does love Randy. But, he's too blinded by the dollar signs in his eyes to see it.
Your Pants Are On Fire!
Posted by: gojuyonsai
Posted on: 2004-04-30 13:50:50
So what you're saying is that giving gifts is bad? Regardless of whether the man or woman is giving the gift?
Should men and women stop giving each other gifts? When your husband or boyfriend gives you gifts, do you give them back and tell him to stop?
By the way, Leisa said she liked receiving gifts from Randy. She just didn't like feeling obligated to return the expression of affection. And Randy didn't sound hard to please at all. He was merely expressing his desire and need for expressions of affection in addition to Leisa's hugs and kisses which for whatever reason, weren't enough for him. Seems like most women are this way also. What percentage of women are not offended when a man doesn't provide her with a birthday, anniversary, or Valentine's Day gift? (In spite of all the kissing and hugging he gives her in between these dates).
And I strongly suspect (if we were honest) that you are no different.
By the way, my name is Gojuyonsai. You must have been sleep-writing and maybe typed out your lover's name by mistake when typing the title of your last message?
Randy's blinded by dollar signs? Give me a break! Giving gifts is normal and expected in our culture (and in most, if not, all others).
Posted by: gojuyonsai
Posted on: 2004-04-30 13:50:50
So what you're saying is that giving gifts is bad? Regardless of whether the man or woman is giving the gift?
Should men and women stop giving each other gifts? When your husband or boyfriend gives you gifts, do you give them back and tell him to stop?
By the way, Leisa said she liked receiving gifts from Randy. She just didn't like feeling obligated to return the expression of affection. And Randy didn't sound hard to please at all. He was merely expressing his desire and need for expressions of affection in addition to Leisa's hugs and kisses which for whatever reason, weren't enough for him. Seems like most women are this way also. What percentage of women are not offended when a man doesn't provide her with a birthday, anniversary, or Valentine's Day gift? (In spite of all the kissing and hugging he gives her in between these dates).
And I strongly suspect (if we were honest) that you are no different.
By the way, my name is Gojuyonsai. You must have been sleep-writing and maybe typed out your lover's name by mistake when typing the title of your last message?
Randy's blinded by dollar signs? Give me a break! Giving gifts is normal and expected in our culture (and in most, if not, all others).
ramair - material guy
Posted by: miickk
Posted on: 2004-04-25 09:21:18
You nailed this one. DrPhil seems to have missed it.
Posted by: miickk
Posted on: 2004-04-25 09:21:18
You nailed this one. DrPhil seems to have missed it.
It appears to be a case of, "You are perfect. I love you. Now, change."
People seem to forget that gifts are for giving not for getting. Randy not only wants gifts he want specific (and expensive) stuff. Maybe he should just give Leisa a shopping list and schedule.
Maybe Leisa should give him the gate.
Your Not Alone
Posted by: rkharrin
Posted on: 2004-04-23 12:12:38
Kandi, you are not alone. I'm not going to even try to tell you how to fix it, but I have the same problem with the nightmare (terrors). Luckily my husband can and does sleep through it. I work from my home, so for me it is not separation anxiety or guilt from working out the home. My son is now 18-months-old and the only nights that I don't wake up from the nightmares, is when he is in bed with us. Then I wake up from him kicking me all night! I guess there is no easy solution. Just hang in there and know you aren't alone.
P.S. Your baby girl is really adorable!!
Posted by: rkharrin
Posted on: 2004-04-23 12:12:38
Kandi, you are not alone. I'm not going to even try to tell you how to fix it, but I have the same problem with the nightmare (terrors). Luckily my husband can and does sleep through it. I work from my home, so for me it is not separation anxiety or guilt from working out the home. My son is now 18-months-old and the only nights that I don't wake up from the nightmares, is when he is in bed with us. Then I wake up from him kicking me all night! I guess there is no easy solution. Just hang in there and know you aren't alone.
P.S. Your baby girl is really adorable!!
kandi's night terrors
Posted by: suziqthow
Posted on: 2004-04-23 14:37:11
I was so relieved when I saw Dr. Phil's employee talk about waking up looking for her baby. I not only woke up looking for our baby boy, but he slept with us and I would end up trying to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation!!!I believe this is because when he was born he was blue and not breathing. I did have postpartum depression and once I was on medication it became less frequent. I think that having the baby in bed with you also causes you to worry, I always worried that my husband would roll over on my son cause he was such a deep sleeper. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who had this strange condition. Thanks for sharing your story Kandi!!!!
Posted by: suziqthow
Posted on: 2004-04-23 14:37:11
I was so relieved when I saw Dr. Phil's employee talk about waking up looking for her baby. I not only woke up looking for our baby boy, but he slept with us and I would end up trying to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation!!!I believe this is because when he was born he was blue and not breathing. I did have postpartum depression and once I was on medication it became less frequent. I think that having the baby in bed with you also causes you to worry, I always worried that my husband would roll over on my son cause he was such a deep sleeper. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who had this strange condition. Thanks for sharing your story Kandi!!!!
Baby Nightmares
Posted by: kirabkay
Posted on: 2004-04-23 14:38:12
I experienced the exact same thing as Kandi! Just about every night I would wake up looking for the baby under the covers or certain that she was choking on something. I would be awake enough to remind myself that my daughter was asleep in her crib. I am at home with her all day and my personal theory was that since I spent the entire day keeping her from harm (especially since this really started when she started putting things in her mouth) I couldn't turn that part of my brain off at night. I also wondered if it was part of a mother's built in alarm system since so many moms have slept with their babies and this keeps them alert to nighttime suffocation. These terrors lasted a couple of months. I don't know, but post-partum depression didn't sound right to me - just a hyper-vigilant (and overtired) subconscious. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone!
Posted by: kirabkay
Posted on: 2004-04-23 14:38:12
I experienced the exact same thing as Kandi! Just about every night I would wake up looking for the baby under the covers or certain that she was choking on something. I would be awake enough to remind myself that my daughter was asleep in her crib. I am at home with her all day and my personal theory was that since I spent the entire day keeping her from harm (especially since this really started when she started putting things in her mouth) I couldn't turn that part of my brain off at night. I also wondered if it was part of a mother's built in alarm system since so many moms have slept with their babies and this keeps them alert to nighttime suffocation. These terrors lasted a couple of months. I don't know, but post-partum depression didn't sound right to me - just a hyper-vigilant (and overtired) subconscious. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone!
Night Terrors Help
Posted by: bmk327
Posted on: 2004-04-23 14:38:38
Dr. Phil,
After watching your staff worker on having night terrors I had a different revalation as to what her problem is.
I believe she thinks her baby is sufficating and she is trying to rescue her. I truely think it's her hidden fear or preminition of SIDS. I believe she can relieve herself of this problem by invesrting in a apnea monitor. I am a respitory therapist and I have used many of these for babies and have seen them literally save lives. I also have 5 children and know the how it fells to lay them down at night and have to trust the Lord to watch them during the night. It can be hard.
God Bless,
bmk
Posted by: bmk327
Posted on: 2004-04-23 14:38:38
Dr. Phil,
After watching your staff worker on having night terrors I had a different revalation as to what her problem is.
I believe she thinks her baby is sufficating and she is trying to rescue her. I truely think it's her hidden fear or preminition of SIDS. I believe she can relieve herself of this problem by invesrting in a apnea monitor. I am a respitory therapist and I have used many of these for babies and have seen them literally save lives. I also have 5 children and know the how it fells to lay them down at night and have to trust the Lord to watch them during the night. It can be hard.
God Bless,
bmk
