08/16 Parenting 101: Extreme Mistakes?
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Posted by: biggirl777
Posted on: 2004-05-05 08:02:55
While my mom did not purchase the alcohol for me she did in a sense allow me to have it by more or less ignoring the problem. I am not bashing my mother, I love her dearly and will always love her. But she made a few mistakes. One of them was leaving me alone when I told her to. She was afraid of driving me away. (My dad was there, but he was a truck driver at the time and never really home alot.)
I began drinking and having sex at the age of 15 while my grades went down the toilet. I asked her in later years if she knew I was drinking and having sex with boys (some men), and she said that she did, but she didn't know what to do. She felt it was just a phase and it would pass. Luckily for me, I really was smart and when I came to my senses, I quit this lifestyle on my own. Unfortunately, it cost me a lot of friends and money before I quit.
Ann, I beg you please, draw the line. I don't know what type of childhood you had, but I know that you want more than what you had for your daughter. As a woman who is now unable to have a child of her own, I truly value motherhood and have a respect for mothers especially single moms. Please don't be her friend, be her MOTHER. She needs that more than a friend. When she's 30 and living on her own, then you can be her friend.
I hope that you two can find a new path together. I will keep watching for an update on you two.
Posted by: biggirl777
Posted on: 2004-05-05 08:02:55
While my mom did not purchase the alcohol for me she did in a sense allow me to have it by more or less ignoring the problem. I am not bashing my mother, I love her dearly and will always love her. But she made a few mistakes. One of them was leaving me alone when I told her to. She was afraid of driving me away. (My dad was there, but he was a truck driver at the time and never really home alot.)
I began drinking and having sex at the age of 15 while my grades went down the toilet. I asked her in later years if she knew I was drinking and having sex with boys (some men), and she said that she did, but she didn't know what to do. She felt it was just a phase and it would pass. Luckily for me, I really was smart and when I came to my senses, I quit this lifestyle on my own. Unfortunately, it cost me a lot of friends and money before I quit.
Ann, I beg you please, draw the line. I don't know what type of childhood you had, but I know that you want more than what you had for your daughter. As a woman who is now unable to have a child of her own, I truly value motherhood and have a respect for mothers especially single moms. Please don't be her friend, be her MOTHER. She needs that more than a friend. When she's 30 and living on her own, then you can be her friend.
I hope that you two can find a new path together. I will keep watching for an update on you two.
Permissive parenting
Posted by: mimi507
Posted on: 2004-05-05 10:04:43
My mom also used to let me do whatever I wanted. I wounded up pregnant at 17 and in a string of abusive relationships. My mom never taught me how to stand up for myself or defend myself. Didnt teach me what I needed to know to function as a normal adult. All my parents did was fight and yell at each other for 17 years. Didnt have time to take care of me. I've been bullied until I finally quit high school. Now. at 29, 3 kids, no education, a partner that provides for me but treats me like garbage because I dont deserve any respect, I want nothing to do with my mom.
Posted by: mimi507
Posted on: 2004-05-05 10:04:43
My mom also used to let me do whatever I wanted. I wounded up pregnant at 17 and in a string of abusive relationships. My mom never taught me how to stand up for myself or defend myself. Didnt teach me what I needed to know to function as a normal adult. All my parents did was fight and yell at each other for 17 years. Didnt have time to take care of me. I've been bullied until I finally quit high school. Now. at 29, 3 kids, no education, a partner that provides for me but treats me like garbage because I dont deserve any respect, I want nothing to do with my mom.
Respect
Posted by: leona21921
Posted on: 2004-05-05 11:37:44
Dear Mimi507
You ABSOLUTELY DO deserve respect from your partner. Your past is in the past, and you do NOT deserve to be treated like garbage from your partner or anyone else. A lack of formal education does not make an ignorant person (note some of the "educated" guests on the Dr Phil show). Please consider your accomplishments (raising three children, maintaining a home). You owe it to yourself to see that you are a valued person and deserving of respect, especially by those closest to you. I wish you the best. Take Care. Leona
Posted by: leona21921
Posted on: 2004-05-05 11:37:44
Dear Mimi507
You ABSOLUTELY DO deserve respect from your partner. Your past is in the past, and you do NOT deserve to be treated like garbage from your partner or anyone else. A lack of formal education does not make an ignorant person (note some of the "educated" guests on the Dr Phil show). Please consider your accomplishments (raising three children, maintaining a home). You owe it to yourself to see that you are a valued person and deserving of respect, especially by those closest to you. I wish you the best. Take Care. Leona
Thank you everyone for your replies.
Posted by: mimi507
Posted on: 2004-05-06 15:46:57
Hi,
The problem with me is that I don't think i'm all that bad, but my partner thinks that i am. Because i don't do the things he wants me to do. I think he's just too demanding and doesn't understand me. I used think that i was as smart as everybody else, but after being told so much that you're useless, you begin to believe it, and he did the "Troy" thing to me by complaining to his mother about me all the time, and she told me she's never met anybody as bad as i am. He keeps telling me if i did what i was supposed to then he wouldn't have to yell at me. I know i made mistakes and i have my faults, but i'm too tired to fight and it's not worth it. Today we decided to end it. He says i'm gonna regret leaving him because he provided for me and he doesn't think i can do it on my own and that i will go crawl back to my mother's house. He has no faith in me. Well, i think its better to be poor but happy, isnt it ? He'd rather be right than be with me. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm just gonna try to be the best mom i can be, like i was doing before he came along (my oldest's real father died). I gotta stop blaming everyone else for my problems, i let it happen to me. Now, i can change what I don't like about me. I know with a little support i can do it. It's time i live for myself. My wonderful boys deserve better. And my 4 yr old is starting to yell and throw things at me when he's not happy with me. So this is gotta end today. Thank you everybody for your words. It means a lot to me. I've never really had anyone to talk to about this. I did read every message and will check the message boards until he leaves with HIS computer and everything else. Thank you.
Posted by: mimi507
Posted on: 2004-05-06 15:46:57
Hi,
The problem with me is that I don't think i'm all that bad, but my partner thinks that i am. Because i don't do the things he wants me to do. I think he's just too demanding and doesn't understand me. I used think that i was as smart as everybody else, but after being told so much that you're useless, you begin to believe it, and he did the "Troy" thing to me by complaining to his mother about me all the time, and she told me she's never met anybody as bad as i am. He keeps telling me if i did what i was supposed to then he wouldn't have to yell at me. I know i made mistakes and i have my faults, but i'm too tired to fight and it's not worth it. Today we decided to end it. He says i'm gonna regret leaving him because he provided for me and he doesn't think i can do it on my own and that i will go crawl back to my mother's house. He has no faith in me. Well, i think its better to be poor but happy, isnt it ? He'd rather be right than be with me. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm just gonna try to be the best mom i can be, like i was doing before he came along (my oldest's real father died). I gotta stop blaming everyone else for my problems, i let it happen to me. Now, i can change what I don't like about me. I know with a little support i can do it. It's time i live for myself. My wonderful boys deserve better. And my 4 yr old is starting to yell and throw things at me when he's not happy with me. So this is gotta end today. Thank you everybody for your words. It means a lot to me. I've never really had anyone to talk to about this. I did read every message and will check the message boards until he leaves with HIS computer and everything else. Thank you.
Mimi507 PS
Posted by: jeanietwo
Posted on: 2004-05-06 16:16:11
PS because I am sad to read where you have apparantly chosen to listen to others, your soon to be ex and his family instead to listening to your heart. You appear to be anything but ill prepared to support yourself and your children. Could it be possible your mom did as she did because she didn't know how to do otherwise? It could be she had to fend for herself as you will be or are doing. As the saying goes, if you don't know what's wrong, how can you fix it? To stay in this abusive relationship is a waste of your valuable time. Yes I understand divorces are ugly and costly, & you made some mistakes. Good heavens girl haven't we all in one way or the other? Here I am a 'senior citizen' type person and I sure have learned a lot, two marriages two divorces and single now longer than both marriages combined and I love it, being independant that is. Anyway, you can always improve your education, get some sort of meaningful job, find a career you have always wanted. As I see it, your partner's self esteem has to be in the gutter and reminds me of another saying, those who throw dirt they too lose ground!!Simply put, as with the others, I wish you well and go for the gold. It is there for your taking. Live for those children and you, ok?
Posted by: jeanietwo
Posted on: 2004-05-06 16:16:11
PS because I am sad to read where you have apparantly chosen to listen to others, your soon to be ex and his family instead to listening to your heart. You appear to be anything but ill prepared to support yourself and your children. Could it be possible your mom did as she did because she didn't know how to do otherwise? It could be she had to fend for herself as you will be or are doing. As the saying goes, if you don't know what's wrong, how can you fix it? To stay in this abusive relationship is a waste of your valuable time. Yes I understand divorces are ugly and costly, & you made some mistakes. Good heavens girl haven't we all in one way or the other? Here I am a 'senior citizen' type person and I sure have learned a lot, two marriages two divorces and single now longer than both marriages combined and I love it, being independant that is. Anyway, you can always improve your education, get some sort of meaningful job, find a career you have always wanted. As I see it, your partner's self esteem has to be in the gutter and reminds me of another saying, those who throw dirt they too lose ground!!Simply put, as with the others, I wish you well and go for the gold. It is there for your taking. Live for those children and you, ok?
Bravo
Posted by: fmbrooks
Posted on: 2004-05-09 19:26:47
Get away from that childish looser, get a job so you will know you can take care of yourself, and sue him for child support to use on the kids. Get you own place and don't ever let another influence how you feel about yourself. Why do women feel they have to put up with all sorts of crap from a man, just to prove they can keep one? Some things are not worth keeping and what you loose in companionship or support or whatever can more than be made up for in freedom, safety and self esteem.
Posted by: fmbrooks
Posted on: 2004-05-09 19:26:47
Get away from that childish looser, get a job so you will know you can take care of yourself, and sue him for child support to use on the kids. Get you own place and don't ever let another influence how you feel about yourself. Why do women feel they have to put up with all sorts of crap from a man, just to prove they can keep one? Some things are not worth keeping and what you loose in companionship or support or whatever can more than be made up for in freedom, safety and self esteem.
Respect
Posted by: tlcott
Posted on: 2004-05-05 13:02:48
You do deserve respect and if you don't demand it then you will not get it. For your children's sake, (they will follow your example) Pick yourself up today. Look at yourself in the mirror each morning and no matter what you see, tell yourself that you are a wonderful person and you will demand the respect you deserve. Because you do! Good Luck.
Posted by: tlcott
Posted on: 2004-05-05 13:02:48
You do deserve respect and if you don't demand it then you will not get it. For your children's sake, (they will follow your example) Pick yourself up today. Look at yourself in the mirror each morning and no matter what you see, tell yourself that you are a wonderful person and you will demand the respect you deserve. Because you do! Good Luck.
Posted by: jprovost
Posted on: 2004-05-05 16:42:48
In order to receive respect you must FIRST respect yourself. you teach people how to treat you. They watch you. If you are in a disrespective attitude with yourself than he will treat you that way also. Work on YOU. If he sees it, follows your lead and changes his ways than all is good. If he can't then it's time to cut it lose. You really need some help with YOU. There is no shame only the future of you being who you were put on this earth to be...so learn how to be it! You'll be in my prayers
Posted by: saltho
Posted on: 2004-05-25 02:42:09
I read what you wrote about respecting yourself and teaching others how to treat you. That is something one hears all the time but the question is HOW?? I mean i canīt just pack up and leave everytime I donīt feel that iīve been treated with respect. How do I go about "teaching" someone how to treat me?
i know
Posted by: ybella03
Posted on: 2004-05-05 17:24:39
My mother and father got a divorce when I was 12 years old.Up till then my parents were strick with me my father would not allow me to talk on the phone to guys and they were not aloud to call the house at all and I was not aloud to drink at all.
But after they got a divorce my mom just turned around she let me drink with my friends at the house, she would let my guy friends come over I was very open with her about everything.I am not puting her down at all she is a strong person and she has taught me to be a strong person to. I am glad that I didn't have to hide anything from her. Know I am a college graduate and I had my first child at age 23.My mother and I are the best of friends.
Posted by: ybella03
Posted on: 2004-05-05 17:24:39
My mother and father got a divorce when I was 12 years old.Up till then my parents were strick with me my father would not allow me to talk on the phone to guys and they were not aloud to call the house at all and I was not aloud to drink at all.
But after they got a divorce my mom just turned around she let me drink with my friends at the house, she would let my guy friends come over I was very open with her about everything.I am not puting her down at all she is a strong person and she has taught me to be a strong person to. I am glad that I didn't have to hide anything from her. Know I am a college graduate and I had my first child at age 23.My mother and I are the best of friends.
U Can Do It
Posted by: gr8fully
Posted on: 2004-05-05 22:17:28
Dear Mimi,
Regardless of what has happened (what your parents did or did not do)or even what you have done or haven't done. Learn about you and how to treat yourself, thats what I had to do. Dr. Phil's Book and Companion Book to Self Matter's was an additional tool that I added to my life. I was a drop out too, went back to school..36 yrs old and still in school. Its never to late. I stopped looking to everyone else to make my life better. I bought any book I could that dealt with dysfunctional families, abuse, and so forth. (Counseling too)
Posted by: gr8fully
Posted on: 2004-05-05 22:17:28
Dear Mimi,
Regardless of what has happened (what your parents did or did not do)or even what you have done or haven't done. Learn about you and how to treat yourself, thats what I had to do. Dr. Phil's Book and Companion Book to Self Matter's was an additional tool that I added to my life. I was a drop out too, went back to school..36 yrs old and still in school. Its never to late. I stopped looking to everyone else to make my life better. I bought any book I could that dealt with dysfunctional families, abuse, and so forth. (Counseling too)
Posted by: jeffersonl
Posted on: 2004-05-06 08:17:55
mimi507
You are stronger than you think. You had the courage to share your outcome of your mother's failure. You amount to so much more than you will ever know. You are a mother and that amounts to so much. You are you and that amounts to everything.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
deserving respect
Posted by: chancer99
Posted on: 2004-05-06 08:20:37
mimi507-You do deserve respect!! The first thing you need to learn is respect for yourself. If this is a relationship you want to stay in,then you both need to seek counseling. If he is not interested then do it for yourself. Other wise as long as you stay in this relationship you are hurting yourself and your children. If you have boys then they are learning that they can treat women this way and its okay and if you have girls you are teaching them that its all they deserve and should accept it. You can get help! Please try for yourself and your Children.
Posted by: chancer99
Posted on: 2004-05-06 08:20:37
mimi507-You do deserve respect!! The first thing you need to learn is respect for yourself. If this is a relationship you want to stay in,then you both need to seek counseling. If he is not interested then do it for yourself. Other wise as long as you stay in this relationship you are hurting yourself and your children. If you have boys then they are learning that they can treat women this way and its okay and if you have girls you are teaching them that its all they deserve and should accept it. You can get help! Please try for yourself and your Children.
mimi507
Posted by: quizzical
Posted on: 2004-05-06 11:10:24
It's like Dr. Phil has said before...
"Sometimes in life we have to give to ourselves what we wish we got from someone else".
mimi507 first of all having three kids is a BIG accomplishment that you should feel good about...being a good mom to them should make you feel good about yourself.
Also, there are lots of school's offering online degree programs, other campus programs offer courses one night a week and financial aid is easy to qualify for...get yourself that education!!! You deserve it and I PROMISE you'll build confidence within yourself from such an accomplishment. I know others will say that having an education doesnt mean anything - but trust me, the way you will feel about yourself by applying yourself to a goal and accomplishing it will do a lot for the way you feel about yourself...the sooner you get started the better. Good luck!
Posted by: quizzical
Posted on: 2004-05-06 11:10:24
It's like Dr. Phil has said before...
"Sometimes in life we have to give to ourselves what we wish we got from someone else".
mimi507 first of all having three kids is a BIG accomplishment that you should feel good about...being a good mom to them should make you feel good about yourself.
Also, there are lots of school's offering online degree programs, other campus programs offer courses one night a week and financial aid is easy to qualify for...get yourself that education!!! You deserve it and I PROMISE you'll build confidence within yourself from such an accomplishment. I know others will say that having an education doesnt mean anything - but trust me, the way you will feel about yourself by applying yourself to a goal and accomplishing it will do a lot for the way you feel about yourself...the sooner you get started the better. Good luck!
Mimi, our stories are almost the same.
Posted by: juliemom24
Posted on: 2004-05-06 12:21:08
I too was pregnant at 17 and got married to the abusive bum. It took 8 years and 3 kids for the lightbulb to turn on in my head and I got out.
My parents werent permissive though. In fact, it was the exact opposite. They were WAY too strict. I felt forced to be sneaky in order to have any kind of social life.
I look back now and I know my parents made all the choices they did with love in their hearts, they just didnt have all the tools they needed to deal with teenagers.
Today, I hold myself responsible for the choices I made, even at 15, 16...at an age that I had no business making such life altering decisions. However, I made them and the consequences are mine. I am able now to see that there were many tough lessons that I needed to learn in order to be a responsible adult. All those tough lessons made me the person I am today. I am a better mother, better wife to my new hubby, a better friend and a better daughter because I was willing to take stock of my life and quit placing blame where it didnt belong. I spent a long time blaming my abusive ex-husband for my life being a mess. I blamed my parents for being so strict and "forcing" me to leave home early. (it was my choice. I wanted a social life more than I wanted a family at the time).
The one common denominator in all of my messes was *ME*. And thats the only person who can turn it around.
Dear mimi....you DO deserve to be treated respectfully. You just have to work hard to get to a place where you truely believe that. Dont look outside yourself to fill a void that is on the inside. Your husband cant fix it, your kids cant fix it, not even a counsellor can fix that. You have to first stand up and declare, "I have worth and value and I have something to offer myself and the world."
If you wanna email me, you are welcome to
julieandjay@sympatico.ca
Take care
Julie
Posted by: juliemom24
Posted on: 2004-05-06 12:21:08
I too was pregnant at 17 and got married to the abusive bum. It took 8 years and 3 kids for the lightbulb to turn on in my head and I got out.
My parents werent permissive though. In fact, it was the exact opposite. They were WAY too strict. I felt forced to be sneaky in order to have any kind of social life.
I look back now and I know my parents made all the choices they did with love in their hearts, they just didnt have all the tools they needed to deal with teenagers.
Today, I hold myself responsible for the choices I made, even at 15, 16...at an age that I had no business making such life altering decisions. However, I made them and the consequences are mine. I am able now to see that there were many tough lessons that I needed to learn in order to be a responsible adult. All those tough lessons made me the person I am today. I am a better mother, better wife to my new hubby, a better friend and a better daughter because I was willing to take stock of my life and quit placing blame where it didnt belong. I spent a long time blaming my abusive ex-husband for my life being a mess. I blamed my parents for being so strict and "forcing" me to leave home early. (it was my choice. I wanted a social life more than I wanted a family at the time).
The one common denominator in all of my messes was *ME*. And thats the only person who can turn it around.
Dear mimi....you DO deserve to be treated respectfully. You just have to work hard to get to a place where you truely believe that. Dont look outside yourself to fill a void that is on the inside. Your husband cant fix it, your kids cant fix it, not even a counsellor can fix that. You have to first stand up and declare, "I have worth and value and I have something to offer myself and the world."
If you wanna email me, you are welcome to
julieandjay@sympatico.ca
Take care
Julie
mimi YOU deserve more
Posted by: vnichol
Posted on: 2004-05-20 23:59:30
I was pregnant at 14 and had 4 children by 22. after 2 bad relationships i finally relised i was worth something. I had another child by 25 and married her dad and have been married for 15 years. there is hope. you are somebody and deserve to be treated as so. Parents can do everything right and thier children can still make mistakes but i also know those parents that let boys or girls stay the night at a young age. my didn't but my sons that are now 17 and 18 stay the night at thier girl friends house and the parents don't care. it won't happen under my roof. I did it the wrong way and my children know that. i tell them how things should be. the now choose what they do and i can't control that.
Posted by: vnichol
Posted on: 2004-05-20 23:59:30
I was pregnant at 14 and had 4 children by 22. after 2 bad relationships i finally relised i was worth something. I had another child by 25 and married her dad and have been married for 15 years. there is hope. you are somebody and deserve to be treated as so. Parents can do everything right and thier children can still make mistakes but i also know those parents that let boys or girls stay the night at a young age. my didn't but my sons that are now 17 and 18 stay the night at thier girl friends house and the parents don't care. it won't happen under my roof. I did it the wrong way and my children know that. i tell them how things should be. the now choose what they do and i can't control that.
Posted by: dpfanatic1
Posted on: 2004-05-06 21:50:12
you definitley do deserve respect if not for the fact that you are raising three kids then for the fact that you are a person and everybody deserves a certain amount of respect!
Hey girl
Posted by: niquecole
Posted on: 2004-05-13 07:48:40
I;m so excited to hear that you are moving out! Dont give into his threats or abuse. You are strong enought to make it. You don't need a man to show you that you are valuable.
Become friends with the next man, and see how he treats his friends, family,and even enemies. Get to know his past, because it tends to repeat itself. Character is important, and you deserve a man with good character.
A formal education does not make someone smart. I am almost done with my college degree and I don't not remember very much that I learned. Unless a formal education gets you your dream job, don't worry about it. Its a waste of time. Its a lie that society tells us. Educate yourself by reading books, and researching things for yourself.
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!!!!While there are things we can always work on, don't be down on yourself. You gotta love yourself!!!!BECAUSE YOU ARE VALUABLE
Posted by: niquecole
Posted on: 2004-05-13 07:48:40
I;m so excited to hear that you are moving out! Dont give into his threats or abuse. You are strong enought to make it. You don't need a man to show you that you are valuable.
Become friends with the next man, and see how he treats his friends, family,and even enemies. Get to know his past, because it tends to repeat itself. Character is important, and you deserve a man with good character.
A formal education does not make someone smart. I am almost done with my college degree and I don't not remember very much that I learned. Unless a formal education gets you your dream job, don't worry about it. Its a waste of time. Its a lie that society tells us. Educate yourself by reading books, and researching things for yourself.
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!!!!While there are things we can always work on, don't be down on yourself. You gotta love yourself!!!!BECAUSE YOU ARE VALUABLE
Dear Mimi
Posted by: hwittman
Posted on: 2004-08-17 15:12:51
I hope that you will work out your problems with your mom. As a parent you should understand that we are human and make mistakes. I feel that until you let go of the past you won't work on the future and you have 3 children to think about.
Posted by: hwittman
Posted on: 2004-08-17 15:12:51
I hope that you will work out your problems with your mom. As a parent you should understand that we are human and make mistakes. I feel that until you let go of the past you won't work on the future and you have 3 children to think about.
Let's be positive
Posted by: nativetex
Posted on: 2004-05-05 10:07:08
I'm so glad you said what you did, biggirl777 and I hope Ann reads what you have to say. She needs our support and your message offers her hope. My hope is that today's message board is filled with posts like yours to inspire moms like Ann to address the problem now, before it is too late. She does not need to read 1200 messages attacking her extreme, unorthodoxed parenting choices of the past.
Let's support her desire to right this wrong rather than slam her for her past mistakes. Ann, I hope you take the help you get and improve both your life and the life
of your daughter. Take care.
Posted by: nativetex
Posted on: 2004-05-05 10:07:08
I'm so glad you said what you did, biggirl777 and I hope Ann reads what you have to say. She needs our support and your message offers her hope. My hope is that today's message board is filled with posts like yours to inspire moms like Ann to address the problem now, before it is too late. She does not need to read 1200 messages attacking her extreme, unorthodoxed parenting choices of the past.
Let's support her desire to right this wrong rather than slam her for her past mistakes. Ann, I hope you take the help you get and improve both your life and the life
of your daughter. Take care.
