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Posted by: rakhart
Posted on: 2004-02-23 09:38:24
I agree with Dr Phil about the screaming has to stop but I think he did not address the root of the Problem. STEP-PARENTING... From the few minutes we got to see this family.. The dad is not there for his wife as a step-mom.. he is setting her up. They are not setting the ground rules together.. and it looks like alot of the step-mom frustration is coming from feeling the odd person out in her home. The daughter is playing it to the hill.. She soon will have her step mom where she wants her.. Out the door... and daddy will be all hers. I don't buy the daughter tears.. The DAD is not working hard to bring this family together. He is at fault as much as moms screaming!!!!
Posted by: rakhart
Posted on: 2004-02-23 09:38:24
I agree with Dr Phil about the screaming has to stop but I think he did not address the root of the Problem. STEP-PARENTING... From the few minutes we got to see this family.. The dad is not there for his wife as a step-mom.. he is setting her up. They are not setting the ground rules together.. and it looks like alot of the step-mom frustration is coming from feeling the odd person out in her home. The daughter is playing it to the hill.. She soon will have her step mom where she wants her.. Out the door... and daddy will be all hers. I don't buy the daughter tears.. The DAD is not working hard to bring this family together. He is at fault as much as moms screaming!!!!
I think you are wrong about Mommy dearest
Posted by: maggie_why
Posted on: 2004-02-23 10:32:19
I may agree with the fact that Dr. Phil needs to address the fact of blending families, however.. a parent; whether it be a parent or a step parent, does not have the right to abuse any child with words.... PERIOD. You may think that its just "step-parent frustration" however, being a step-parent and KNOWING first hand that frustration, I HAVE NEVER talked to my step son this way, nor will I ever.
Posted by: maggie_why
Posted on: 2004-02-23 10:32:19
I may agree with the fact that Dr. Phil needs to address the fact of blending families, however.. a parent; whether it be a parent or a step parent, does not have the right to abuse any child with words.... PERIOD. You may think that its just "step-parent frustration" however, being a step-parent and KNOWING first hand that frustration, I HAVE NEVER talked to my step son this way, nor will I ever.
Step-parent
Posted by: rakhart
Posted on: 2004-02-23 14:21:13
I AGREED with dr. Phil that the screaming had to stop..Period..No question about it!!! But the dad is not supporting the step-mom and allowing his daughter to get away with negative behavior. It is very easy to ONLY focus on the step-mom screaming (she louder) and miss the lack of parents common rules and support for each other, the daughter negative behavior, and the Dad avoiding his kids negative behavior.
Oh I believe a 14 year old (or any step-child) does knows that if the step-parent is not there there will be one less set of eyes on the them. Plus the parent all to themself again. No more sharing -
Posted by: rakhart
Posted on: 2004-02-23 14:21:13
I AGREED with dr. Phil that the screaming had to stop..Period..No question about it!!! But the dad is not supporting the step-mom and allowing his daughter to get away with negative behavior. It is very easy to ONLY focus on the step-mom screaming (she louder) and miss the lack of parents common rules and support for each other, the daughter negative behavior, and the Dad avoiding his kids negative behavior.
Oh I believe a 14 year old (or any step-child) does knows that if the step-parent is not there there will be one less set of eyes on the them. Plus the parent all to themself again. No more sharing -
every relationship takes two
Posted by: reepslady
Posted on: 2004-02-23 19:27:25
Sort of sounded like the guy was laying down the law with his wife (which he absolutely should) but refusing to address the daughter's behavior. Every relationship is made up of two people, therefore both must respect each other (the daughter and the stepmom) and both must work at making this relationship work. The couple really need to sit down and work out a plan on what is appropriate, for both the kids and adults.
Posted by: reepslady
Posted on: 2004-02-23 19:27:25
Sort of sounded like the guy was laying down the law with his wife (which he absolutely should) but refusing to address the daughter's behavior. Every relationship is made up of two people, therefore both must respect each other (the daughter and the stepmom) and both must work at making this relationship work. The couple really need to sit down and work out a plan on what is appropriate, for both the kids and adults.
sounds familiar
Posted by: laurabug7
Posted on: 2004-02-24 00:10:34
My daughter is sometimes overly hard on her 4 girls. She yells & calls them names & hits more than she should sometimes. My son-in-law patronizes them & talks to them & nothing happens. He also degrades her in front of the girls quite frequently. The girls have no respect for either one of them & if she does something to them like spanking or pulling hair or whatever, they tell on her & she catches it from him. He does these things in front of the girls. Neither one of them really have any control & the whole household is chaotic the majority of the time. They need help.
Posted by: laurabug7
Posted on: 2004-02-24 00:10:34
My daughter is sometimes overly hard on her 4 girls. She yells & calls them names & hits more than she should sometimes. My son-in-law patronizes them & talks to them & nothing happens. He also degrades her in front of the girls quite frequently. The girls have no respect for either one of them & if she does something to them like spanking or pulling hair or whatever, they tell on her & she catches it from him. He does these things in front of the girls. Neither one of them really have any control & the whole household is chaotic the majority of the time. They need help.
wow, how sad
Posted by: avasings
Posted on: 2004-02-24 01:21:37
laurabug7, wow, that is really sad. Most parents hide their behavior in front of others so if you know about these behaviors there are probably worse ones sadly.....
Maybe they will be watching Dr. Phil tonight and change their ways. It must be horrible for you to know your grandchildren are being abused. So sad....sigh...all the poor kids out there just break my heart. :-(
Posted by: avasings
Posted on: 2004-02-24 01:21:37
laurabug7, wow, that is really sad. Most parents hide their behavior in front of others so if you know about these behaviors there are probably worse ones sadly.....
Maybe they will be watching Dr. Phil tonight and change their ways. It must be horrible for you to know your grandchildren are being abused. So sad....sigh...all the poor kids out there just break my heart. :-(
wow, how sad
Posted by: avasings
Posted on: 2004-02-24 01:32:36
laurabug7, wow, that is really sad. Most parents hide their behavior in front of others so if you know about these behaviors there are probably worse ones sadly.....
Maybe they will be watching Dr. Phil tonight and change their ways. It must be horrible for you to know your grandchildren are being abused. So sad....sigh...all the poor kids out there just break my heart. :-(
Posted by: avasings
Posted on: 2004-02-24 01:32:36
laurabug7, wow, that is really sad. Most parents hide their behavior in front of others so if you know about these behaviors there are probably worse ones sadly.....
Maybe they will be watching Dr. Phil tonight and change their ways. It must be horrible for you to know your grandchildren are being abused. So sad....sigh...all the poor kids out there just break my heart. :-(
Pulling hair or whatever???
Posted by: lgjerome
Posted on: 2004-02-25 08:56:02
What does that mean??? Spanking too much, pulling hair, or whatever???? That is a huge problem. They need help!
Posted by: lgjerome
Posted on: 2004-02-25 08:56:02
What does that mean??? Spanking too much, pulling hair, or whatever???? That is a huge problem. They need help!
Posted by: lexlyone
Posted on: 2004-02-25 09:04:19
as a grandmother I can relate to the pain and frustration you have over the way your grandchildren are being treated. My own son and daughter-in-law were in a constant state of conflict over their children, his, hers, and theirs. The marraige broke down and she took hers and theirs and left my grandson with daddy they have joint custody of their little girl. When my son first took his son and moved into my studio after she left him it was hard for my son not to take things out on my grandson. The yelling and screaming and harsh disciplined esculated to the point that my granson was in danger of being hurt. I stepped in and insisted that my son get counseling and that he leave my grandson in my care the majority of the time until he did. My son has calmed down and is no longer using my grandson to take out his pain. He was angry at my threats to turn him in for abuse but now he understands and has begun to be aware of how his actions can hurt his children. It was scarry to think that he might hate me or run with my grandson in tow, all kinds of things popped into my head that could have kept me from protecting my grandchilren but I know I did the right thing for them. The children come first and you need to think about how you can help and protect them. It may mean stepping in and doing something your afraid to do. your daughter needs help and so does your son-in-law but mostly your grandchildren need their grandma to protect them from the abuse.
sounds familiar
Posted by: crwl1969
Posted on: 2004-07-07 20:21:19
I too am in a sitch where my nephew and niece are being bullied by my brother, and they both suffer low self esteem, we have tried to help my brother to see what he is doing but he is oblivious. My brother and his wife also treat each other with no respect and don't communicate. My nephew has been diagnosed with A.D.D and depression, and does not get excited about anything and nearly failed 7th grade, my brother claims he has given up on my nephew which just makes me want to cry. I feel so Helpless. Where do you find help for these poor kids?
Posted by: crwl1969
Posted on: 2004-07-07 20:21:19
I too am in a sitch where my nephew and niece are being bullied by my brother, and they both suffer low self esteem, we have tried to help my brother to see what he is doing but he is oblivious. My brother and his wife also treat each other with no respect and don't communicate. My nephew has been diagnosed with A.D.D and depression, and does not get excited about anything and nearly failed 7th grade, my brother claims he has given up on my nephew which just makes me want to cry. I feel so Helpless. Where do you find help for these poor kids?
sorry to hear this
Posted by: mom_3_
Posted on: 2004-07-08 13:09:43
Hey crw1969,
Sorry to hear this. My son has ADHD and one thing that is stressed among ADHD children that the more u yell and screaming the more the child will shut down and not responed. It was stated in one of the ADHD book I got that an ADHD child does not like loud noises.
This holds ture with my son he was a bit shy with his grandma cause she talks loud by nature she does not yell it is just the way she talks. I am really sad to hear these children have to endure that kind of treatment from thier parents on a daily bases. I would maybe suggest to hear to give ur local child pretection agancy a call and not make a report but see if u can talk to one of the counslers and go from there.If u every need anyone to talk to. feel free to contact me:) Best luck and wishes
Posted by: mom_3_
Posted on: 2004-07-08 13:09:43
Hey crw1969,
Sorry to hear this. My son has ADHD and one thing that is stressed among ADHD children that the more u yell and screaming the more the child will shut down and not responed. It was stated in one of the ADHD book I got that an ADHD child does not like loud noises.
This holds ture with my son he was a bit shy with his grandma cause she talks loud by nature she does not yell it is just the way she talks. I am really sad to hear these children have to endure that kind of treatment from thier parents on a daily bases. I would maybe suggest to hear to give ur local child pretection agancy a call and not make a report but see if u can talk to one of the counslers and go from there.If u every need anyone to talk to. feel free to contact me:) Best luck and wishes
sorry to hear this
Posted by: mom_3_
Posted on: 2004-07-08 13:38:20
Hey crw1969,
Sorry to hear this. My son has ADHD and one thing that is stressed among ADHD children that the more u yell and screaming the more the child will shut down and not responed. It was stated in one of the ADHD book I got that an ADHD child does not like loud noises.
This holds ture with my son he was a bit shy with his grandma cause she talks loud by nature she does not yell it is just the way she talks. I am really sad to hear these children have to endure that kind of treatment from thier parents on a daily bases. I would maybe suggest to hear to give ur local child pretection agancy a call and not make a report but see if u can talk to one of the counslers and go from there.If u every need anyone to talk to. feel free to contact me:) Best luck and wishes
Posted by: mom_3_
Posted on: 2004-07-08 13:38:20
Hey crw1969,
Sorry to hear this. My son has ADHD and one thing that is stressed among ADHD children that the more u yell and screaming the more the child will shut down and not responed. It was stated in one of the ADHD book I got that an ADHD child does not like loud noises.
This holds ture with my son he was a bit shy with his grandma cause she talks loud by nature she does not yell it is just the way she talks. I am really sad to hear these children have to endure that kind of treatment from thier parents on a daily bases. I would maybe suggest to hear to give ur local child pretection agancy a call and not make a report but see if u can talk to one of the counslers and go from there.If u every need anyone to talk to. feel free to contact me:) Best luck and wishes
Spanking Lady
Posted by: bowl300
Posted on: 2004-02-24 10:09:33
You have to have balance with the discipline or it loses it's effectiveness. I think Dr Phil was right when he said "If it works, why do you have to keep doing it". I have always thought spanking was really good as a last resort and for times when a kid is really being super ornery and disobedient. 2-3 times a week is way too much. As a kid, I can remember the times I was spanked and it was when I was really being testy. It sounded like the husband was wimpy when it came to discipline.."It is ok to write on the walls" - whew, give me a break. Like I said, balance is the key as well as parents that work out a plan together.
Posted by: bowl300
Posted on: 2004-02-24 10:09:33
You have to have balance with the discipline or it loses it's effectiveness. I think Dr Phil was right when he said "If it works, why do you have to keep doing it". I have always thought spanking was really good as a last resort and for times when a kid is really being super ornery and disobedient. 2-3 times a week is way too much. As a kid, I can remember the times I was spanked and it was when I was really being testy. It sounded like the husband was wimpy when it came to discipline.."It is ok to write on the walls" - whew, give me a break. Like I said, balance is the key as well as parents that work out a plan together.
Father Needs a Reality Check
Posted by: nettles24
Posted on: 2004-02-24 15:45:37
Is everyone in agreement that the father needs to get a grip? His comment about "she's only six", made me angry. At six, isn't she a bit old to be throwing a tantrum? At six, can't she pick up her toys and clean her room? I say "YES" to both. As long as the father babys her, she is going to grow into a unruly teen and cause them huge grief and no doubt a divorce.
Posted by: nettles24
Posted on: 2004-02-24 15:45:37
Is everyone in agreement that the father needs to get a grip? His comment about "she's only six", made me angry. At six, isn't she a bit old to be throwing a tantrum? At six, can't she pick up her toys and clean her room? I say "YES" to both. As long as the father babys her, she is going to grow into a unruly teen and cause them huge grief and no doubt a divorce.
Yes, I agree
Posted by: avasings
Posted on: 2004-02-24 17:11:42
nettles24:
Though I thought the mother hitting her child with a spatula was sickening, I found the father acting like she was a newborn sickening as well. My daughter isn't even 4 yet and has known for as long as I can remember not to write on walls, etc. Does the child have learning disabilities or something?? The dad mentioned at the end that he was verbally abused by his mother, perhaps that is why he is so lenient. The mother is probably hitting the girl out of frustration with the dad. It is probably him she really wants to hit. He isn't doing his daughter any favors by expecting nothing from her. Both need to get a grip quickly.
Posted by: avasings
Posted on: 2004-02-24 17:11:42
nettles24:
Though I thought the mother hitting her child with a spatula was sickening, I found the father acting like she was a newborn sickening as well. My daughter isn't even 4 yet and has known for as long as I can remember not to write on walls, etc. Does the child have learning disabilities or something?? The dad mentioned at the end that he was verbally abused by his mother, perhaps that is why he is so lenient. The mother is probably hitting the girl out of frustration with the dad. It is probably him she really wants to hit. He isn't doing his daughter any favors by expecting nothing from her. Both need to get a grip quickly.
Agree, however...
Posted by: tigermeg
Posted on: 2004-07-07 20:41:33
I agree that a six year old is capable of A LOT more than this child is being given credit for, however I don't think her actions reflect a learning disability, but maybe a way for attention. Even negative attention IS ATTENTION. She has learned that her negative behavior in response to negative treatment gets her attention, probably more than her good behavior. What a shame that this woman honestly does not see how her ABUSE is ABUSE. If anyone reported her to child authoities she would be in trouble and if a babysitter did this he/she would be arrested for his/her actions.
Posted by: tigermeg
Posted on: 2004-07-07 20:41:33
I agree that a six year old is capable of A LOT more than this child is being given credit for, however I don't think her actions reflect a learning disability, but maybe a way for attention. Even negative attention IS ATTENTION. She has learned that her negative behavior in response to negative treatment gets her attention, probably more than her good behavior. What a shame that this woman honestly does not see how her ABUSE is ABUSE. If anyone reported her to child authoities she would be in trouble and if a babysitter did this he/she would be arrested for his/her actions.
I agree completly
Posted by: selersic
Posted on: 2004-02-25 09:50:41
I think that if you use spanking for each and everything a child does, it is almost like your child will become immune to it. I believe that is why she is now using other objects to spank with. I think that spanking is more effective if used in serious cases, that cannot be your only form of dicipline. I think the other important thing is that, getting their child under control, has got to be a team effort. The worst mistake you can make is to undermind authority. I do have to say though that I completly disagree with the way she is choosing to discipline her child. You cannot expect inflicting pain with an object to be affective! Use spanking as a last resort and never use an object to hit your child with.
Selersic
Posted by: selersic
Posted on: 2004-02-25 09:50:41
I think that if you use spanking for each and everything a child does, it is almost like your child will become immune to it. I believe that is why she is now using other objects to spank with. I think that spanking is more effective if used in serious cases, that cannot be your only form of dicipline. I think the other important thing is that, getting their child under control, has got to be a team effort. The worst mistake you can make is to undermind authority. I do have to say though that I completly disagree with the way she is choosing to discipline her child. You cannot expect inflicting pain with an object to be affective! Use spanking as a last resort and never use an object to hit your child with.
Selersic
Whatever happened to Time OUts or Other Forms
Posted by: sharonva
Posted on: 2004-07-07 10:30:24
We have a almost 3 year old and an almost 5 year old. We find the most effective punishment is sending them to their rooms or taking away something they like/enjoy. Yelling and hitting only helps the parent vent their frustration. I know cause sometimes I do it but feel like heck afterwards. I was beaten as a child repeatedly as punishment and promise never to do it as a parent. But guess what.... it is the easiest thing for me to fall back on. I am a stay at home mom but my husband is very supportive. When I do feel the rage coming on I put myself in a time out!!
Posted by: sharonva
Posted on: 2004-07-07 10:30:24
We have a almost 3 year old and an almost 5 year old. We find the most effective punishment is sending them to their rooms or taking away something they like/enjoy. Yelling and hitting only helps the parent vent their frustration. I know cause sometimes I do it but feel like heck afterwards. I was beaten as a child repeatedly as punishment and promise never to do it as a parent. But guess what.... it is the easiest thing for me to fall back on. I am a stay at home mom but my husband is very supportive. When I do feel the rage coming on I put myself in a time out!!
it takes two to tango
Posted by: misky8
Posted on: 2004-02-26 22:12:53
I agree that you should all sit down and talk about this problem. The husband/father has to be diplomatic with both his wife and daughter because the problem probably is not one sided. It takes two to make an argument. I don't know how old your daughter is but some children can give as good as they get and can initiate the problem because they want there Dad to take their side and vice versa. Let both know you are there for them but you won't tolerate any shouting or bad mouthing from either of them because you love them both and want them to get along as it hurts you as well as is harmful to themselves. Don't lay down the law to just one of them because the other one then thinks they were right. Don't let them push your buttons as well as each others.
Posted by: misky8
Posted on: 2004-02-26 22:12:53
I agree that you should all sit down and talk about this problem. The husband/father has to be diplomatic with both his wife and daughter because the problem probably is not one sided. It takes two to make an argument. I don't know how old your daughter is but some children can give as good as they get and can initiate the problem because they want there Dad to take their side and vice versa. Let both know you are there for them but you won't tolerate any shouting or bad mouthing from either of them because you love them both and want them to get along as it hurts you as well as is harmful to themselves. Don't lay down the law to just one of them because the other one then thinks they were right. Don't let them push your buttons as well as each others.
reepslady
Posted by: jerrysmama
Posted on: 2004-03-02 08:42:58
Hey my spouses X and i mean X beat my spouse down so far that total detachment from the plan or rules-we made-allows the behavior. I also get the Law laid down but am the only one who tries to follow it. Some of it may be because of the inability to talk to the X rationally.
Posted by: jerrysmama
Posted on: 2004-03-02 08:42:58
Hey my spouses X and i mean X beat my spouse down so far that total detachment from the plan or rules-we made-allows the behavior. I also get the Law laid down but am the only one who tries to follow it. Some of it may be because of the inability to talk to the X rationally.
