06/18 Surviving the First Year of Marriage
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9How do I approach an issue without offending him?
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 10:07:44
I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 5 years, and we have recently been discussing marriage. We have both been married before, and I have 2 children so we've been a little nervous. Most things are great, however I feel that he may be a little selfish in regards to what's important. If he wants something done, he wants it now and done exactly the way he wants/needs it. On the other hand, if there is something my kids or myself want/need, there is no sense of urgency. It makes me feel that we aren't important to him or that we aren't living up to his standards. How can I express this without offending him or making him feel like I'm attacking his character?
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 10:07:44
I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 5 years, and we have recently been discussing marriage. We have both been married before, and I have 2 children so we've been a little nervous. Most things are great, however I feel that he may be a little selfish in regards to what's important. If he wants something done, he wants it now and done exactly the way he wants/needs it. On the other hand, if there is something my kids or myself want/need, there is no sense of urgency. It makes me feel that we aren't important to him or that we aren't living up to his standards. How can I express this without offending him or making him feel like I'm attacking his character?
Don't waste another day
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2003-10-14 13:38:43
You've already wasted five years of your life on this guy. Why waste another day? If you think he's self-centered now, just wait until you've been married to him for a few years. Of course, you can tell him that his insistance on instant gratification of all of his wants and needs and his lack of concern for yours makes you feel unimportant to him. It may actually do some lasting good. He may change. Then again, he may merely pay lip service to your concerns or refuse to even acknowledge the problem. If he continues in his selfish ways, you'll either have to put up with it or find someone else.
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2003-10-14 13:38:43
You've already wasted five years of your life on this guy. Why waste another day? If you think he's self-centered now, just wait until you've been married to him for a few years. Of course, you can tell him that his insistance on instant gratification of all of his wants and needs and his lack of concern for yours makes you feel unimportant to him. It may actually do some lasting good. He may change. Then again, he may merely pay lip service to your concerns or refuse to even acknowledge the problem. If he continues in his selfish ways, you'll either have to put up with it or find someone else.
wasted time?
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 17:57:49
Hi ramair...thanks so much for the input!!! I'd like to think that the past 5 years haven't been a waste, we've grown a lot, and made it through some really tough times. However, if I don't address this issue, I'm not so sure we will be able to go to that next level. Your advise is encouraging and will help me share my feelings with him...then I guess we'll see how strong we really are!
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 17:57:49
Hi ramair...thanks so much for the input!!! I'd like to think that the past 5 years haven't been a waste, we've grown a lot, and made it through some really tough times. However, if I don't address this issue, I'm not so sure we will be able to go to that next level. Your advise is encouraging and will help me share my feelings with him...then I guess we'll see how strong we really are!
Marriage
Posted by: kpfan45
Posted on: 2003-10-14 14:49:31
ALL men can be selfish in that way. You used the words "he may be a little selfish", is that what you really mean or were you being nice? If it isn't that big a problem and he is just 'a little selfish' then there is no reason why when things are quiet and peaceful you cannot discuss it and come up with solution that will meet both of your needs. No need to attack his character. I have been married for 10 years with 2 children and have had issues with feeling taken for granted, like I am taking care of everyone and no one is taking care of me, etc.....we are Mom's, we ALL go thru that with our spouse/sign. other and kids. We always discuss it and come up with a plan or solution. Now, I am not saying the 'crap' might not hit the fan once in a while before we get to the 'plan' but we can always work thru it. If you were being nice about his level of selfishness then you need to step back and maybe reevaluate what is best for you and your kids and if this will work for the long run! Good luck!
Posted by: kpfan45
Posted on: 2003-10-14 14:49:31
ALL men can be selfish in that way. You used the words "he may be a little selfish", is that what you really mean or were you being nice? If it isn't that big a problem and he is just 'a little selfish' then there is no reason why when things are quiet and peaceful you cannot discuss it and come up with solution that will meet both of your needs. No need to attack his character. I have been married for 10 years with 2 children and have had issues with feeling taken for granted, like I am taking care of everyone and no one is taking care of me, etc.....we are Mom's, we ALL go thru that with our spouse/sign. other and kids. We always discuss it and come up with a plan or solution. Now, I am not saying the 'crap' might not hit the fan once in a while before we get to the 'plan' but we can always work thru it. If you were being nice about his level of selfishness then you need to step back and maybe reevaluate what is best for you and your kids and if this will work for the long run! Good luck!
Marriage...
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 18:12:23
Hello kpfan45! You really hit the nail on the head in regards to feeling as if I am being taken for granted! Even though I know it's a "mom/partner" thing, it helps to hear that I'm not alone! I have a lot of admiration for you and your 10 year marriage. It's become so easy to just walk away from relationships rather than face the important issues that will make you stronger! I appreciate your advise, and helping me see how unfair it would be to everyone involved if I just ignore the problem at hand! Thanks!
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 18:12:23
Hello kpfan45! You really hit the nail on the head in regards to feeling as if I am being taken for granted! Even though I know it's a "mom/partner" thing, it helps to hear that I'm not alone! I have a lot of admiration for you and your 10 year marriage. It's become so easy to just walk away from relationships rather than face the important issues that will make you stronger! I appreciate your advise, and helping me see how unfair it would be to everyone involved if I just ignore the problem at hand! Thanks!
Taken for granted
Posted by: sonarjenn
Posted on: 2003-10-14 22:00:02
My husband and i have been married for almost 4 yrs, and if i have figured anything out it's this: the man is not inherently selfish, he's inherently dense. he doesn't know i need help until i ask him. Just this evening as i was doing laundry, i asked him if he would do the dishes after dinner; it didn't even occur to him that dishes needed to be done! he did them without a problem, but the one thing that i could say that most of our fights used to be about is that we both work full time (no kids) and i was putting in more "home time" than he was. Of course, no one really wants to do the dishes, but we've finally reached a balance and he's realized i'm not superwoman, and i need some help.
Posted by: sonarjenn
Posted on: 2003-10-14 22:00:02
My husband and i have been married for almost 4 yrs, and if i have figured anything out it's this: the man is not inherently selfish, he's inherently dense. he doesn't know i need help until i ask him. Just this evening as i was doing laundry, i asked him if he would do the dishes after dinner; it didn't even occur to him that dishes needed to be done! he did them without a problem, but the one thing that i could say that most of our fights used to be about is that we both work full time (no kids) and i was putting in more "home time" than he was. Of course, no one really wants to do the dishes, but we've finally reached a balance and he's realized i'm not superwoman, and i need some help.
taken for granted
Posted by: kjakester
Posted on: 2003-10-14 23:09:07
I think that all women feel this way once in awhile (some more than others) because men just don't always get it. But in their defense, I myself have just assumed the sink would be fixed or the car washed by my husband cause that's what he does better than I. We met and married at age 18 and 19 and have been together (happily) for 21 years and yes we have had some HUGE fights over dumb stuff like who does what, when and how much but somehow if I step back after feeling unappreciated and see the big picture, I see the checkbook he is struggling to balance cause I wrote something in wrong or the appliances that took him 5 hrs to hook up cause all the parts were wrong or the uniforms he irons for me all the time...I see this and I am humbled cause he is a good man. Besides, sometimes when a man "helps" we women tend to redo it...at least I do when he isn't looking cause it isn't the way I like ha ha
Posted by: kjakester
Posted on: 2003-10-14 23:09:07
I think that all women feel this way once in awhile (some more than others) because men just don't always get it. But in their defense, I myself have just assumed the sink would be fixed or the car washed by my husband cause that's what he does better than I. We met and married at age 18 and 19 and have been together (happily) for 21 years and yes we have had some HUGE fights over dumb stuff like who does what, when and how much but somehow if I step back after feeling unappreciated and see the big picture, I see the checkbook he is struggling to balance cause I wrote something in wrong or the appliances that took him 5 hrs to hook up cause all the parts were wrong or the uniforms he irons for me all the time...I see this and I am humbled cause he is a good man. Besides, sometimes when a man "helps" we women tend to redo it...at least I do when he isn't looking cause it isn't the way I like ha ha
short list
Posted by: joan191919
Posted on: 2003-10-25 09:23:50
Does anybody know the 5 - 7 item Short List that women can/should expect from a man? My husband and I have been together almost 20 fairly good years, NO children by mutual choice, and I've searched the site of the 10/14 show and can't find such a simple thing. Can anybody help?
Posted by: joan191919
Posted on: 2003-10-25 09:23:50
Does anybody know the 5 - 7 item Short List that women can/should expect from a man? My husband and I have been together almost 20 fairly good years, NO children by mutual choice, and I've searched the site of the 10/14 show and can't find such a simple thing. Can anybody help?
You should be able to approach him no matter what.
Posted by: autumnkell
Posted on: 2003-10-14 16:23:49
I was with a man for 11 years everything seemed alright.He was selfish every thing had to evolve around him and i did settled with it.As the years went on it got worse.If our three girls wanted something he would say they did not need it.But,he would get whatever he wanted no matter whether bills were due or even if they needed things for school. I could not approach him all the time either. It makes stress I feel in a marriage. I would never settle for that treatment ever again, i would never let my children settle for that.If i give you 100% thats what i expect.
Posted by: autumnkell
Posted on: 2003-10-14 16:23:49
I was with a man for 11 years everything seemed alright.He was selfish every thing had to evolve around him and i did settled with it.As the years went on it got worse.If our three girls wanted something he would say they did not need it.But,he would get whatever he wanted no matter whether bills were due or even if they needed things for school. I could not approach him all the time either. It makes stress I feel in a marriage. I would never settle for that treatment ever again, i would never let my children settle for that.If i give you 100% thats what i expect.
No matter what!
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 18:18:46
You are so right autumnkell! I should be able to approach him with any and every feeling I'm having. It's not fair to anyone involved to just sweep things under the rug and hope they will work out automatically. If he isn't able to understand my feelings, than settling can't be an option!!! Thanks for the advise!
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 18:18:46
You are so right autumnkell! I should be able to approach him with any and every feeling I'm having. It's not fair to anyone involved to just sweep things under the rug and hope they will work out automatically. If he isn't able to understand my feelings, than settling can't be an option!!! Thanks for the advise!
glad to help
Posted by: autumnkell
Posted on: 2003-10-16 14:17:04
you are welcome. i enjoy reading everyones comments. i wish i would have ask for opinions before i got married. but i know what to look for now and wont settle for less.
Posted by: autumnkell
Posted on: 2003-10-16 14:17:04
you are welcome. i enjoy reading everyones comments. i wish i would have ask for opinions before i got married. but i know what to look for now and wont settle for less.
re:No matter what!
Posted by: carol_23
Posted on: 2003-11-21 18:06:20
viewer101 I've been sitting here reading all posts between yourself and others and I just had to put in my 2 cents. From a female standpoint I am right there with you. My fiance and I are coming up on our 5th year together. We've only been engaged since Feb. this year. Why did it take so long? Because all the issues that your concerned with we wanted to work through so that we could be sure that our love was strong enough to overcome all that and more. I can tell you it's been a rocky road but regardless of all our fights large and small and regardless of his lack of urgency and selfishness at times were still together and stronger than ever. For me, sometimes it took getting really pissed to tell him how I felt. He would get his feelings hurt and I'd apologize, but he would get the point and whatever I was mad about was changed. It's not something that's going to happen overnight. If you love him and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves you, you will work through. I have 2 children also, just remember that this is another very important factor in your relationship. He has to be right for you and them. Good luck! BTW--my email address is carol23@cox-internet.com if you ever want to chat. Been there and done that and if I had had someone to talk to it would have been much easier.
Posted by: carol_23
Posted on: 2003-11-21 18:06:20
viewer101 I've been sitting here reading all posts between yourself and others and I just had to put in my 2 cents. From a female standpoint I am right there with you. My fiance and I are coming up on our 5th year together. We've only been engaged since Feb. this year. Why did it take so long? Because all the issues that your concerned with we wanted to work through so that we could be sure that our love was strong enough to overcome all that and more. I can tell you it's been a rocky road but regardless of all our fights large and small and regardless of his lack of urgency and selfishness at times were still together and stronger than ever. For me, sometimes it took getting really pissed to tell him how I felt. He would get his feelings hurt and I'd apologize, but he would get the point and whatever I was mad about was changed. It's not something that's going to happen overnight. If you love him and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves you, you will work through. I have 2 children also, just remember that this is another very important factor in your relationship. He has to be right for you and them. Good luck! BTW--my email address is carol23@cox-internet.com if you ever want to chat. Been there and done that and if I had had someone to talk to it would have been much easier.
Married 45 years
Posted by: dordim41
Posted on: 2004-06-18 18:42:13
I recall a show Dr Phil had one time with people who were asking if they should get married. One particular couple was told "Don't get into a leaky boat...fix the boat first". Many times we think another person can read our mind. If we don't tell them how are they to know?? If they do know and it doesn't matter to them...it's time to make the decision to stay or go..is it a deal-breaker?? Comunicate & negotiate.
Posted by: dordim41
Posted on: 2004-06-18 18:42:13
I recall a show Dr Phil had one time with people who were asking if they should get married. One particular couple was told "Don't get into a leaky boat...fix the boat first". Many times we think another person can read our mind. If we don't tell them how are they to know?? If they do know and it doesn't matter to them...it's time to make the decision to stay or go..is it a deal-breaker?? Comunicate & negotiate.
In the words of Dr. Phil
Posted by: beelja
Posted on: 2003-10-14 17:03:05
In the words of Dr. Phil...
1. Stop complaining and start asking. Be specific with him and tell him what you need.
2. We teach people how to treat us. See if there is something you are doing that lets him know it is o.k. for him to treat you and the kids the way he does.
And here's my two cents: Above all else, I beg you to consider the children. Sometimes adults put their own needs before the children's. That is damage that takes a long time to repair and sometimes it is never repaired. So I urge you to be cautious and consider everything carefully. There is no need to rush. One of my college psychology professors once said that anything that is good before marriage gets better. Anything bad gets worse. Good luck!
Posted by: beelja
Posted on: 2003-10-14 17:03:05
In the words of Dr. Phil...
1. Stop complaining and start asking. Be specific with him and tell him what you need.
2. We teach people how to treat us. See if there is something you are doing that lets him know it is o.k. for him to treat you and the kids the way he does.
And here's my two cents: Above all else, I beg you to consider the children. Sometimes adults put their own needs before the children's. That is damage that takes a long time to repair and sometimes it is never repaired. So I urge you to be cautious and consider everything carefully. There is no need to rush. One of my college psychology professors once said that anything that is good before marriage gets better. Anything bad gets worse. Good luck!
My childrens needs are always #1
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 18:35:15
Hello beelja...I have to say, your "two cents" were worth a million dollars to me!!! Let me also clarify that the kids and their feelings are always at the top of my list! In fact, I sould take more time to think about me and my feelings and then maybe, I wouldn't get myself into these positions. The "words of Dr. Phil" are exactly what I need to do. The longer I avoid these issues, the longer I will stress. I absolutely will follow your advise!!! Thanks "a million"! :)
p.s. Your professor was very wise, and taught you well...
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 18:35:15
Hello beelja...I have to say, your "two cents" were worth a million dollars to me!!! Let me also clarify that the kids and their feelings are always at the top of my list! In fact, I sould take more time to think about me and my feelings and then maybe, I wouldn't get myself into these positions. The "words of Dr. Phil" are exactly what I need to do. The longer I avoid these issues, the longer I will stress. I absolutely will follow your advise!!! Thanks "a million"! :)
p.s. Your professor was very wise, and taught you well...
You are certainly welcome
Posted by: beelja
Posted on: 2003-10-14 21:08:44
You are so welcome. I am glad to hear that your kids are at the top of the list. I wish you luck, but more than that I wish you wisdom and clarity with your decisions.
Posted by: beelja
Posted on: 2003-10-14 21:08:44
You are so welcome. I am glad to hear that your kids are at the top of the list. I wish you luck, but more than that I wish you wisdom and clarity with your decisions.
Communication
Posted by: elbylee
Posted on: 2003-10-14 18:53:07
Hi there, I know where you are coming from I have been married for 12 years and my husband was and sometimes is very similar. This is his major quirk, and he doesn't mean that we are not as important as he is, he just isn't as thoughtfull as I am. If he wants it he knows how important it is to him and how/when he wants it. Does he know how important the things you and the kids want are to you, or when you want them done. I don't know your specific situation, but I find if I say honey I can't take down the Christmas lights myself and it really bugs me to have them up there in July could you please take them down this weekend. He will take them down this weekend. If I say hey would ya look at those Christmas lights he thinks it is a compliment on how well he put them up. Take Dr. Phil's advice and talk it through if you get his book or at least check out the advice that appears under this show in the web homepage it will be far more usefull than anything I can give you. If you have an otherwise good relationship it will only improve when you iron out this issue.
Posted by: elbylee
Posted on: 2003-10-14 18:53:07
Hi there, I know where you are coming from I have been married for 12 years and my husband was and sometimes is very similar. This is his major quirk, and he doesn't mean that we are not as important as he is, he just isn't as thoughtfull as I am. If he wants it he knows how important it is to him and how/when he wants it. Does he know how important the things you and the kids want are to you, or when you want them done. I don't know your specific situation, but I find if I say honey I can't take down the Christmas lights myself and it really bugs me to have them up there in July could you please take them down this weekend. He will take them down this weekend. If I say hey would ya look at those Christmas lights he thinks it is a compliment on how well he put them up. Take Dr. Phil's advice and talk it through if you get his book or at least check out the advice that appears under this show in the web homepage it will be far more usefull than anything I can give you. If you have an otherwise good relationship it will only improve when you iron out this issue.
Communication...
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 19:44:55
Hello elbylee, your view on my situation is very eye opening! I've never looked at it as he "isn't as thoughtful". Maybe it's my own insecurities...yikes!...that's a whole new show:) I guess I need to find a good time to talk with him. He probably has no idea that I feel as if I'm not important to him. I'm also starting to remember that talking and sharing issues, will make a good relationship even better! Thanks for the tips!
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-14 19:44:55
Hello elbylee, your view on my situation is very eye opening! I've never looked at it as he "isn't as thoughtful". Maybe it's my own insecurities...yikes!...that's a whole new show:) I guess I need to find a good time to talk with him. He probably has no idea that I feel as if I'm not important to him. I'm also starting to remember that talking and sharing issues, will make a good relationship even better! Thanks for the tips!
Posted by: mstone77
Posted on: 2003-10-14 21:21:11
i don't think that you should give up without first really trying to clear up this issue between the two of you. just like ramair said all guys can be like that some of the time. on the other hand so can all women. it is just human nature to think of your wants and needs before others. you need to wait until everything is quiet and calm and it is just the two of you. don't raise your voice or sound accusing. my husband always responds better when i tell him how i feel and not how he makes me feel. also, i think it is a good thing that you are nervous about jumping into marriage. it is a very serious thing and the fact that you are nervous just shows that you respect marriage and take it very seriously. the best thing that you can do is to keep your childrens best interest and yours at heart. but don't give up on a good relationship just because you have a problem.
Getting it right this time!
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-15 09:05:11
Hi msstone77. I do take marriage seriously! It is something I didn't get right the first time, so I'm making sure this time is FOREVER!!! I appreciate the encouragement, and I will take heed to all of the great advise I have received!! Thanks!
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-10-15 09:05:11
Hi msstone77. I do take marriage seriously! It is something I didn't get right the first time, so I'm making sure this time is FOREVER!!! I appreciate the encouragement, and I will take heed to all of the great advise I have received!! Thanks!
