03/11 Family Freeloaders
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Posted by: saturn63
Posted on: 2003-10-29 10:29:35
Dr. Phil,
First I applaud Jennifer in her raising 7 children, but I can understand Justine's concern for her younger siblings in relation to her mother's lifestyle. Justine feels her mother is setting a bad example for the reality of living life. Jennifer's children may grow up thinking life is the way they are living it now and NOT that it's their mother's life they are living through. Jennifer is the one receiving child support and providing her children with expensive things. Those children may grow up believing that is they way they can expect to live when rather that is the way their mother is providing for them.
When they grow up they may find it confusing and wonder why they have to work so hard so gain a life of once they were accustomed. And yes this may be what Justine went through and that is exactly her point - she doesn't want her sisters and brothers thinking they have it made. It is only temporary. When they grow up and leave the home, they will have to provide for themselves and not expect things to be provided for them.
They need to understand, the way they are living is they way their mother chooses to live. And that life later will be different for them.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Posted by: saturn63
Posted on: 2003-10-29 10:29:35
Dr. Phil,
First I applaud Jennifer in her raising 7 children, but I can understand Justine's concern for her younger siblings in relation to her mother's lifestyle. Justine feels her mother is setting a bad example for the reality of living life. Jennifer's children may grow up thinking life is the way they are living it now and NOT that it's their mother's life they are living through. Jennifer is the one receiving child support and providing her children with expensive things. Those children may grow up believing that is they way they can expect to live when rather that is the way their mother is providing for them.
When they grow up they may find it confusing and wonder why they have to work so hard so gain a life of once they were accustomed. And yes this may be what Justine went through and that is exactly her point - she doesn't want her sisters and brothers thinking they have it made. It is only temporary. When they grow up and leave the home, they will have to provide for themselves and not expect things to be provided for them.
They need to understand, the way they are living is they way their mother chooses to live. And that life later will be different for them.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Posted by: chelyha55
Posted on: 2003-10-29 19:20:24
I identified with Justine on this. It hit a hot spot in me when Dr Phil told Justine to find something to do and to be happy for her mom. I have a really hard time with people who get everything handed to them, and it makes even more angry when someone who HAS it all (like Dr Phil) tells someone who is struggling to get over it. So Justine, if you read this, I hear ya sistah!
see the future . . .
Posted by: katgre
Posted on: 2003-10-30 13:16:18
I agree with this person. I also think that this mother may be back as a guest on the show a few years from now when all of these kids turn into mooching-freeloading adults and won't move out because they cannot accept living a life any less extravagant.
Posted by: katgre
Posted on: 2003-10-30 13:16:18
I agree with this person. I also think that this mother may be back as a guest on the show a few years from now when all of these kids turn into mooching-freeloading adults and won't move out because they cannot accept living a life any less extravagant.
Freeloaders
Posted by: curlymouse
Posted on: 2003-10-29 13:09:29
My husband, who is an able bodied Man, but has a alcohol problem. Had been somewhat of a free loader and after many years of frustration, anger, hurt, and no understanding on how a person can be this way. I finally learned that people will treat you that way if you let them. I gained self confidence and set boundaries, that If you are not working out side the home, then there is plenty of things that need doing around the house. I told my husband that if I have to work 40 hrs a week to pay for our living, then I expected him to take care of our home. If he got a job, then we would share the responsibility. Once he reneged on our deal, then he can go live somewhere else. After months of binges, he moved out. Once he left, I realized that I was enabling his drinking and that I had to concentrate on myself and our son, and that he would have to face the consequences of his life choices. Things happen for a reason, and I pray that I learned each life lesson as I face it. Even though he is living else where, we still talk, but I am refusing to have him come home, until he gets treatment and his sober for a least a year. I am not holding my breath. I love him, but most important, I love him enough to let him go.
Posted by: curlymouse
Posted on: 2003-10-29 13:09:29
My husband, who is an able bodied Man, but has a alcohol problem. Had been somewhat of a free loader and after many years of frustration, anger, hurt, and no understanding on how a person can be this way. I finally learned that people will treat you that way if you let them. I gained self confidence and set boundaries, that If you are not working out side the home, then there is plenty of things that need doing around the house. I told my husband that if I have to work 40 hrs a week to pay for our living, then I expected him to take care of our home. If he got a job, then we would share the responsibility. Once he reneged on our deal, then he can go live somewhere else. After months of binges, he moved out. Once he left, I realized that I was enabling his drinking and that I had to concentrate on myself and our son, and that he would have to face the consequences of his life choices. Things happen for a reason, and I pray that I learned each life lesson as I face it. Even though he is living else where, we still talk, but I am refusing to have him come home, until he gets treatment and his sober for a least a year. I am not holding my breath. I love him, but most important, I love him enough to let him go.
Strong Spouse
Posted by: bluefrog8
Posted on: 2003-10-29 14:01:08
I just wanted to say that you are a very strong person to do that for not only you, but your son as well. A lot of people think that they need to keep their unworthy spouse around for their kids' sake, but they don't realize that their kids are learning the wrong behavior. Some follow in their footsteps, and others do harm to themselves in other ways later in life. I wish more people like you were around! I think this world would be a better place. I hope your husband does get help so that he and his son can have the relationship that they should have. Maybe some day he'll see that. Keep strong for your son's sake!
Posted by: bluefrog8
Posted on: 2003-10-29 14:01:08
I just wanted to say that you are a very strong person to do that for not only you, but your son as well. A lot of people think that they need to keep their unworthy spouse around for their kids' sake, but they don't realize that their kids are learning the wrong behavior. Some follow in their footsteps, and others do harm to themselves in other ways later in life. I wish more people like you were around! I think this world would be a better place. I hope your husband does get help so that he and his son can have the relationship that they should have. Maybe some day he'll see that. Keep strong for your son's sake!
curlymouse
Posted by: sasbud
Posted on: 2003-10-29 18:25:08
Good for you! I grew up in an alcoholic family so know what you're talking about when you say you were enabling your husband. I, too, applaud you for being strong enough and loving yourself, your son, and your husband enough to do what you are doing. You can't change your husband - you can only change yourself. Hopefully, this will be the "wake-up" call he needs to inspire him to quit drinking but if not, you are doing what you need to do. Might I add that even if your husband does succeed in being sober for a year and you decide to take him back, I'd recomment that all of you get counselling to learn about the dysfunctional lifestyle of alcoholism - the behavior does not stop with the drinking. There's a book called "Adult Children of Alchoholics" that would be very informational about the roles that people play. I've had to have fairly extensive therapy to learn the unhealthy behavioral patterns I'd been using are causing me my pain. I've had to learn to love myself before I could love anyone else - just for starters. Anyway - good luck to you and kudos for what you've already done! You're a smart person and a strong woman and you're doing the right thing. God Bless.
Posted by: sasbud
Posted on: 2003-10-29 18:25:08
Good for you! I grew up in an alcoholic family so know what you're talking about when you say you were enabling your husband. I, too, applaud you for being strong enough and loving yourself, your son, and your husband enough to do what you are doing. You can't change your husband - you can only change yourself. Hopefully, this will be the "wake-up" call he needs to inspire him to quit drinking but if not, you are doing what you need to do. Might I add that even if your husband does succeed in being sober for a year and you decide to take him back, I'd recomment that all of you get counselling to learn about the dysfunctional lifestyle of alcoholism - the behavior does not stop with the drinking. There's a book called "Adult Children of Alchoholics" that would be very informational about the roles that people play. I've had to have fairly extensive therapy to learn the unhealthy behavioral patterns I'd been using are causing me my pain. I've had to learn to love myself before I could love anyone else - just for starters. Anyway - good luck to you and kudos for what you've already done! You're a smart person and a strong woman and you're doing the right thing. God Bless.
Smart Lady
Posted by: dbailey19
Posted on: 2003-11-06 17:14:32
That's really smart for you to realize this. It takes extreme strength also to be willing to live alone and let go. I am an alcoholic, sober for 6 years and sometimes this is the kind of thing it takes for someone to start making better choices. You really did your husband a favor. Although I'm probably once again in a situation that has my parents feeling like I am the freeloader, at least I am sober and try to help out and not cause additional problems to what is already the problem of me having to move back in with them.
Posted by: dbailey19
Posted on: 2003-11-06 17:14:32
That's really smart for you to realize this. It takes extreme strength also to be willing to live alone and let go. I am an alcoholic, sober for 6 years and sometimes this is the kind of thing it takes for someone to start making better choices. You really did your husband a favor. Although I'm probably once again in a situation that has my parents feeling like I am the freeloader, at least I am sober and try to help out and not cause additional problems to what is already the problem of me having to move back in with them.
Hooray,Curlymouse!
Posted by: morelandal
Posted on: 2004-03-12 09:30:13
I applaud you. Your story is one of courage and strength. I know you love your husband and would prefer that he be with you and your son However, The stand you have chosen to take with your husband will only help him , your son, and yourself. It took a great deal of courage to do this. I believe your actions will positively effect your son who naturally is looking at your example. I think the action you took are great steps toward breaking the cycle of alcohol abuse and its effect in your family. The love your have for your son and you husband is clearly seen in your actions. You are a wonderful example for all in such situtions. Your show we all have the ability to empower ourselves.
A public admirer
Adraine
Posted by: morelandal
Posted on: 2004-03-12 09:30:13
I applaud you. Your story is one of courage and strength. I know you love your husband and would prefer that he be with you and your son However, The stand you have chosen to take with your husband will only help him , your son, and yourself. It took a great deal of courage to do this. I believe your actions will positively effect your son who naturally is looking at your example. I think the action you took are great steps toward breaking the cycle of alcohol abuse and its effect in your family. The love your have for your son and you husband is clearly seen in your actions. You are a wonderful example for all in such situtions. Your show we all have the ability to empower ourselves.
A public admirer
Adraine
well, duh
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2003-10-29 13:40:22
Jeremy's 28, never had a girlfriend, and is still a virgin. Unless he gets off his butt and gets a job, he's going to die a virgin.
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2003-10-29 13:40:22
Jeremy's 28, never had a girlfriend, and is still a virgin. Unless he gets off his butt and gets a job, he's going to die a virgin.
AMEN!
Posted by: jahayes72
Posted on: 2003-10-29 16:40:08
I agree with your message and had some strong words of my own for this clown. I know that, after my life experiences prior to moving back home, I would NOT date a man who didn't take care of his own responsibilities. Even if he lived at home for some reason (we all have situations that may cause us to move back to our parents for a brief time), he better have a job and pay rent to his folks!
Posted by: jahayes72
Posted on: 2003-10-29 16:40:08
I agree with your message and had some strong words of my own for this clown. I know that, after my life experiences prior to moving back home, I would NOT date a man who didn't take care of his own responsibilities. Even if he lived at home for some reason (we all have situations that may cause us to move back to our parents for a brief time), he better have a job and pay rent to his folks!
Posted by: imrunnin1
Posted on: 2003-10-29 16:47:28
I definately agree jeremy's going to die a virgin if he doesn't get a life. i'm 24, i graduated from college a year and a half ago with a degree in computer science. yeah the market is tough, but i work as a waitress earning $2.00 an hour plus tips, i've bought a new car and constantly am looking for a computer job. i do live with my parents, but i work my tail off waitressing and putting up with crap from customers and paying my bills until i get my dream job. he needs to wake up and take a crap job in the meantime otherwise he'll never leave the house.
dah
Posted by: fire_01
Posted on: 2004-03-12 09:28:38
you hit the nail on the head my friend! I so wanted to reach into my tv and slap his face and kick his butt!!!!
Posted by: fire_01
Posted on: 2004-03-12 09:28:38
you hit the nail on the head my friend! I so wanted to reach into my tv and slap his face and kick his butt!!!!
Derek is not lazy! Dr. Phil missed it this time.
Posted by: lkjbon
Posted on: 2003-10-29 13:59:46
I usually agree with the strong advice Dr. Phil gives his guests, but today I found myself infuriated, as well as really wishing I could reach out to Derek and his sister in some way. For all intents and purposes, Chantelle is Derek's mother figure, and I am a mother in a similar position. But my son is only thirteen. My son is also challenged by an autism spectrum disorder, NLD (Nonverbal Learning Disorder), which little is known about. In addition to NLD, my guy has secondary ADD and OCD. Like Derek, he is well spoken, and just as sweet, sincere, honest and trusting as can be. His interests are very narrow and very few. He loves his family, and his life revolves around us. He has no friends in his peer group, poor social skills, and still needs help with simple tasks that even my six-year old has mastered. Chiding, lists, counseling and such have been of little help. He burns things, spills, leaves things out and open, forgets what he's been told within a few seconds time. At 13, he still can't ride a bike, has difficulty tying shoes, finding his way around school, getting the punchline of jokes. He's often oblivious to the world around him, and describes himself as feeling like "an island in a sea of sharks," or "a stranger in a land where everyone but [him] knows the language and share a secret code." I wouldn't go as far as to say the young man on today's show has NLD, but I would bet my bottom dollar that there's ADD or a mild autism spectrum disorder there.
Posted by: lkjbon
Posted on: 2003-10-29 13:59:46
I usually agree with the strong advice Dr. Phil gives his guests, but today I found myself infuriated, as well as really wishing I could reach out to Derek and his sister in some way. For all intents and purposes, Chantelle is Derek's mother figure, and I am a mother in a similar position. But my son is only thirteen. My son is also challenged by an autism spectrum disorder, NLD (Nonverbal Learning Disorder), which little is known about. In addition to NLD, my guy has secondary ADD and OCD. Like Derek, he is well spoken, and just as sweet, sincere, honest and trusting as can be. His interests are very narrow and very few. He loves his family, and his life revolves around us. He has no friends in his peer group, poor social skills, and still needs help with simple tasks that even my six-year old has mastered. Chiding, lists, counseling and such have been of little help. He burns things, spills, leaves things out and open, forgets what he's been told within a few seconds time. At 13, he still can't ride a bike, has difficulty tying shoes, finding his way around school, getting the punchline of jokes. He's often oblivious to the world around him, and describes himself as feeling like "an island in a sea of sharks," or "a stranger in a land where everyone but [him] knows the language and share a secret code." I wouldn't go as far as to say the young man on today's show has NLD, but I would bet my bottom dollar that there's ADD or a mild autism spectrum disorder there.
I have to agree with you
Posted by: lne216
Posted on: 2003-10-29 14:21:57
I do believe Dr. Phil missed it big time with this young man. I am sure this young man is still suffering depression from loosing his mother at age 15. I was also shocked that Dr. Phil told him to begin to move on again. He is obviously suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on the death of his mother. His emotional side stopped growing when she died. He, as a psychologist, should have seen this. This man needs counseling to help him move on. Not just told to do so. His is either very depressed or as you said, has ADD and has a big problem with concentration.
Posted by: lne216
Posted on: 2003-10-29 14:21:57
I do believe Dr. Phil missed it big time with this young man. I am sure this young man is still suffering depression from loosing his mother at age 15. I was also shocked that Dr. Phil told him to begin to move on again. He is obviously suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on the death of his mother. His emotional side stopped growing when she died. He, as a psychologist, should have seen this. This man needs counseling to help him move on. Not just told to do so. His is either very depressed or as you said, has ADD and has a big problem with concentration.
Thank You!!
Posted by: sobedesign
Posted on: 2003-10-29 15:49:00
Dr. Phil completely missed the mark- the behaviors seemed to so clearly be symtomatic of ADD!!! Any psychologist with half a brain should have picked up on it-especially when it was revealed how helpful a list is. Poor kids need an ADD coach, so they can leave notes on the doors to feed the pets and othert useful strategies.
Posted by: sobedesign
Posted on: 2003-10-29 15:49:00
Dr. Phil completely missed the mark- the behaviors seemed to so clearly be symtomatic of ADD!!! Any psychologist with half a brain should have picked up on it-especially when it was revealed how helpful a list is. Poor kids need an ADD coach, so they can leave notes on the doors to feed the pets and othert useful strategies.
I agree w/you
Posted by: rdo801
Posted on: 2003-10-29 19:12:35
He missed the boat on this one. This boy is definately ADD. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who saw it.
Posted by: rdo801
Posted on: 2003-10-29 19:12:35
He missed the boat on this one. This boy is definately ADD. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who saw it.
I agree, also
Posted by: pattikd
Posted on: 2003-10-30 00:34:06
My heart also went out to this sister and brother. I think they are both wonderful people and Dr. Phil missed how much more they both needed than to be told to, "Grow up", so to speak. They both had bigger issues. The girl knew that her brother was not able to do this on his own. That is why she is still checking up every day. I believe that the boy is definitley depressed, and my thought was also that he seemed more like the 15 year old he was when his mom died. I didn't think of ADD, but I have not had close contact with severe ADD.
I was extremely surprised that Dr. Phil didn't go beyond 'getting out'.
Posted by: pattikd
Posted on: 2003-10-30 00:34:06
My heart also went out to this sister and brother. I think they are both wonderful people and Dr. Phil missed how much more they both needed than to be told to, "Grow up", so to speak. They both had bigger issues. The girl knew that her brother was not able to do this on his own. That is why she is still checking up every day. I believe that the boy is definitley depressed, and my thought was also that he seemed more like the 15 year old he was when his mom died. I didn't think of ADD, but I have not had close contact with severe ADD.
I was extremely surprised that Dr. Phil didn't go beyond 'getting out'.
Is this an excuse?
Posted by: mari_zoea
Posted on: 2003-10-30 13:14:20
I think everybody is missing the point here. Whether someone has ADD or not they can be very productive human beings. This does not excuse them from not making an attempt to live on your own and make ends meet. My brother, who just turned 26, had to learn all of this. We lost our mother when I was 20 and he was 17 and then he basically just wanted my father to take care of him. My father, who was an alcoholic and not a very good positive role model didn't teach my brother any life skills, since both of my parents really sheltered him because he has ADD. My father passed away two years ago and left my brother with nothing. My brother moved in with my aunt and first was just working at a fast food place and just not really getting the whole,"Well, if I kept this job would I be able to make ends meet if I lived on my own?" He lost his job and for three months he just kind of piddled around at my aunts house, not really doing anything, but then my brother surprised us all and he got a job at a convalescent home, where they were offering classes to be a certified nurses assistant(where I was working as well, but have since left, since the birth of my second daughter five months ago). He took the class and has been doing very well in his job and is working and looking into getting his nursing license. I kept my distance and let him do this on his own and just gave him the support he needed and he has done very well. He has not let his ADD be a problem for him and for tha
Posted by: mari_zoea
Posted on: 2003-10-30 13:14:20
I think everybody is missing the point here. Whether someone has ADD or not they can be very productive human beings. This does not excuse them from not making an attempt to live on your own and make ends meet. My brother, who just turned 26, had to learn all of this. We lost our mother when I was 20 and he was 17 and then he basically just wanted my father to take care of him. My father, who was an alcoholic and not a very good positive role model didn't teach my brother any life skills, since both of my parents really sheltered him because he has ADD. My father passed away two years ago and left my brother with nothing. My brother moved in with my aunt and first was just working at a fast food place and just not really getting the whole,"Well, if I kept this job would I be able to make ends meet if I lived on my own?" He lost his job and for three months he just kind of piddled around at my aunts house, not really doing anything, but then my brother surprised us all and he got a job at a convalescent home, where they were offering classes to be a certified nurses assistant(where I was working as well, but have since left, since the birth of my second daughter five months ago). He took the class and has been doing very well in his job and is working and looking into getting his nursing license. I kept my distance and let him do this on his own and just gave him the support he needed and he has done very well. He has not let his ADD be a problem for him and for tha
No excuses neccessary
Posted by: rdo801
Posted on: 2003-10-30 13:27:22
I don't think it needs to be an excuse by any means. You are right ADD adults can live productive, self suffiecient lives. BUT the problem here to me was the lable of irresponsible and lazy. Wasn't the whole segment they had titled "lazy brother"? That is the tragedy to me. A diagnosis of ADD insn't your free ride in life, it just means you need to re learn how to manage things so that you can be productive.
Posted by: rdo801
Posted on: 2003-10-30 13:27:22
I don't think it needs to be an excuse by any means. You are right ADD adults can live productive, self suffiecient lives. BUT the problem here to me was the lable of irresponsible and lazy. Wasn't the whole segment they had titled "lazy brother"? That is the tragedy to me. A diagnosis of ADD insn't your free ride in life, it just means you need to re learn how to manage things so that you can be productive.
Not seeing the whole picture
Posted by: mari_zoea
Posted on: 2003-10-31 19:17:41
The segment labeled the "lazy brother" were words that the sister associated with her brother since she felt she was doing the majority of...well, everything. People with ADD are capable of being irresponsible and lazy just like anybody else. And yes they have to relearn how to manage thing, but I think we're missing the whole point here. Due to losses, ADD, or whatever may be the case, we have to be accountable for ourselves. I think that's basically what the show was about. Being held accountable and contributing something to the world rather than settling in a world where everything is done for you. People with ADD have a harder road to travel, but like in my brother's case, I am extremely proud of the things he has accomplished on his own, so I guess we'll agree to disagree on what the show was really about and what we saw, but I do see your point, but I think the real tragedy that has been gong on lately is that people who suffer with ADD are led on a road to not take accountability because a lot of people think & feel they are lazy & irresponsible.
Posted by: mari_zoea
Posted on: 2003-10-31 19:17:41
The segment labeled the "lazy brother" were words that the sister associated with her brother since she felt she was doing the majority of...well, everything. People with ADD are capable of being irresponsible and lazy just like anybody else. And yes they have to relearn how to manage thing, but I think we're missing the whole point here. Due to losses, ADD, or whatever may be the case, we have to be accountable for ourselves. I think that's basically what the show was about. Being held accountable and contributing something to the world rather than settling in a world where everything is done for you. People with ADD have a harder road to travel, but like in my brother's case, I am extremely proud of the things he has accomplished on his own, so I guess we'll agree to disagree on what the show was really about and what we saw, but I do see your point, but I think the real tragedy that has been gong on lately is that people who suffer with ADD are led on a road to not take accountability because a lot of people think & feel they are lazy & irresponsible.
