03/18 Adjusting to Parenthood

Parenthood
Posted by: mom2kaykim
Posted on: 2004-01-14 10:26:03

If you do not go into parenthood with an open mind, things are going to be hard. You have to realize that things are GOING to change. You have less time for yourself, for your spouse, for leisure activities, for sleep! It all comes with parenthood. If you do not want that to change, then DO NOT have children. Why make the child suffer because of your selfishness or your unwilingness to accept the fact that there is someone relying on you 24/7? I was only 21 when I had my first clild, and I was prepared to accept the fact that there was not going to be partying til the wee hours every weekend anymore, there was not going to be anymore "lets go see a movie" at the drop of a hat, among many other things! I made the decision that I was going to be a mother, and my husband made the decision that he was going to be a father. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Mind you, we do without alot of the time, bills and food and things for the kids are FIRST! I can work when my kids are grown, there will be plenty of time for that. They come FIRST, ALWAYS!
parenthood
Posted by: kama099
Posted on: 2004-01-14 10:44:44

I agree that it takes BOTH parents to raise a child!! I am VERY fortunate that I have a husband who takes this role seriously! I am a stay at home mom, and my husband works 50-60 hours per week, yet, he still does his fair share. True, being the one at home, I do most of the child care, however, he always picks up the slack when he gets home! I am sent away on a couple trips per year with friends or family because he realizes that if I'm not happy and healthy and rested, all of this is going to fall apart!! My kids are well adjusted and absolutely love spending time with their dad. My husband and I also make time for ourselves separately and together. It takes LOTS of work and sacrifice on both parts, but, we went into this knowing that. For the dads that think that they have nothing to contribute or don't know where they fit in, just jump in!!! Most of us moms don't really care how you help, JUST HELP!!! We know that you will probably do everything different that we do, but, we'll get over it!! My husband had some issues with that in the beginning, but, I realized that how he does things is less important than my getting a break!! Besides, it's pretty hard to screw up changing a diaper or feeding the kids!! Us moms don't always do it just right either! We tend to wing things more than ya know!!! Your kids are too important to not be there for them AND their mom!!! Moms and dads are a team in raising kids.....it's a TOUGH game, but, if you both give, you can o
kama099
Posted by: mom2kaykim
Posted on: 2004-01-14 14:45:20

AMEN! My husband works alot, too. But, guess what? He does his fair share, too. He KNOWS it is not easy being a mom, or a parent for that matter! When my oldest was a baby, he'd never think twice about picking her up if she needed to be held, or change a diaper, or give her a bath. He was a little nervous at first, but I showed him how to hold her, and he got the hang of it. No one is a "pro" at being a parent, it is all live and learn, but you are responsible to that child, no matter if you are a man or a woman! You helped, in one way or another, to bring that child into this world, so you need to BOTH take responsibility for it. As for the dad who said I work all day, I am tired. Well, if I am not mistaken, your wife works outside of the home, too. Do you not think maybe SHE is tired? She comes home and does MORE work, on top of a regular job. She doesn't get to sit on her duff after putting in 8 hours. HELP HER before she dumps you!
ACCEPT NOTHING BUT THE BEST
Posted by: karenkrysh
Posted on: 2004-01-14 21:19:25

GIVE ME A BREAK,THESE MEN WE SAW TODAY I'M SORRY TO SAY ARE "lazy,lazy,lazy' IF YOU HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE THEN THIS COMMITMENT CAN BE SO REWARDING BOTH EARLY ON AND ALSO LATER IN LIFE. PLEASE MAKE SURE BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED THAT YOU HAVE THESE DISSCUSIONS AND ASK HIM DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BE THE BEST FATHER TO OUR CHILDREN THAT ANSWER SHOULD BE THE VERY BEST
Not Lazy, Just Not Intuitive
Posted by: dur372
Posted on: 2004-01-19 18:24:24

I can relate to the dad who said he didn't know where to "jump" in. When my husband and I had our first child, we argued non-stop. He worked all day and I took care of the baby all day. When he came home, he would hold him but not do much else. The baby would be up ALL night and I was the only one who got up because he had to work the next day. Our relationship suffered. When I had our second child, I got smart. I told him that this was a 50/50 relationship and that included in the child rearing section. He told me he didn't know when to help and when not to. I solved this by making a list of everything that needed to be done every night. This included dishes, dinner, laundry, bathing the baby, feeding the baby, playing with the baby etc... He took half of the list and I took the other half. This made our life sooo much easier. Simply having his help made me much happier. Sometimes men do need to be told what to do. I'm not sure if they have the foresight to see what needs to be done. While this is annoying, simply telling them is much easier than brooding and arguing about it.
I thought I had nothing but the best
Posted by: maggieis1
Posted on: 2004-03-18 14:28:02

I agree with your message. My husband and I were engaged for 23 months. I said to everyone I know, that I would never get married. I pulled every test on my husband that I could think of. He passed every test. Now, I have a 4 year old, and a 5 year old. I stay at home and work part-time. My husband tries, but he's lazy, lazy, LAZY ! Now he needs time to him self, and wants to move out on April 1st. I swore to myself this would never happen, but it did. I think that he's being selfish and if he leaves my life will be so much worse than before, but atleast I know he loves the kids.
Me too
Posted by: hurting21
Posted on: 2004-03-18 17:11:09

I though that I had a good husband until we had children. Now the kids are 5 and 7, he feels trapped, he doesn't like having a schedule, but sorry kids have schedules. He never changed a diaper, gave a bottle or got up at night. It the woman job. When I asked him to help me with the kids, he would say that he had a job, and that he was tire. I was so afraid that he would leave me (this was 7 years ago) that I shut up and did everything, on top of working full time, until 2 years ago, when I had a depression because I couldn't handle it, and I told him he needed to help me, well he tried for 2 years but he was grumpy and unhappy. He had the provider attitude. He brings in the money (althought I work it didn't count), and that was his job. We separated last January and although it's hard, it is better this way, I was taken advantage of and It had to stop. I tried for 2 years but nothing worked, he would not understand. I can say that I'm better off, althought it's not what I wished for but It is for the best.
I tried
Posted by: mothanuno
Posted on: 2004-03-18 19:10:57

I watched the show today and it was like seeing a mirror of my marriage. My husband and I discussed children early on and decided early on to start a family. Our family did not come easy and we eventually decided to quit trying. Thus comes our daughter. She's going on 5 and to this day she only knows him as the disciplinarian. Its sad. I tried to get him to watch the show and he starting yelling that its never enough with women. I have no idea what to do now that I know he has no intentions of changing. When our daughter was born sick , I wasn't allowed to see her for three days. He video taped her and talked to her and stayed with her and connected with her. Once she was home , its like he handed her over and said " there ! you do it ! " and I have..We work from home and I asked him to watch her today so she wouldn't be babysat by tv and he responded " so now I'm being demoted to babysitter?" Hello he's a dad and doesn't know it ...Frustration...Any Advice besides divorce ?

Posted by: bfamx3
Posted on: 2004-03-19 08:25:47

I understand your frustration. I was married for 9 years to a man that I thought loved me. It should have been a sign to me (before children) that he was selfish and only cared for himself. He didn't do anything for me or with me. Once we had children I thought he would change. It didn't. I always seemed to make excuses for him being the "absent parent" to my family and his. He worked alot of hours on his job and then would meet his friends after work at various places. The children would be in bed when he got home and he'd leave in the morning before they got up. This was acceptable to him. I look back now and I don't remember him EVER changing a diaper or bathing either one of my children. I don't doubt his love for them, I doubt his poor judgement in parenting and being a husband. I am now divorced. I realized that I was a single parent in my marriage so I made it legal.

Posted by: wendyb72
Posted on: 2004-03-19 21:02:43

I totally relate to you. Before my husband and I married he seemed like he'd be a great father. While I was pregnant with our first he cooked, cleaned, did the laundry. Even in the hospital, he snuggled with our first child, seemed loving etc. We got home and he did NOTHING! Our second came along, NOTHING! Never came to visit her in the hospital when she had pneumonia. I always planned on being home with the kids, or part time work. He had a problem with that, no matter what job I had none was good enough but he didn't want me home either. Any time I even ask him to stay with the kids so I can go to the dr or grocery shopping anything-he says I am not the babysitter. Hello-they are YOUR kids, you are not babysitting. He feels since I stay home with the kids and I babysit my two nephews that I do nothing. Weekends he lays around and does nothing and says, "I worked all week, I can lay around." Guess what buddy I worked all week too, even more than you. He doesn't understand taking care of the house and kids IS WORK! Sometimes I just say you got the kids I am out of here. It is ridiculous a mother can't even go out. I am not even talking about out partying or visiting friends, he expects me to take them to the gyn, dr for bloodwork, grocery store. Does he even know how horrible it is taking kids to the grocery store? I don't know of any other thing to do except divorce or just leave and get an ear full when you get home and blow it off.
REPLY TO WENDYB
Posted by: suslev56
Posted on: 2004-03-20 16:00:54

>>Before my husband and I married he seemed like he'd be a great father. wendyb72 <<

Unfortunately, as you found out the hard way, "seeming like a great father" and BEING a great father are two different things. Did you ask him what his thoughts on fatherhood were? Did you talk about his ideas on who should take care of the baby(ies) once they arrived? A lot of men say yes to fatherhood because they honestly believe that's what all women want to hear. But when you delve a little deeper, some men are not that crazy about the idea, especially if they think they have to do some of the "dirty work" of infant and child care themselves. It's the old "my mom did all the hard work and never complained, why can't you do that too?" No thanks. SusanL
wendyb YES!!
Posted by: mothanuno
Posted on: 2004-03-21 16:00:41

That is EXACTLY what I'm talking about ! Its driving me crazy . I told him a few times that he was just a sperm donar , maybe not the best words to say to the husband but dang he's not acting like he has anything to do with our lovely daughter's being here..I can't even work in another room or get a bath and ask HIM to care for HER ...He says he's been demoted to babysitting..yes again HELLO its YOUR kid !!
Mothanuno...You Need Some Counseling Support
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-03-20 00:03:19

I have great compassion for you with what's going on.
My guess is...you need to learn how to communicate (rather than confront) with an angry man who, from what you write, might possibly feel that your child has supplanted him. Don't discount it.

If indeed he's become a disciplinarian, it's probably because that's what he thinks a father's role is. Understand that the discipline is mostly about himself and fatherhood is frustrating for him. What was his childhood like? But make sure that you're not competing with him, as parenting goes.

Either way, you should seriously consider counseling (whether he goes or not) to learn how to communicate effectively without any undue confrontation. Somehow you (him too) need to discover what your commitments are to your marriage. That's absolutely crucial! It might be that you'll need to answer that for yourself first. What are you committed to?
Get some professional help. You can turn this around. Love & peace, Donny
Donny
Posted by: mothanuno
Posted on: 2004-03-21 16:00:53

Thankyou. We've tried couseling with a minister . The minister was playing an imaginary violin. He couldn't believe how negative and thoughtless my husband can be. I really don't know what else to do other than live my life , raise my child , and tune out his stupid days.
mothanuno
Posted by: alexandr28
Posted on: 2004-03-23 22:32:43

I agree. This sounds like my life about a year and a half ago. Before my son was born my husband and I had the model marriage. The kind of marriage we came home to and said, man I am glad we don't have that kind of marriage. Then we had our first son. Then my life sounded like everyone on this message board to a tea! My husband and I sought professional counciling, not through the church! Nothing again the church, It was just our problems needed more work than a church could provide. A year later we are getting so close to the old couple we were before our son was born. I do not depise him like I once did. Counciling is EXPENSIVE but it saved our marriage. Marriage is forever but 2 people have to willing to work at it. Keep your chin up and look for a resolution or it will not get better. It will only make you more angry. Good luck and you can do it
Tired of the Parents
Posted by: wcbued
Posted on: 2004-03-20 23:05:45

Who in the world even bothers to talk about these kinds of questions before they have sex. Thats why there are so many kids living with one parent. All the women carping about guys not doing their part need to remember they chose to have the baby, don't expect what u didnt ask for to start with. Before you have sex you better be sure you both know what it takes to be a parent and agree who will do what when.
Excuse me?
Posted by: reepslady
Posted on: 2004-03-21 10:49:01

Don't know where you took your sex education but it does require both sperm and an egg to make a baby. All too often fathers slack all the responsibility onto the mother, she shouldn't have to ASK him to take on his share. These fathers are quick enough to throw in how the kids are theirs too when it comes to visiting and rights after the seperation, but had they taken that seriously to begin with, they wouldn't have to fight about it. Funny how guys like this only care about the kids being theirs too when it's something they can use against the woman.
We don't expect perfection!
Posted by: jamiwilkes
Posted on: 2004-03-18 13:56:03

I agree with you, wives appreciate so much any kind of help and also the fact that it doesn't have to be perfect. I'll never forget the day when my husband and I had our first child, a baby girl. She was just a few weeks old, and being the good husband that he is, he agreed that it would be a good thing for me to get out of the house and enjoy some time to myself... just doing whatever I wanted. I wasn't gone too long, but when I came home, it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. He had changed her poopy diaper but I noticed that the tape on the diaper was done up on the back side. I laughed and asked him how he could possibly be so talented to do that. He didn't know any different and he said "I just lifted her bottom up and whipped those tapes into place (piece of cake). We still laugh about that one. I can always tell when he dresses my little girls and yes he will even attempt to fix their hair when I am not around. I LOVE IT! No it my not look what some would consider perfect, but to me it is perfect! We don't care how it is done, but the fact that you do try to jump in and help is wonderful. Try it, have fun with it. You will see a big difference in your wife's attitude and in the relationship with your children!
You are right Mom2K
Posted by: rene_1960
Posted on: 2004-03-18 18:38:33

You are right. There will always be excuses. They are simply LAZY-SELFISH men.

I have to say each and every time I watch the Dr. Phil show I truly realize how lucky I am to have the wonderful family I have. My husband gets extra kisses tonight. Thanks Dr. Phil

Posted by: tulshimom
Posted on: 2004-03-18 11:34:19

Could this possibly be Kama that I grew up with? That would be awesome since our mom's would have loved Dr Phil then!
Michelle E