09/21 O Magazine: More Sex
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Posted by: cpowers57
Posted on: 2004-09-19 15:28:26
I can't wait to see what Dr. Phil has to say to the women like myself who want BETTER and MORE sex from our mates. When we first got together about 5 years ago, we had a fun, spontaneous, 'let's try anything' attitude and making it like bunnies kind of sex life. Now after some life altering events, stress and relationship problems, our sex life for the last couple of years has been terrible! I still want sex but I also want it BETTER! He won't put forth the effort and it makes me feel like I am not worth it to him. He just turned 36 years old with no medical problems we know of, he says he just doesn't have the energy or desire like he used to. He also admitted that since I lost 60 lbs in the last 1 1/2 yrs, he is turned off by my flabby tummy and I am not physically appealing to him anymore. He says I am too much like 'one of the guys' since I burp and fart in my own home and that I don't dress as feminine as I used to. He isn't in that great of physical shape either and he burps and farts in his own house also! Why the double standards???
Posted by: cpowers57
Posted on: 2004-09-19 15:28:26
I can't wait to see what Dr. Phil has to say to the women like myself who want BETTER and MORE sex from our mates. When we first got together about 5 years ago, we had a fun, spontaneous, 'let's try anything' attitude and making it like bunnies kind of sex life. Now after some life altering events, stress and relationship problems, our sex life for the last couple of years has been terrible! I still want sex but I also want it BETTER! He won't put forth the effort and it makes me feel like I am not worth it to him. He just turned 36 years old with no medical problems we know of, he says he just doesn't have the energy or desire like he used to. He also admitted that since I lost 60 lbs in the last 1 1/2 yrs, he is turned off by my flabby tummy and I am not physically appealing to him anymore. He says I am too much like 'one of the guys' since I burp and fart in my own home and that I don't dress as feminine as I used to. He isn't in that great of physical shape either and he burps and farts in his own house also! Why the double standards???
Maybe try some small changes?
Posted by: paulmish
Posted on: 2004-09-20 08:49:54
Hi, I believe I can respond to your message. You mentioned that you think it is a double standard that your husband wants you to act and dress more feminine around the house? I don't think it is, it's simply what he likes and what turns him on. Most men like women to be feminine, it's a natural feeling for them, so why not accomodate him sometimes, and you will be more than rewarded! Personally, I would be grossed out if my husband starting wearing nail polish (just an example), and that's not a double standard, just what I like.I expect my husband to accomodate my feelings when possible, and in return I do the same. As far as your weight loss, the only solution (despite what some people think) is a tummy tuck. Ask your husband outright if he thinks you should both go through that. It might wake him up to the fact that it is not something you can control. Good Luck!
Posted by: paulmish
Posted on: 2004-09-20 08:49:54
Hi, I believe I can respond to your message. You mentioned that you think it is a double standard that your husband wants you to act and dress more feminine around the house? I don't think it is, it's simply what he likes and what turns him on. Most men like women to be feminine, it's a natural feeling for them, so why not accomodate him sometimes, and you will be more than rewarded! Personally, I would be grossed out if my husband starting wearing nail polish (just an example), and that's not a double standard, just what I like.I expect my husband to accomodate my feelings when possible, and in return I do the same. As far as your weight loss, the only solution (despite what some people think) is a tummy tuck. Ask your husband outright if he thinks you should both go through that. It might wake him up to the fact that it is not something you can control. Good Luck!
Wake Up, Ladies!
Posted by: chaudowin
Posted on: 2004-09-20 20:33:05
First, congratulations on your weight loss!! I can relate to your situation. But let me have my say please. I know we all have that pair of jogging pants purchased circa 1989 that should have been thrown out 12 years ago that we love to wear with the t-shirt purchased in '91. I am as guilty as the next. However, reflect on the early days of your relationship, you remember, when you had that "'let's try anything' attitude". If I were a gambler, I'd bet you rushed home from work, got shaved, primped and made up etc. burping or farting in front of him didn't occur to you, and you certainly wouldn't have worn your 1989/91 outfit. We want to be comfy, but we need to remember, he didn't fall in love with a slob, and we shouldn't become one and expect him to continue to treat us in the same way. (Splurge on some comfortable, yet attractive loungewear.) I'm perfectly aware he probably is a little balder/fatter/hairier/something than he was five years ago! I guess what I am trying to say is, if you don't show the effort, he won't.
Posted by: chaudowin
Posted on: 2004-09-20 20:33:05
First, congratulations on your weight loss!! I can relate to your situation. But let me have my say please. I know we all have that pair of jogging pants purchased circa 1989 that should have been thrown out 12 years ago that we love to wear with the t-shirt purchased in '91. I am as guilty as the next. However, reflect on the early days of your relationship, you remember, when you had that "'let's try anything' attitude". If I were a gambler, I'd bet you rushed home from work, got shaved, primped and made up etc. burping or farting in front of him didn't occur to you, and you certainly wouldn't have worn your 1989/91 outfit. We want to be comfy, but we need to remember, he didn't fall in love with a slob, and we shouldn't become one and expect him to continue to treat us in the same way. (Splurge on some comfortable, yet attractive loungewear.) I'm perfectly aware he probably is a little balder/fatter/hairier/something than he was five years ago! I guess what I am trying to say is, if you don't show the effort, he won't.
yes, it's part of good manners
Posted by: quilt1962
Posted on: 2004-09-21 09:37:23
Too often we save our best manners for the world and ignore our folks at home. He is saying what he doesn't like about the package, and being more polite about burps/farts is one thing you can change EASILY. So is chucking out some ratty old clothes.
One change from you can lead to changes in others. Regarding the belly flab, he may need to hear it from your doctor that only surgery can fix it. Bring him along.
Another thing you can try is a little time apart to get some pining going. Be a lot less available for awhile and then when you are together again, have plans for something like a nice dinner out where you are dressed up. Just a thought.
Regarding why you should not focus on the fact that he currently burps/farts--the answer is, because harping on this fact isn't getting you what you want, and addressing his concern just might.
Posted by: quilt1962
Posted on: 2004-09-21 09:37:23
Too often we save our best manners for the world and ignore our folks at home. He is saying what he doesn't like about the package, and being more polite about burps/farts is one thing you can change EASILY. So is chucking out some ratty old clothes.
One change from you can lead to changes in others. Regarding the belly flab, he may need to hear it from your doctor that only surgery can fix it. Bring him along.
Another thing you can try is a little time apart to get some pining going. Be a lot less available for awhile and then when you are together again, have plans for something like a nice dinner out where you are dressed up. Just a thought.
Regarding why you should not focus on the fact that he currently burps/farts--the answer is, because harping on this fact isn't getting you what you want, and addressing his concern just might.
MAKEI IT HAPPEN GIRL!!!
Posted by: tina2513
Posted on: 2004-09-21 08:53:25
hello..first of all you go girl for losing the weight..that is fantastic...however ill pull a dr phil here you get out what you put in altho i know we sometimes feel we have to put way to much in and get very little back and i totally agree with the other response find some area to make him take notice once or twice a week do your hair put on some makeup put on something comfy but sexy...even if it takes him time to adjust wont the rewards be worth it.You will feel much better about yourself and he will see and more than likely respond and if not then girl he just dont get it...send him to dr.phil.... GOOD LUCK!!!
Posted by: tina2513
Posted on: 2004-09-21 08:53:25
hello..first of all you go girl for losing the weight..that is fantastic...however ill pull a dr phil here you get out what you put in altho i know we sometimes feel we have to put way to much in and get very little back and i totally agree with the other response find some area to make him take notice once or twice a week do your hair put on some makeup put on something comfy but sexy...even if it takes him time to adjust wont the rewards be worth it.You will feel much better about yourself and he will see and more than likely respond and if not then girl he just dont get it...send him to dr.phil.... GOOD LUCK!!!
respect for yourself
Posted by: acorbitt
Posted on: 2004-09-21 09:37:23
Your husband says your "one of the guys" well duh sounds like you are one of the guys. Other than your weight lose what have you done to make yourself attractive to him. Fart and Burp? Come on, where does this behavior come from. I mean yes once in a while we all have "accidents" but I hope you don't intentionally fart and burp in front of your husband. Take it from someone who knows. My husband did this in my presence too and I let him know how I felt about it that I felt he showed me no respect in doing that. That it actually hurt my feelings for him to do this in my presence or our childrens and he has stopped. Please show some respect for yourself and he may in turn come around and be more of a loving husband when you do.
Posted by: acorbitt
Posted on: 2004-09-21 09:37:23
Your husband says your "one of the guys" well duh sounds like you are one of the guys. Other than your weight lose what have you done to make yourself attractive to him. Fart and Burp? Come on, where does this behavior come from. I mean yes once in a while we all have "accidents" but I hope you don't intentionally fart and burp in front of your husband. Take it from someone who knows. My husband did this in my presence too and I let him know how I felt about it that I felt he showed me no respect in doing that. That it actually hurt my feelings for him to do this in my presence or our childrens and he has stopped. Please show some respect for yourself and he may in turn come around and be more of a loving husband when you do.
Thanks!
Posted by: cpowers57
Posted on: 2004-09-21 10:34:59
You guys and gals gave me a different perspective and that is what I wanted. I was looking at the situation from MY perspective and not taking HIS in consideration. I have already begun some small changes and it is paying off! I guess we all can easily slip into bad habits and ruts. After the weight loss, it gave me the incentive to buy some new lingerie and I dug out some of my 'work' skirts (I was layed off 2 yrs ago)that I remembered he liked and wore one last night for a 'dinner date' and took extra pains with the 'date prep' like I did in the old days. He was so sweet. Last night we were able to sleep in the same bed and just reconnect emotionally and be comfortable in each other's company. (No sex but it was very comforting). Thanks so much!
Posted by: cpowers57
Posted on: 2004-09-21 10:34:59
You guys and gals gave me a different perspective and that is what I wanted. I was looking at the situation from MY perspective and not taking HIS in consideration. I have already begun some small changes and it is paying off! I guess we all can easily slip into bad habits and ruts. After the weight loss, it gave me the incentive to buy some new lingerie and I dug out some of my 'work' skirts (I was layed off 2 yrs ago)that I remembered he liked and wore one last night for a 'dinner date' and took extra pains with the 'date prep' like I did in the old days. He was so sweet. Last night we were able to sleep in the same bed and just reconnect emotionally and be comfortable in each other's company. (No sex but it was very comforting). Thanks so much!
Same Bed?
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-21 19:03:35
Hold up a minute...did you say "last night we were able to sleep in the same bed..."? Why are you guys not sleeping in the same bed at night?! That is so very important in my marriage, to cuddle and connect during the night, reaching out to just feel his chest rise and breathe...I can totally see where there could be distance growing if you don't share the same bed. If its a medical reason, I stand corrected, but otherwise, sleep together!!!
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-21 19:03:35
Hold up a minute...did you say "last night we were able to sleep in the same bed..."? Why are you guys not sleeping in the same bed at night?! That is so very important in my marriage, to cuddle and connect during the night, reaching out to just feel his chest rise and breathe...I can totally see where there could be distance growing if you don't share the same bed. If its a medical reason, I stand corrected, but otherwise, sleep together!!!
welllll...
Posted by: cpowers57
Posted on: 2004-09-21 20:24:53
I was feeling so frustrated with him and the lack of connection that I couldn't even bear to sleep beside him anymore. There is no lonelier feeling, to me, than laying inches from my man and feeling miles apart because I can't even touch him. I actually was waking up in the night resenting his very breathing in my ear. It just makes me too angry to be so close yet so far away.
Posted by: cpowers57
Posted on: 2004-09-21 20:24:53
I was feeling so frustrated with him and the lack of connection that I couldn't even bear to sleep beside him anymore. There is no lonelier feeling, to me, than laying inches from my man and feeling miles apart because I can't even touch him. I actually was waking up in the night resenting his very breathing in my ear. It just makes me too angry to be so close yet so far away.
i hear ya!
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-21 20:53:44
Honey, I've been there, I have. First husband, same deal. I slept on the sofa for 2 years before I finally left. (I don't advocate divorce, I truly don't.) But this time around, we have vowed not to sleep apart or allow it to ever get to that point again!
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-21 20:53:44
Honey, I've been there, I have. First husband, same deal. I slept on the sofa for 2 years before I finally left. (I don't advocate divorce, I truly don't.) But this time around, we have vowed not to sleep apart or allow it to ever get to that point again!
A Mans perspective.....
Posted by: stevephd
Posted on: 2004-09-21 22:32:31
Can anyone say "hyper-sensative"?
I feel you ladies are making too much of a small problem. Mountain out of a mole hill. Sex is great. So who really cares who intitiates? Maybe expectations are a bit out of ordinary due to all the oversexualiation in the media these days? Just relax & do it. Like my uncle told me long ago....."Don't argue with your wife.....dicker." ;~)
Remember....it takes two.
Posted by: stevephd
Posted on: 2004-09-21 22:32:31
Can anyone say "hyper-sensative"?
I feel you ladies are making too much of a small problem. Mountain out of a mole hill. Sex is great. So who really cares who intitiates? Maybe expectations are a bit out of ordinary due to all the oversexualiation in the media these days? Just relax & do it. Like my uncle told me long ago....."Don't argue with your wife.....dicker." ;~)
Remember....it takes two.
hit a nerve
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-22 09:26:03
Don't argue with your wife.....dicker." ;~)
That's exactly our point, they wouldn't!!! How can you "relax and do it" when they simply won't!
I spent 20 years being the sole initiater, I tried everything I knew to be creative, I lost weight, changed my hair, made myself over...I bought every book, every video, attended every conference on marriage...you name it, I did it. He was totally unresponsive to my bids for attention/affection. Never could tell me why. You can't help but take it personally when your spouse rejects you over and over, year after year. I assume that hasn't been your experience and you should consider yourself quite blessed.
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-22 09:26:03
Don't argue with your wife.....dicker." ;~)
That's exactly our point, they wouldn't!!! How can you "relax and do it" when they simply won't!
I spent 20 years being the sole initiater, I tried everything I knew to be creative, I lost weight, changed my hair, made myself over...I bought every book, every video, attended every conference on marriage...you name it, I did it. He was totally unresponsive to my bids for attention/affection. Never could tell me why. You can't help but take it personally when your spouse rejects you over and over, year after year. I assume that hasn't been your experience and you should consider yourself quite blessed.
Thought I would.....
Posted by: stevephd
Posted on: 2004-09-22 12:57:30
hit a nerve ---that is.
If you look closely you'll notice the tongue in cheek or wink I put after my comment (;~).....it was what my uncle told me long ago & it has paid off tenfold.
BTW...my wife is happy with sex once a month lately. That is not how it has been.....typically 3 times or more a week. We've both been molested as children, parents were alchoholics, divorced, she was date raped, had affair, bla, bla, bla...We got extensive counseling & work things out, notice I said work. To this day we work, every day. It's not easy but nothing of value is ever attained with ease.
Your husband sounds different. He may have serious sexual problems...I don't know. It's up to him & you to find out what's going on. I do understand how you could take it personnally, however, you shouldn't. Sex & desire start in the brain, that is why it's his brain that needs to be explored for the answers. He may not know why he thinks or feels the way he does, don't give up.
"How can you "relax and do it" when they simply won't! "...........Do you mean to tell me that if you went down on him & basically took it he'd refuse? If so, he has a serious issue. Perhaps his views of sex are warped for some or a number of reasons......find out.
Steve
Posted by: stevephd
Posted on: 2004-09-22 12:57:30
hit a nerve ---that is.
If you look closely you'll notice the tongue in cheek or wink I put after my comment (;~).....it was what my uncle told me long ago & it has paid off tenfold.
BTW...my wife is happy with sex once a month lately. That is not how it has been.....typically 3 times or more a week. We've both been molested as children, parents were alchoholics, divorced, she was date raped, had affair, bla, bla, bla...We got extensive counseling & work things out, notice I said work. To this day we work, every day. It's not easy but nothing of value is ever attained with ease.
Your husband sounds different. He may have serious sexual problems...I don't know. It's up to him & you to find out what's going on. I do understand how you could take it personnally, however, you shouldn't. Sex & desire start in the brain, that is why it's his brain that needs to be explored for the answers. He may not know why he thinks or feels the way he does, don't give up.
"How can you "relax and do it" when they simply won't! "...........Do you mean to tell me that if you went down on him & basically took it he'd refuse? If so, he has a serious issue. Perhaps his views of sex are warped for some or a number of reasons......find out.
Steve
thoughtful man;)
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-22 17:34:58
I understood your report of your uncle's sage advice as being tongue in cheek :)
The husband I was describing to you is now my ex. I am actually very happily re-married to a man who's my partner in every way. Any lack of sex these days is a result of total exhaustion on both our parts. A happy place to be ...
However, to answer your question about the ex and going down...oh, I've seen him go to sleep more times than I could count with a huge erection and absolutely no desire to do anything about it. I would ask him how in the world he could sleep with that thing and he's say, "easy". Are you getting a feel for my (former) frustration? Yes, it was very easy to take it all personally...and i could go on and on with more stories that I'm sure you don't want to hear, but that should give a clear indication of how things were between us, sexually at least.
btw...I'm curious as to what the PHd is in...
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-22 17:34:58
I understood your report of your uncle's sage advice as being tongue in cheek :)
The husband I was describing to you is now my ex. I am actually very happily re-married to a man who's my partner in every way. Any lack of sex these days is a result of total exhaustion on both our parts. A happy place to be ...
However, to answer your question about the ex and going down...oh, I've seen him go to sleep more times than I could count with a huge erection and absolutely no desire to do anything about it. I would ask him how in the world he could sleep with that thing and he's say, "easy". Are you getting a feel for my (former) frustration? Yes, it was very easy to take it all personally...and i could go on and on with more stories that I'm sure you don't want to hear, but that should give a clear indication of how things were between us, sexually at least.
btw...I'm curious as to what the PHd is in...
Sorry......
Posted by: stevephd
Posted on: 2004-09-22 20:08:14
Not sure where I missed the whole "ex" thing. Yes, you've cleared it up. I do understand the frustration.....unfortunately.
The phd are my initials. I went to the school of Hard Knocks. Got an education in life skills from living a very hard life. Majored in forgiveness & minored in peace. I have faced more trials than most 80 year olds. I'm much better off for it. I did study Psych in college. I have studied the human condition for 38 years.
Glad to hear you're happy these days,
Steve
Posted by: stevephd
Posted on: 2004-09-22 20:08:14
Not sure where I missed the whole "ex" thing. Yes, you've cleared it up. I do understand the frustration.....unfortunately.
The phd are my initials. I went to the school of Hard Knocks. Got an education in life skills from living a very hard life. Majored in forgiveness & minored in peace. I have faced more trials than most 80 year olds. I'm much better off for it. I did study Psych in college. I have studied the human condition for 38 years.
Glad to hear you're happy these days,
Steve
Apology accepted!
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-23 07:58:17
Although none needed! I enjoyed the exchange! Love your description of your "education". Peace to you! (unless of course you're debating w/me again!)
Posted by: wife2gregg
Posted on: 2004-09-23 07:58:17
Although none needed! I enjoyed the exchange! Love your description of your "education". Peace to you! (unless of course you're debating w/me again!)
Communication
Posted by: gregg66748
Posted on: 2004-09-25 00:27:53
Talk about your needs.. Talk to him about what his needs and desires are... A back rub and a foot message does wonders for my wife.. And it works both ways..
Posted by: gregg66748
Posted on: 2004-09-25 00:27:53
Talk about your needs.. Talk to him about what his needs and desires are... A back rub and a foot message does wonders for my wife.. And it works both ways..
Tried that...
Posted by: cpowers57
Posted on: 2004-09-26 15:38:20
I have talked till I'm blue in the face. It doesn't matter what I want, he isn't going to give it to me unless HE wants to. And what he wants is too one sided for me. I tried doing it his way hopeing for reciprocation, it won't happen unless I speak up and then he has attitude, like I am just too much effort. He even told me that I am never satisfied, he can never satisfy me. I turned it around on him and told him that he is so sexy to me that I can't help but want more of him.
Posted by: cpowers57
Posted on: 2004-09-26 15:38:20
I have talked till I'm blue in the face. It doesn't matter what I want, he isn't going to give it to me unless HE wants to. And what he wants is too one sided for me. I tried doing it his way hopeing for reciprocation, it won't happen unless I speak up and then he has attitude, like I am just too much effort. He even told me that I am never satisfied, he can never satisfy me. I turned it around on him and told him that he is so sexy to me that I can't help but want more of him.
Let Your Husband Read This!
Posted by: dareason
Posted on: 2004-09-21 13:10:18
I'm a husband that's 34 years of age. Since 2001 I've been having medical problems. The medicines that I have to take causes problems with my sexual relations with my wife. He(your husband) should be thankful and feel BLESSED to know he doesn't have ANY medical problems in his 30's. Although nothing is wrong with my sex drive.My wife wants LONGER sex/love making time. She said she don't need BETTER sex. Her complaint is extended time! And you mentioned you lost 60 pounds in a year and a half. I've been longing for my wife to loose weight for the past few years. If she lost 60 pounds, she will be the size that's just right. And she still won't be skinny at all. But thick enough to still enjoy. She may even still have a flabby stomach(a little).But the over all parts should be all that matter.NOW about this burping and farting stuff. Now my wife does this too. I complain about that. Because when we was dating I hardly ever heard her pass gas(fart). I couldn't remember a time then. But now I get on her often. I'm the one that goes to another room when I feel like I have to let one go. So to the husband. Again I say he should rejoice to know he's w/o any know medical problems. And that you lost weight to better yourself with health. And for him to keep interest going. God Bless!
Posted by: dareason
Posted on: 2004-09-21 13:10:18
I'm a husband that's 34 years of age. Since 2001 I've been having medical problems. The medicines that I have to take causes problems with my sexual relations with my wife. He(your husband) should be thankful and feel BLESSED to know he doesn't have ANY medical problems in his 30's. Although nothing is wrong with my sex drive.My wife wants LONGER sex/love making time. She said she don't need BETTER sex. Her complaint is extended time! And you mentioned you lost 60 pounds in a year and a half. I've been longing for my wife to loose weight for the past few years. If she lost 60 pounds, she will be the size that's just right. And she still won't be skinny at all. But thick enough to still enjoy. She may even still have a flabby stomach(a little).But the over all parts should be all that matter.NOW about this burping and farting stuff. Now my wife does this too. I complain about that. Because when we was dating I hardly ever heard her pass gas(fart). I couldn't remember a time then. But now I get on her often. I'm the one that goes to another room when I feel like I have to let one go. So to the husband. Again I say he should rejoice to know he's w/o any know medical problems. And that you lost weight to better yourself with health. And for him to keep interest going. God Bless!
I AGREE
Posted by: jennifery3
Posted on: 2004-09-22 17:06:49
I am sorry to hear that you have medical problems, it sounds like you are maybe in your 30's if so that is young to have to deal with medical issues.
I have to agree with you on the burping/farting issue, I don't and have not farted in front of my husband or his friends ever, I do occasionally burped but not often because I feel it is rude!
My husband will also make the comment about me farting, he wants to hear me fart ~ how sick is that!
I wish you lots of luck on your medical issues.
Take care
Posted by: jennifery3
Posted on: 2004-09-22 17:06:49
I am sorry to hear that you have medical problems, it sounds like you are maybe in your 30's if so that is young to have to deal with medical issues.
I have to agree with you on the burping/farting issue, I don't and have not farted in front of my husband or his friends ever, I do occasionally burped but not often because I feel it is rude!
My husband will also make the comment about me farting, he wants to hear me fart ~ how sick is that!
I wish you lots of luck on your medical issues.
Take care
