09/23 Blended Family Trouble
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Posted by: sunshyne05
Posted on: 2004-09-20 17:03:03
I am 17, and the youngest of a largely blended family. This is my father's 4th marriage, and my mother's 2nd. (Please don't start judging, you don't know the stories.) Our family is a "his, mine, and ours."
I am the only child from both my mother and my father, which means all my brothers and sisters are half. My oldest sister is 40 (from my dad), next comes my brothers who are both 30 (one from my dad, other from my mom), then my sister who is 28 (from my mom), then my sister who is 25 (from my dad). I also have a sister (from my dad) who is one year older than me, however I have never met her.
The Dr. Phil show doesn't come on until 3 central time where I am so I haven't seen the show, just the previews. From what I have seen it seems as if the families don't want to be together. I think that could have been a bad judgement call on the parents by to try to blend without an understanding of emotions.
I think the reason our family does get together so well is because we are open to each other. We don't judge each other, we treat everyone as equals. It is possible to make anything work with the right attitude and respect for one another.
Posted by: sunshyne05
Posted on: 2004-09-20 17:03:03
I am 17, and the youngest of a largely blended family. This is my father's 4th marriage, and my mother's 2nd. (Please don't start judging, you don't know the stories.) Our family is a "his, mine, and ours."
I am the only child from both my mother and my father, which means all my brothers and sisters are half. My oldest sister is 40 (from my dad), next comes my brothers who are both 30 (one from my dad, other from my mom), then my sister who is 28 (from my mom), then my sister who is 25 (from my dad). I also have a sister (from my dad) who is one year older than me, however I have never met her.
The Dr. Phil show doesn't come on until 3 central time where I am so I haven't seen the show, just the previews. From what I have seen it seems as if the families don't want to be together. I think that could have been a bad judgement call on the parents by to try to blend without an understanding of emotions.
I think the reason our family does get together so well is because we are open to each other. We don't judge each other, we treat everyone as equals. It is possible to make anything work with the right attitude and respect for one another.
Applause!
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 12:17:29
I'm glad to hear that a 17 year old has more sense than most adults! Your parents definitely have done something right! Kudos to you and your family!
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 12:17:29
I'm glad to hear that a 17 year old has more sense than most adults! Your parents definitely have done something right! Kudos to you and your family!
Not judging
Posted by: yaqui71
Posted on: 2004-09-22 13:08:26
Well the only thing I can say is it is easy to be open when your not crowded. Of course everyone is open and can communicate when you dont spend all your time and space together always. You are 17 and your oldest sibling is 40 that is a big age difference and you have a sister who is your age but you dont know her, well I think if you had to share your room, clothes and parents with her everyday of yourlife you might see things a little different. Count your blessing because you are in a unique position alot of the time the families have kids the same age. This family for example. teenagers no matter blended or not it is a difficult time, for both parents and kids.
Posted by: yaqui71
Posted on: 2004-09-22 13:08:26
Well the only thing I can say is it is easy to be open when your not crowded. Of course everyone is open and can communicate when you dont spend all your time and space together always. You are 17 and your oldest sibling is 40 that is a big age difference and you have a sister who is your age but you dont know her, well I think if you had to share your room, clothes and parents with her everyday of yourlife you might see things a little different. Count your blessing because you are in a unique position alot of the time the families have kids the same age. This family for example. teenagers no matter blended or not it is a difficult time, for both parents and kids.
Re: Not judging
Posted by: sunshyne05
Posted on: 2004-10-07 13:31:01
I understand what you are saying and yes it is a big age difference between me and my siblings. However, my family has been blended for 18 years. (A little before I was born) If you noticed my brothers are both 30, one of my sisters is 27, and my other is 25. They were all living under the same roof, rooming with step-brothers/sisters when they were teenagers. I think that is the hardest age to blend a family. Our family did have our fights, but overall my parents handled it awesome.
Posted by: sunshyne05
Posted on: 2004-10-07 13:31:01
I understand what you are saying and yes it is a big age difference between me and my siblings. However, my family has been blended for 18 years. (A little before I was born) If you noticed my brothers are both 30, one of my sisters is 27, and my other is 25. They were all living under the same roof, rooming with step-brothers/sisters when they were teenagers. I think that is the hardest age to blend a family. Our family did have our fights, but overall my parents handled it awesome.
WONDERFUL!! So, what am I doing wrong?
Posted by: kikoniki
Posted on: 2004-10-13 12:30:28
I wish I could chat with you much more! It is so nice to read a story of an extended family that can make it work. My husband and I have 3 kids, all from seperate marriages. The two oldest (19 & 17) are from his 1st marriage and the youngest (7) is from my 1st marriage. The ex-spouses are in the picture along with their significant others. We've been married for 5 1/2 years now. Together for 7 years. The oldest is fine with the extended arrangement. He is generally happy with no concerns, regards or fears. He is quite comfortable to have his friends down and we are home all the time for the kids. The youngest hasn't known any different for he only knew my husband in his life since he was 1 year old. BUT!! We are having a very difficult, very long, 6 years with the 17 year old. She was completely in love with the idea of an extended family at 11 years old and I took her as my own. I had a knee for both the youngest and her since she was so tiny, too. That lasted all of 2 months after our wedding. She completely changed. She was very jealous of the youngest, and very, very angry with me. She stopped telling me she loved me. She did everything to avoid me. That lasted for a long time. Till this day, 5 years later, she has her moments where she loses herself and acts like she did before she resented me. But, it's short-lived. She won't be in the same room with me for more than 15 minutes unless it's dinnertime. She will hardly say hello unless I seek her out. Recently, my husband got fed up and told her that she has to come to terms with the reality of the situation. That the youngest and me were not going anywhere and she is going to have to start treating us decently. Last night she left. She said she was going to her mother's. We do not know if she will come back. She says that her father doesn't want her. He disagrees and says he loves her and wants her with us. He doesn't want the attitude to be in our house anymore. She says she only wants her dad, not me or the youngest step-brother. She says at her mom's they don't have her mom's fiance with them all the time. They will ask him to join them when they feel like they want him to be invited.... My husband and I are tired of living the seperate lives. I've been to Disney with the youngest twice without my husband, because neither of the older ones wanted to go. I've been skiing without him numerous times, because the 17 year old didn't want to go. My husband is living two lives. He wants us all together!! I can't blame him. I do, too. But, I can't influence that... Do you have any thoughts from a 17 year old girl's perpective???
Posted by: kikoniki
Posted on: 2004-10-13 12:30:28
I wish I could chat with you much more! It is so nice to read a story of an extended family that can make it work. My husband and I have 3 kids, all from seperate marriages. The two oldest (19 & 17) are from his 1st marriage and the youngest (7) is from my 1st marriage. The ex-spouses are in the picture along with their significant others. We've been married for 5 1/2 years now. Together for 7 years. The oldest is fine with the extended arrangement. He is generally happy with no concerns, regards or fears. He is quite comfortable to have his friends down and we are home all the time for the kids. The youngest hasn't known any different for he only knew my husband in his life since he was 1 year old. BUT!! We are having a very difficult, very long, 6 years with the 17 year old. She was completely in love with the idea of an extended family at 11 years old and I took her as my own. I had a knee for both the youngest and her since she was so tiny, too. That lasted all of 2 months after our wedding. She completely changed. She was very jealous of the youngest, and very, very angry with me. She stopped telling me she loved me. She did everything to avoid me. That lasted for a long time. Till this day, 5 years later, she has her moments where she loses herself and acts like she did before she resented me. But, it's short-lived. She won't be in the same room with me for more than 15 minutes unless it's dinnertime. She will hardly say hello unless I seek her out. Recently, my husband got fed up and told her that she has to come to terms with the reality of the situation. That the youngest and me were not going anywhere and she is going to have to start treating us decently. Last night she left. She said she was going to her mother's. We do not know if she will come back. She says that her father doesn't want her. He disagrees and says he loves her and wants her with us. He doesn't want the attitude to be in our house anymore. She says she only wants her dad, not me or the youngest step-brother. She says at her mom's they don't have her mom's fiance with them all the time. They will ask him to join them when they feel like they want him to be invited.... My husband and I are tired of living the seperate lives. I've been to Disney with the youngest twice without my husband, because neither of the older ones wanted to go. I've been skiing without him numerous times, because the 17 year old didn't want to go. My husband is living two lives. He wants us all together!! I can't blame him. I do, too. But, I can't influence that... Do you have any thoughts from a 17 year old girl's perpective???
RE: your 17 yr old
Posted by: mompickle
Posted on: 2004-10-21 17:51:36
I can empathize. My husbands children are all like that to me. We were all friends unitl the day i got married. Now I don't even like my husband. There have been so many times when the kids forced choices to be changed after decisions have been reached, that there is no longer trust. I do not care, seriously do not care, if he goes with the others and leaves myself and my children to do as we please without them. I only care when he wants to take our youngest daughter, his kids do not like her and he does not protect her from their cruelty. He thinks the teasing and roughness are NORMAL for children, the baby is 18 months old. Good luck with your 17 year old, I have no advice only empathy.
Posted by: mompickle
Posted on: 2004-10-21 17:51:36
I can empathize. My husbands children are all like that to me. We were all friends unitl the day i got married. Now I don't even like my husband. There have been so many times when the kids forced choices to be changed after decisions have been reached, that there is no longer trust. I do not care, seriously do not care, if he goes with the others and leaves myself and my children to do as we please without them. I only care when he wants to take our youngest daughter, his kids do not like her and he does not protect her from their cruelty. He thinks the teasing and roughness are NORMAL for children, the baby is 18 months old. Good luck with your 17 year old, I have no advice only empathy.
Youngest in a blended family
Posted by: mompickle
Posted on: 2004-10-21 17:41:51
I can only hope that our blended family can come together someday. Why is there one sister you have not met? I am the mother in a blended family, a yours, mine and ours. My husbands older children have a supreme dislike for me and my children and have let that affect how they feel about the baby. Her oldest sister is 20 years older than she is and calls her IT, her second oldest sister tolerates her when she sees her but that is not often. Her brothers treat her with love. Her brother and sister that are closest to her are 11 and 12, and they love and play with her every day. I am hopeful that when she is 17, and in high school she is as articulate and well poken as you are.
Posted by: mompickle
Posted on: 2004-10-21 17:41:51
I can only hope that our blended family can come together someday. Why is there one sister you have not met? I am the mother in a blended family, a yours, mine and ours. My husbands older children have a supreme dislike for me and my children and have let that affect how they feel about the baby. Her oldest sister is 20 years older than she is and calls her IT, her second oldest sister tolerates her when she sees her but that is not often. Her brothers treat her with love. Her brother and sister that are closest to her are 11 and 12, and they love and play with her every day. I am hopeful that when she is 17, and in high school she is as articulate and well poken as you are.
The Right Moves
Posted by: rrneelyxxx
Posted on: 2005-03-21 17:22:25
I married at a very young age, and after 5 years of marriage and two daughters, me and my ex divorced. In the beginning it was very very very ugly. I decided to change the coarse we were on, and soon things started to get easier. It was very tough for me not to fuss right back at him, many times I had to watch what I said, and how I said it. In the meantime, I had my mother telling me I should have said this or that, and his father was suggesting things to do to me. I bit my tounge a lot. Today, me and my ex get along great. We share custody of our girls. I also enjoy spending time with his new wife as well.
Things couldn't be better. It is not in my personality to hold back. I am very verble, but I quickly learned that if it would make things easier, I needed to refrain from lashing out.
I know this can't happen for everyone. I know that some ex's are really hurtful, and will be hard to get along with no matter what. In my case it worked out for me.
Posted by: rrneelyxxx
Posted on: 2005-03-21 17:22:25
I married at a very young age, and after 5 years of marriage and two daughters, me and my ex divorced. In the beginning it was very very very ugly. I decided to change the coarse we were on, and soon things started to get easier. It was very tough for me not to fuss right back at him, many times I had to watch what I said, and how I said it. In the meantime, I had my mother telling me I should have said this or that, and his father was suggesting things to do to me. I bit my tounge a lot. Today, me and my ex get along great. We share custody of our girls. I also enjoy spending time with his new wife as well.
Things couldn't be better. It is not in my personality to hold back. I am very verble, but I quickly learned that if it would make things easier, I needed to refrain from lashing out.
I know this can't happen for everyone. I know that some ex's are really hurtful, and will be hard to get along with no matter what. In my case it worked out for me.
mother of 5 in blended family
Posted by: kaylapipy
Posted on: 2005-06-27 10:23:24
i am a mother of 5.4 biological i step. we have been in the same house for almiost 3 years.its a daily battle.for the mast part it works out ok.the favortism is what bugs me.him and his family favor his daughter and my kids are left out al;ot. his daughter is always getting new clothes and stuff and my kids dont get anything except on holidays and birthdays.my family has to buy for allor none because they refuse to make her feel rejected or left out and i cant seem to make them understand that when his daghter gets all this new stuff that it hurts my kids.its good that you didnt fell this way growing up.
Posted by: kaylapipy
Posted on: 2005-06-27 10:23:24
i am a mother of 5.4 biological i step. we have been in the same house for almiost 3 years.its a daily battle.for the mast part it works out ok.the favortism is what bugs me.him and his family favor his daughter and my kids are left out al;ot. his daughter is always getting new clothes and stuff and my kids dont get anything except on holidays and birthdays.my family has to buy for allor none because they refuse to make her feel rejected or left out and i cant seem to make them understand that when his daghter gets all this new stuff that it hurts my kids.its good that you didnt fell this way growing up.
blended,bossy,busy,bothered,bumpy,blended family
Posted by: maliblue
Posted on: 2004-09-22 14:52:23
We also are a blended family we both have children from previous marriages...we have 5 girls between us...I have an 14 year old girl, 11 year old girl, and an 9 year old girl,...he has an 14 year old girl, and an 11 year old girl...so its like having to sets of twins and a little one in the mix..I have custody of my girls and he has an agreement that he has them for six months and she does then whoever dont have them full-time has them that every other weekend....yes we have plenty fighting also and jealiously in this house...lots of conflicts with different parenting ways...we also have alot of EX issues...because neither one of the Ex's really know how to be an adult and have their prooritys straight...so that causes alot of stress on us.and at each other when we just want to do right for the children somehow we always look like the bad guy or not the fun one...etc.....lots of emotional up and downs...I cant wait until tomorrows show to see how other families deal with these issues...and sometimes it seems like we are the only blended family that cant get it right..and get along...
Posted by: maliblue
Posted on: 2004-09-22 14:52:23
We also are a blended family we both have children from previous marriages...we have 5 girls between us...I have an 14 year old girl, 11 year old girl, and an 9 year old girl,...he has an 14 year old girl, and an 11 year old girl...so its like having to sets of twins and a little one in the mix..I have custody of my girls and he has an agreement that he has them for six months and she does then whoever dont have them full-time has them that every other weekend....yes we have plenty fighting also and jealiously in this house...lots of conflicts with different parenting ways...we also have alot of EX issues...because neither one of the Ex's really know how to be an adult and have their prooritys straight...so that causes alot of stress on us.and at each other when we just want to do right for the children somehow we always look like the bad guy or not the fun one...etc.....lots of emotional up and downs...I cant wait until tomorrows show to see how other families deal with these issues...and sometimes it seems like we are the only blended family that cant get it right..and get along...
you are not the only ones
Posted by: pomomma
Posted on: 2004-09-23 07:58:17
You are not the only blended family that does not get along. Had I known then, what I know now, I would have never gotten myself or my children into this mess. Our main issues are with his ex wife. Their marriage was over for 6 years before I met him, but she carries on like I was "the other woman". One of his adult sons is allowed to be rude and horrible to me and has a stated goal of ruining our marriage. My husbands guilt prevents him from stepping up and setting boundaries. What I learned, is that there is no reality in starting over. Once we divorce, we cant get married and start over if there are children involved. Sorry you are going through this.
Posted by: pomomma
Posted on: 2004-09-23 07:58:17
You are not the only blended family that does not get along. Had I known then, what I know now, I would have never gotten myself or my children into this mess. Our main issues are with his ex wife. Their marriage was over for 6 years before I met him, but she carries on like I was "the other woman". One of his adult sons is allowed to be rude and horrible to me and has a stated goal of ruining our marriage. My husbands guilt prevents him from stepping up and setting boundaries. What I learned, is that there is no reality in starting over. Once we divorce, we cant get married and start over if there are children involved. Sorry you are going through this.
Not the only one either
Posted by: tbuck99
Posted on: 2004-09-23 10:03:36
I couldn't agree with you more Pomomma, I to am in a blended family that by no stretch of the imagination gets along. Our main issue as well is the hostility of the ex, marriage has been over for 14 years. His teenage son is wicked to me, and continually gets coached by his mother. Again like yourself my husband guilt has prevented him from setting boundaries and disciplinary actions. I too wish I had known in advance what I would be up against.
Posted by: tbuck99
Posted on: 2004-09-23 10:03:36
I couldn't agree with you more Pomomma, I to am in a blended family that by no stretch of the imagination gets along. Our main issue as well is the hostility of the ex, marriage has been over for 14 years. His teenage son is wicked to me, and continually gets coached by his mother. Again like yourself my husband guilt has prevented him from setting boundaries and disciplinary actions. I too wish I had known in advance what I would be up against.
just a suggestion
Posted by: wimom72
Posted on: 2004-09-23 10:30:49
I just thought I might pop in with a suggestion, we've had our share of issues like that with my husbands bio. daughter, and at first it was the same, he was almost scared to say or do anything, and without a doubt that got to be frustrating, but what I've had to do is come to terms is that, this is my/our house, and that respect is to be had. I stepped in, and basically sent her to her own personal world, since she didn't enjoy being in with the rest of the family, she had time to think.. she spent quite a bit of time there in the beginning. But it's worked out for the most part, there are still times she acts up, and away she goes to her space. If you don't show that it bothers you, it will eventually at least settle down, to where things can be at least smoother. Let him know that it's alright, he doesn't have to like you, but this is your house, and he's to respect you in the home, if he chooses not to, then he needs to be away in his space in the house until he chooses to respect you. I hope it helps, because it's a hard thing, and can tear you apart emotionally, there is no where to go but up from here. :) Good luck
Posted by: wimom72
Posted on: 2004-09-23 10:30:49
I just thought I might pop in with a suggestion, we've had our share of issues like that with my husbands bio. daughter, and at first it was the same, he was almost scared to say or do anything, and without a doubt that got to be frustrating, but what I've had to do is come to terms is that, this is my/our house, and that respect is to be had. I stepped in, and basically sent her to her own personal world, since she didn't enjoy being in with the rest of the family, she had time to think.. she spent quite a bit of time there in the beginning. But it's worked out for the most part, there are still times she acts up, and away she goes to her space. If you don't show that it bothers you, it will eventually at least settle down, to where things can be at least smoother. Let him know that it's alright, he doesn't have to like you, but this is your house, and he's to respect you in the home, if he chooses not to, then he needs to be away in his space in the house until he chooses to respect you. I hope it helps, because it's a hard thing, and can tear you apart emotionally, there is no where to go but up from here. :) Good luck
Very Common
Posted by: ra11en
Posted on: 2004-09-23 10:51:17
I grew up with three different 'blended' families due to three of my mom's marriages being with men that had children from previous marriages. It never worked - it was always a horrible situation on that front. I will always commend my mother however for striving for structure and routine regardless of the battles between the families. She was always a rock for us kids and no matter what we were always able to count on her to be there for us. I guess that made the difference for me at least.
Even with my bad experiences of 'blended' family, I still believe that if everyone involved acts like a mature adult and quits trying to get on the level of the children it would be able to work. Just my opinion.
Posted by: ra11en
Posted on: 2004-09-23 10:51:17
I grew up with three different 'blended' families due to three of my mom's marriages being with men that had children from previous marriages. It never worked - it was always a horrible situation on that front. I will always commend my mother however for striving for structure and routine regardless of the battles between the families. She was always a rock for us kids and no matter what we were always able to count on her to be there for us. I guess that made the difference for me at least.
Even with my bad experiences of 'blended' family, I still believe that if everyone involved acts like a mature adult and quits trying to get on the level of the children it would be able to work. Just my opinion.
from both ends
Posted by: revenge1
Posted on: 2004-12-15 12:52:15
I was in a blended family before. My dad married someone I did not like her because she hates the country and hate her sons and herself from getting dirty. I went to live with them when I was 14yrs old, I was a built in babysitter for her and my dad, she also always put her boys ahead of me. I mean if I got in trouble she made me stick to my groundtion but now her boys get grounded she lets them off it when my dad is not around. I got to the point where I hate her. Now I am marrying someone with 2 teenagers (1st married), I have 3 girls(5yrs, 3yrs,and 20months from my 1st marriage)and I think I am having another baby with this man. The teenagers hate me because I am to stricted, I try to run my house like we are in the military(dad was in the Air Force and he was very strict also. I try to listen to them but it has been just the 3 of them their whole life and their dad has let them get away with everything since they were 7yrs old. He allowed them to call me all kinds of names but I am not aloowed to lay a hand on them but the little girls can not do the same or they get their butts popped. All I can say is you both need to sit down together and explain what you both want from the family and when you both agree on it go talk to the kids and do the same with them. Let them tell you want the want from the family and come to some kind of agreement and do not back down from what you started with between you both because you are the parents and in charged not them. Let them know that up front that what you both say goes not what they say they need to listen to you because you already went thru what they are going thru now.
Posted by: revenge1
Posted on: 2004-12-15 12:52:15
I was in a blended family before. My dad married someone I did not like her because she hates the country and hate her sons and herself from getting dirty. I went to live with them when I was 14yrs old, I was a built in babysitter for her and my dad, she also always put her boys ahead of me. I mean if I got in trouble she made me stick to my groundtion but now her boys get grounded she lets them off it when my dad is not around. I got to the point where I hate her. Now I am marrying someone with 2 teenagers (1st married), I have 3 girls(5yrs, 3yrs,and 20months from my 1st marriage)and I think I am having another baby with this man. The teenagers hate me because I am to stricted, I try to run my house like we are in the military(dad was in the Air Force and he was very strict also. I try to listen to them but it has been just the 3 of them their whole life and their dad has let them get away with everything since they were 7yrs old. He allowed them to call me all kinds of names but I am not aloowed to lay a hand on them but the little girls can not do the same or they get their butts popped. All I can say is you both need to sit down together and explain what you both want from the family and when you both agree on it go talk to the kids and do the same with them. Let them tell you want the want from the family and come to some kind of agreement and do not back down from what you started with between you both because you are the parents and in charged not them. Let them know that up front that what you both say goes not what they say they need to listen to you because you already went thru what they are going thru now.
Another Blended Family With Problem
Posted by: tmdmom
Posted on: 2004-09-23 11:54:58
Yes I agree wholeheartily! It certainly is a "MESS!" But, I still believe in my heart that there is a way to work it all out. I have thought many times about leaving, but I felt very convicted that my husband & I should stay together & Love him so much I could not stand to be without him- He feels the same way. Our main "fight," & biggest "problem" is definitely the EX-WIFE. She has done nothing but try to cause trouble & chaos within our house. She has turned my husband's three children against us in every possible way she could. We had to send the oldest son (17 at the time,2 yrs. ago) to live with his mother because he would not listen & behave at our house, & even threatened to kill us twice-once for the couch, & once for his dad's car,after wrecking his 3 times & his dad's once. He still doesn't talk to us much, or come to see his dad, even though he might go to Iraq in Jan. with the Army. She even got the 14y.o. girl to go back to court (3rd time) to say she only wanted to live with her mom last year, & changed custody from shared to 10 days w/mom, 4days w/dad. All after sending us to Social Services saying we were "bad parents,& neglectful" & allowing the 14 y.o. to drink wine in our house.(which never happened, & these children get plenty- in fact Soc. Serv.,which vistited w/both homes, said maybe Too Much.) The 14 y.o. is usually angry, mean & hateful when she is over here & has said "her mom says she does not have to listen to us." The middle son had his mom's boyfriend pick him & his sister up from our house & take them to his mom's after his dad asked him to take the recyclables out, & would not get us tickets to his H.S. Graduation this spring, only his mom-we had to go through the Principle. When he went into the Army 3wks. ago, he told us the wrong time that he was leaving from the recruiters office & that he really didn't want anyone there- of course when we went, his mom,new husband & Aunt were there. We have been to counseling with the little girl, & are going back again with hope that she will change & at least try to be happy when she is here.
Posted by: tmdmom
Posted on: 2004-09-23 11:54:58
Yes I agree wholeheartily! It certainly is a "MESS!" But, I still believe in my heart that there is a way to work it all out. I have thought many times about leaving, but I felt very convicted that my husband & I should stay together & Love him so much I could not stand to be without him- He feels the same way. Our main "fight," & biggest "problem" is definitely the EX-WIFE. She has done nothing but try to cause trouble & chaos within our house. She has turned my husband's three children against us in every possible way she could. We had to send the oldest son (17 at the time,2 yrs. ago) to live with his mother because he would not listen & behave at our house, & even threatened to kill us twice-once for the couch, & once for his dad's car,after wrecking his 3 times & his dad's once. He still doesn't talk to us much, or come to see his dad, even though he might go to Iraq in Jan. with the Army. She even got the 14y.o. girl to go back to court (3rd time) to say she only wanted to live with her mom last year, & changed custody from shared to 10 days w/mom, 4days w/dad. All after sending us to Social Services saying we were "bad parents,& neglectful" & allowing the 14 y.o. to drink wine in our house.(which never happened, & these children get plenty- in fact Soc. Serv.,which vistited w/both homes, said maybe Too Much.) The 14 y.o. is usually angry, mean & hateful when she is over here & has said "her mom says she does not have to listen to us." The middle son had his mom's boyfriend pick him & his sister up from our house & take them to his mom's after his dad asked him to take the recyclables out, & would not get us tickets to his H.S. Graduation this spring, only his mom-we had to go through the Principle. When he went into the Army 3wks. ago, he told us the wrong time that he was leaving from the recruiters office & that he really didn't want anyone there- of course when we went, his mom,new husband & Aunt were there. We have been to counseling with the little girl, & are going back again with hope that she will change & at least try to be happy when she is here.
Posted by: dorburns
Posted on: 2004-09-23 15:43:57
My husband and I moved in together when my step daughter was 6 years old, I had a 18 month old from a previous relationship. My husband and his ex had not been together since their daughter was around 2, but he picked her up every weekend for visitation. Her mother told her she didn't have to listen to me. She totally tried to alienate her from me. I would put her on time out when she misbehaved and when she would cry, my mom said I didn't have to. I would reply, yes but your mother isn't on time out, you are. Eventually she realized that she had to listen in our home. When she was 8 her mother signed over custody to us. It was a giant adjustment for all of us. It was unnessesarily hard because of her moms interference, once she was angry at her for not telling the judge that she wanted to live with her, and didn't see her for 3 months. She has never gone to any school events, although she had always been invited. She tried to tell us how to run our home, which she eventually learned, she couldn't. My step daughter is now 14, a freshman in high school. We have become very close over the years, she still sees her mom every other weekend and in the summer and she loves her very much. But she knows right from wrong. The adjustment period was very hard, it took a few years, but don't give up, it is so worth it. I had a wonderful husband that backed me all the way, because after all I was the enemy. But he also let me know when he thought I was wrong and if I was I would apologize to her and let her know that I am not perfect. I have never been a step mom before and we're just taking it day by day, but no matter what she does wrong. I would never want her to leave. Now you would never know how much she hated me in the beginning because she comes to me for everything. She is loving, helpful, most of the time respectful. She is an A average student. My husband adopted our son and he adores his big sister. We are still taking it day by day, there are now way more better days then bad ones. We still wish her mom could be more involved so she would be happier. But as I explained to her we can't change people. We can only love them for who they are. Happy People know how to be thankful for all that they already have. People who always want more or are full of regrets are not happy people. Most of the time she is happy.
Similar Pain
Posted by: dashermom
Posted on: 2004-09-28 13:23:38
We just wanted you to know that we understand your pain about your son going to Iraq. We have a similar situation along with the other issues in our blended family.
My husband and I got married August of 2003. We have 5 chidren, now 18, 17, 15, 14 & 10 (4 boys, 1 girl). The 18 year old now lives with his Mom in another state. When we came back from our vacation, we learned he had signed up for the Army and was on a delayed entry program to go to Iraq next July. He did this without talking with his Dad. We both feel he is trying to punish us by making this decision. It is truly sad. His mom and her boyfriend helped in this plan and he feels the recruiter will give him everthing he asked for!!! We are scared for him.
This problem is only the tip of the iceburg.
We are without crisis on a daily basis with our children. Just when we come up for air, we are sucked back down. On top of everthing else, we receive ignorant letters from his ex-wife's boyfriend (yes, a boyfriend!!), have to deal with a "cool" ex-wife and a "cool" ex-husband.
The only way we will make it through these times is by sticking together. Our first year together was very rough. I cried when I watched the show but now I feel there is hope. I am looking forward to this Thursday's show.
Please take care and good luck.
Posted by: dashermom
Posted on: 2004-09-28 13:23:38
We just wanted you to know that we understand your pain about your son going to Iraq. We have a similar situation along with the other issues in our blended family.
My husband and I got married August of 2003. We have 5 chidren, now 18, 17, 15, 14 & 10 (4 boys, 1 girl). The 18 year old now lives with his Mom in another state. When we came back from our vacation, we learned he had signed up for the Army and was on a delayed entry program to go to Iraq next July. He did this without talking with his Dad. We both feel he is trying to punish us by making this decision. It is truly sad. His mom and her boyfriend helped in this plan and he feels the recruiter will give him everthing he asked for!!! We are scared for him.
This problem is only the tip of the iceburg.
We are without crisis on a daily basis with our children. Just when we come up for air, we are sucked back down. On top of everthing else, we receive ignorant letters from his ex-wife's boyfriend (yes, a boyfriend!!), have to deal with a "cool" ex-wife and a "cool" ex-husband.
The only way we will make it through these times is by sticking together. Our first year together was very rough. I cried when I watched the show but now I feel there is hope. I am looking forward to this Thursday's show.
Please take care and good luck.
you are not the only ones
Posted by: jewishmom
Posted on: 2004-09-23 20:22:07
pomomma- I feel just like you. Had I known I would have never gotten into this. My partner was also divorced for 5 years and his ex treats me like the other woman. If that were the only problem it would not be so bad but... my partner started dissing my 15 YO son in a big way! The problems most families have with thier teen I have with an adult, I usually to try to protect everyones feelings. My son and I are moving out of our home to an apt so we can find some peace in these last few years I have him home.
Posted by: jewishmom
Posted on: 2004-09-23 20:22:07
pomomma- I feel just like you. Had I known I would have never gotten into this. My partner was also divorced for 5 years and his ex treats me like the other woman. If that were the only problem it would not be so bad but... my partner started dissing my 15 YO son in a big way! The problems most families have with thier teen I have with an adult, I usually to try to protect everyones feelings. My son and I are moving out of our home to an apt so we can find some peace in these last few years I have him home.
this sucks.
Posted by: samasmama
Posted on: 2004-10-19 15:53:58
I totally hear that. My soon to be exhusband never accepted the relationship that my daughter and I have. We were on our own for 9 years after I left her father, an abusive drunken addict. My daughter is now 13. He always tried to come between us, putting her down, ignoring her, using her for babysitting
physically trying to keep her and I apart. After almost 4 years, I left again, but for good this time. I called him the other day because I found out that my daughter has been making herself throw up for almost 4 months, and has this week been diagnosed with bulimia. He said that that little b**** finally found a way to keep me to herself. That she has ruined his marriage, his life and he hates her. He called her all kinds of names, etc. Suffice to say I hope he sees me before I see him next time. My husband has 2 kids, one now 7, one now 8. Their mother signed all rights over to him and I 4 yrs ago. I am the only mom they have ever known, but now he won't let me see them because he's mad. So, who wins again? Nobody does, so lover beware, make sure you know this guy inside out and your kids are okay before you do ANYTHING.
Posted by: samasmama
Posted on: 2004-10-19 15:53:58
I totally hear that. My soon to be exhusband never accepted the relationship that my daughter and I have. We were on our own for 9 years after I left her father, an abusive drunken addict. My daughter is now 13. He always tried to come between us, putting her down, ignoring her, using her for babysitting
physically trying to keep her and I apart. After almost 4 years, I left again, but for good this time. I called him the other day because I found out that my daughter has been making herself throw up for almost 4 months, and has this week been diagnosed with bulimia. He said that that little b**** finally found a way to keep me to herself. That she has ruined his marriage, his life and he hates her. He called her all kinds of names, etc. Suffice to say I hope he sees me before I see him next time. My husband has 2 kids, one now 7, one now 8. Their mother signed all rights over to him and I 4 yrs ago. I am the only mom they have ever known, but now he won't let me see them because he's mad. So, who wins again? Nobody does, so lover beware, make sure you know this guy inside out and your kids are okay before you do ANYTHING.
