01/14 Custody Battles Update
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Posted by: ksinnett
Posted on: 2004-10-30 23:15:28
Dr. Phil,
Speaking as a child of divorced parents, and as a divorced parent, and step parent myself, I have seen some really aweful stuff from all sides, and all I really want to say is God Bless our children. He is the only one that can save them. All of this is so sad. Thank you for listening. K. Sinnett
Posted by: ksinnett
Posted on: 2004-10-30 23:15:28
Dr. Phil,
Speaking as a child of divorced parents, and as a divorced parent, and step parent myself, I have seen some really aweful stuff from all sides, and all I really want to say is God Bless our children. He is the only one that can save them. All of this is so sad. Thank you for listening. K. Sinnett
HIGH CONFLICT PERSONALITIES AND DISORDERS
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2004-10-31 16:30:09
To any child who had the misfortune of being raised by a parent who is/was mean, vicious, vindicitive, calculating, manipulative, a liar and a cheat I strongly recommend the following books:
High Conflict Personalities: Understanding and Resolving Their Costly (Legal) Disputes by William Eddy
Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth, Freda Friedman and Randi Kreger
These books are a godsend for handling difficult personalities who don’t want to stop fighting.
Hope it helps!
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2004-10-31 16:30:09
To any child who had the misfortune of being raised by a parent who is/was mean, vicious, vindicitive, calculating, manipulative, a liar and a cheat I strongly recommend the following books:
High Conflict Personalities: Understanding and Resolving Their Costly (Legal) Disputes by William Eddy
Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth, Freda Friedman and Randi Kreger
These books are a godsend for handling difficult personalities who don’t want to stop fighting.
Hope it helps!
Books to help children with a high conflict parent
Posted by: jmemre
Posted on: 2004-11-11 15:25:50
I am the step-mother of a little girl who has one very high conflict parent (her mom) and one very passive parent (her dad). For the most part, I am not involved in the conflict between my husband and his daughter's mom, but my step-daughter has suffered a great deal from the high conflict her mom causes. Can anyone suggest any books with tips on how to help her cope with this?
Posted by: jmemre
Posted on: 2004-11-11 15:25:50
I am the step-mother of a little girl who has one very high conflict parent (her mom) and one very passive parent (her dad). For the most part, I am not involved in the conflict between my husband and his daughter's mom, but my step-daughter has suffered a great deal from the high conflict her mom causes. Can anyone suggest any books with tips on how to help her cope with this?
BULLY - HOME/WORKPLACE/SCHOOL/NEIGHBORHOOD
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-14 12:22:10
Some other very good books related to the topic of High Conflict Personalities:
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson
Treating Borderline States in Marriage: Dealing With Oppositionalism, Ruthless Aggression, and Severe Resistance by Charles C. McCormack
Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan Cavaiola and Neil Lavender OR Bully in Sight: How to Predict, Resist, Challenge and Combat Workplace Bullies - by Tim Fields of www.thefieldfoundation.org
Hope it helps!
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-14 12:22:10
Some other very good books related to the topic of High Conflict Personalities:
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson
Treating Borderline States in Marriage: Dealing With Oppositionalism, Ruthless Aggression, and Severe Resistance by Charles C. McCormack
Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan Cavaiola and Neil Lavender OR Bully in Sight: How to Predict, Resist, Challenge and Combat Workplace Bullies - by Tim Fields of www.thefieldfoundation.org
Hope it helps!
BULLY - HOME/WORKPLACE/SCHOOL/NEIGHBORHOOD
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-14 12:23:04
Some other very good books related to the topic of High Conflict Personalities:
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson
Treating Borderline States in Marriage: Dealing With Oppositionalism, Ruthless Aggression, and Severe Resistance by Charles C. McCormack
Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan Cavaiola and Neil Lavender OR Bully in Sight: How to Predict, Resist, Challenge and Combat Workplace Bullies - by Tim Fields of www.thefieldfoundation.org
Hope it helps!
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-14 12:23:04
Some other very good books related to the topic of High Conflict Personalities:
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson
Treating Borderline States in Marriage: Dealing With Oppositionalism, Ruthless Aggression, and Severe Resistance by Charles C. McCormack
Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan Cavaiola and Neil Lavender OR Bully in Sight: How to Predict, Resist, Challenge and Combat Workplace Bullies - by Tim Fields of www.thefieldfoundation.org
Hope it helps!
Posted by: detiny49
Posted on: 2005-01-15 09:55:09
First off are you sure it is the mom that causes the conflict? I am going through the same thing, but it is the step mom that interfer's with my decisions, and rule making, she is the liar, malnipulator, I think a lot of women that get involved with a man that has children should know what they are getting into before they marry. the step mom is trying to get me out of the picture, the dad is not involved with his daughter but the step mom sure is, and it is not her place to do the visitation, it is her dad's responsiblility. so i am not so sure that the mom is at fault here, unless she is abusive. The step mom says she is not involved in the conflict, i assure you that is what my daughter's step mom says as well, but she is the main conflict, for she doesn't want to step out of the spotlight and allow the father to be the parent.
ACCUSED OF THINGS YOU NEVER DID OR SAID
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:06:45
Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?
A step-mother can also be a "Borderline Mother". Actually a person does not even need to be a parent to have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For the sake of your child who may be living with a person with BPD and to help you better understand the dynamic of what may be going on between you, your child, your ex-husband and his wife; I strongly encourage you to read these books (you may be especially interested in the subject regarding the Borderline Witch):
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone In Your Life Has BPD by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger
Get Me Out of Here : My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland
I Strongly recommend these books if you, your child or ex-husband feel manipulated, controlled or lied to by the step-mother.
Hope it helps!
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:06:45
Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?
A step-mother can also be a "Borderline Mother". Actually a person does not even need to be a parent to have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For the sake of your child who may be living with a person with BPD and to help you better understand the dynamic of what may be going on between you, your child, your ex-husband and his wife; I strongly encourage you to read these books (you may be especially interested in the subject regarding the Borderline Witch):
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone In Your Life Has BPD by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger
Get Me Out of Here : My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland
I Strongly recommend these books if you, your child or ex-husband feel manipulated, controlled or lied to by the step-mother.
Hope it helps!
ACCUSED OF THINGS YOU NEVER DID OR SAID
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:06:45
Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?
A step-mother can also be a "Borderline Mother". Actually a person does not even need to be a parent to have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For the sake of your child who may be living with a person with BPD and to help you better understand the dynamic of what may be going on between you, your child, your ex-husband and his wife; I strongly encourage you to read these books (you may be especially interested in the subject regarding the Borderline Witch):
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone In Your Life Has BPD by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger
Get Me Out of Here : My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland
I Strongly recommend these books if you, your child or ex-husband feel manipulated, controlled or lied to by the step-mother.
Hope it helps!
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:06:45
Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?
A step-mother can also be a "Borderline Mother". Actually a person does not even need to be a parent to have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For the sake of your child who may be living with a person with BPD and to help you better understand the dynamic of what may be going on between you, your child, your ex-husband and his wife; I strongly encourage you to read these books (you may be especially interested in the subject regarding the Borderline Witch):
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone In Your Life Has BPD by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger
Get Me Out of Here : My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland
I Strongly recommend these books if you, your child or ex-husband feel manipulated, controlled or lied to by the step-mother.
Hope it helps!
Custody battle Step Mom to involved
Posted by: ckkray
Posted on: 2005-01-16 22:42:18
Can you explain to me a little more about the step parent being a boarderline Mother. I am going threw a very tough situation between my ex and his new wife. I am trying to get custody of my three children, I am always being accused of things that where never said or done, and much of what gets said is very twised in order to benifit them. They try constantly take away hours of visitation of various reasons that they go back on when it does not suit them or when it would benifit me. They control what I do during my visitation how I do it and when I do it. I have tryed to get my ex into councling with the two of us, but he wont have it unless the step mom is right there and upfront and center. Not only that, but he wants to do it with a councler that I am not comfortable with. I spend many nights crying myself to sleep just from missing my kids and out of pur frustration as to why this is happening and why he is so determind to keep visits so limited. The court feel there should be more visitation and that is what the kids want. He is not telling me about appointments and telling me they are none of my business. He is to give me first right of refusal anytime he is away from home for a period of three hours. I know of many times he has been out of town or been away from the home for extented periods of time with out contacting me. He is constantly reminding me of times that are on the papers, but yet refuses to follow them himself. We are still in court and am wanting to file a contempt of court complaint, but fair what it would do to the kids. I gave up custody with the verbel understanding that once I worked on myself we would join together with joint custody, of course when he re-mairried this all changed. The step mother has several disorders such as Agniphobia, fear of sleeping alone, fear of driving, panic attacks, post pardom, and other disorders. The evaluations tuched on some of this, but pretty much excussed them. I waited a year before deciding to go ahead with this out of fear again what it would do to the kids. When my 9 year old wrote a letter about wanting to take her life and I found out threw my 11 year old is when I lost it. I tryed to talk to him, but was blown off, so whent to the school councler to have my ex tell me how dear I goto the councler with out telling him. This is when I finnally decided I had to do what was best for them and fight for my rights as a mother and there right to be provided for in a safe secure environment. I love my daughters very much and have always wanted what was best for them. My ex seems to think that the less they see me they better it is for them. I was just looking for some advise on this whole thing. And wonderd it the Step Mom could have the Boarder line mother thing. Just today because my visitation falls on a Holiday that is his turn he is preventing me from making up the time. And we ran into his sister in the video store and she said to my 11 year old "your Mom let me use your blanket" she looked at her with a question mark on her face. Then his sister said "your mom let me use your blanket, she whent into all your girls rooms and got all your blankets for us" She was refuring to her Step Mom as her Mom. I was paralized right where I stood, not able to speak or move. When I could move I just walked away. This is all so hard and I am fighting to keep my streangth in all of this. It is getting harder and harder to hide my hurt from the kids. S
Sorry about any spelling or typ errors, no spell check on this. Thanks and any in put would be great.
Krista
Posted by: ckkray
Posted on: 2005-01-16 22:42:18
Can you explain to me a little more about the step parent being a boarderline Mother. I am going threw a very tough situation between my ex and his new wife. I am trying to get custody of my three children, I am always being accused of things that where never said or done, and much of what gets said is very twised in order to benifit them. They try constantly take away hours of visitation of various reasons that they go back on when it does not suit them or when it would benifit me. They control what I do during my visitation how I do it and when I do it. I have tryed to get my ex into councling with the two of us, but he wont have it unless the step mom is right there and upfront and center. Not only that, but he wants to do it with a councler that I am not comfortable with. I spend many nights crying myself to sleep just from missing my kids and out of pur frustration as to why this is happening and why he is so determind to keep visits so limited. The court feel there should be more visitation and that is what the kids want. He is not telling me about appointments and telling me they are none of my business. He is to give me first right of refusal anytime he is away from home for a period of three hours. I know of many times he has been out of town or been away from the home for extented periods of time with out contacting me. He is constantly reminding me of times that are on the papers, but yet refuses to follow them himself. We are still in court and am wanting to file a contempt of court complaint, but fair what it would do to the kids. I gave up custody with the verbel understanding that once I worked on myself we would join together with joint custody, of course when he re-mairried this all changed. The step mother has several disorders such as Agniphobia, fear of sleeping alone, fear of driving, panic attacks, post pardom, and other disorders. The evaluations tuched on some of this, but pretty much excussed them. I waited a year before deciding to go ahead with this out of fear again what it would do to the kids. When my 9 year old wrote a letter about wanting to take her life and I found out threw my 11 year old is when I lost it. I tryed to talk to him, but was blown off, so whent to the school councler to have my ex tell me how dear I goto the councler with out telling him. This is when I finnally decided I had to do what was best for them and fight for my rights as a mother and there right to be provided for in a safe secure environment. I love my daughters very much and have always wanted what was best for them. My ex seems to think that the less they see me they better it is for them. I was just looking for some advise on this whole thing. And wonderd it the Step Mom could have the Boarder line mother thing. Just today because my visitation falls on a Holiday that is his turn he is preventing me from making up the time. And we ran into his sister in the video store and she said to my 11 year old "your Mom let me use your blanket" she looked at her with a question mark on her face. Then his sister said "your mom let me use your blanket, she whent into all your girls rooms and got all your blankets for us" She was refuring to her Step Mom as her Mom. I was paralized right where I stood, not able to speak or move. When I could move I just walked away. This is all so hard and I am fighting to keep my streangth in all of this. It is getting harder and harder to hide my hurt from the kids. S
Sorry about any spelling or typ errors, no spell check on this. Thanks and any in put would be great.
Krista
Step Moms are not the enemy.
Posted by: dibette
Posted on: 2005-01-21 10:05:45
My fiancee's exwife abuses their children emotionally. Severe parental alienation syndrome is a form of abuse that is rarely recognized by any authority, like the courts and law guardians. A parent who is guilty of such accuses EVERYONE else of making the problems, and convinces her (most of the time the mother is the alienator) children of her righteousness. A child who depends on their mother for everything is likely to align themselves with her for sheer survival, while denying their father at every turn. I KNOW she has lied and cheated, and employed the older child to assist and lie right along with her to deny my fiancee his children. No one is perfect, but he has never had his children lie to the police to have HER arrested. He has never told the children SHE is evil. He has never told the children HER boyfriends are diseased and not to sit next to them at the dinner table. Examine your own motives. We could all care for the children and provide them with everything they need and she is denying them that. We do not interfere with rules, because she does not make any rules.
Posted by: dibette
Posted on: 2005-01-21 10:05:45
My fiancee's exwife abuses their children emotionally. Severe parental alienation syndrome is a form of abuse that is rarely recognized by any authority, like the courts and law guardians. A parent who is guilty of such accuses EVERYONE else of making the problems, and convinces her (most of the time the mother is the alienator) children of her righteousness. A child who depends on their mother for everything is likely to align themselves with her for sheer survival, while denying their father at every turn. I KNOW she has lied and cheated, and employed the older child to assist and lie right along with her to deny my fiancee his children. No one is perfect, but he has never had his children lie to the police to have HER arrested. He has never told the children SHE is evil. He has never told the children HER boyfriends are diseased and not to sit next to them at the dinner table. Examine your own motives. We could all care for the children and provide them with everything they need and she is denying them that. We do not interfere with rules, because she does not make any rules.
Step parent
Posted by: detiny49
Posted on: 2005-01-15 10:00:50
there are questions that need to be answered first. who has custody of the daughter? Is the father actively involved in the daughter's life or just at his convinence? If you are the step mom do you take charge or do you allow the father and the natural mother to make decisions for the child? Here is a great book for all parents to read:
The visitation Handbook
it is a complete guide to parenting apart for non custodial parents and custodial parents it is two books in one. Author: Brette McWhorter Sember.
Posted by: detiny49
Posted on: 2005-01-15 10:00:50
there are questions that need to be answered first. who has custody of the daughter? Is the father actively involved in the daughter's life or just at his convinence? If you are the step mom do you take charge or do you allow the father and the natural mother to make decisions for the child? Here is a great book for all parents to read:
The visitation Handbook
it is a complete guide to parenting apart for non custodial parents and custodial parents it is two books in one. Author: Brette McWhorter Sember.
step parenting
Posted by: red2004
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:40:56
My husband and the mother have joint custody. She has physical custody of the child. There has been no ill will towards each other. I am including the the step father as well. Until this last months. I the step parent and the mother have gotton along for years. We have talked on the phone for hours when we call each other about the child. Due to the time different of 3 hours. I usually do the the arrangements but only after talking to my husband and relaying messages back and forth for the two of them. But for her to attack us on such false allegations and she knows it.My husband and her talked about it. She just wants what she wants. As long as it suits her , then everything in her world is fine.
I have read the rest of your comments about your daughter. I am not in agreement with the cell phone idea. If it is their time to spend together.Then let them have that with out this cell phone lingering on the side. If something were to happen. One. your daughter knows how to use the phone. She can call you. Two. If it is really bad. The father probaly will call even if you don't think he would. With our situation. During the summer visits. We have set up a day and time that the mother is to call. Usually on Sundays because that is a day that we don't really get out of the house and just stay home and relax. If the child is not going to be there because of spending time with other family members. We would email the mom letting her know where the child will be and the numbers to reach her at. If you have to modify the parenting plan to include what days for the father to call and times allowed and for how long. Do that. That way it can be documented by you. Whether he called or not.
Now For the step Mother and her evils ways. You need to bring this to the fathers attention and demand that this harrasment stop immeditiately. Tell him that you are trying to put the best interest of the the child first. That you haven't and wont' interfer with visitations that is stated in the papers. But no where in the papers does it state that I am to be harrased by the step parents for her own fun kicks. That his daughter will see right through all of her tactics and when she is older . The child will ask him. Why did you allow my step mom to be so mean to my mom. That she may not want to have anything to do with her father if it includes that women and her nasty tongue. You have to rise above them and show with actions that you are not playing head games anymore. If you have to change your phone number and only make it available to him through a 3rd party. Do it. There is no reason that the child should have the
stress of adults at the age of 12. He will have to answer to his daughter in the long run. As long as you are being encouraging to your daughter to have fun on her visits and not be offended by the things she says when she gets back about how she did have fun while being with them. She will love you for understanding and allowing the relationship with her father grow despite what the evil step parent does.
Posted by: red2004
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:40:56
My husband and the mother have joint custody. She has physical custody of the child. There has been no ill will towards each other. I am including the the step father as well. Until this last months. I the step parent and the mother have gotton along for years. We have talked on the phone for hours when we call each other about the child. Due to the time different of 3 hours. I usually do the the arrangements but only after talking to my husband and relaying messages back and forth for the two of them. But for her to attack us on such false allegations and she knows it.My husband and her talked about it. She just wants what she wants. As long as it suits her , then everything in her world is fine.
I have read the rest of your comments about your daughter. I am not in agreement with the cell phone idea. If it is their time to spend together.Then let them have that with out this cell phone lingering on the side. If something were to happen. One. your daughter knows how to use the phone. She can call you. Two. If it is really bad. The father probaly will call even if you don't think he would. With our situation. During the summer visits. We have set up a day and time that the mother is to call. Usually on Sundays because that is a day that we don't really get out of the house and just stay home and relax. If the child is not going to be there because of spending time with other family members. We would email the mom letting her know where the child will be and the numbers to reach her at. If you have to modify the parenting plan to include what days for the father to call and times allowed and for how long. Do that. That way it can be documented by you. Whether he called or not.
Now For the step Mother and her evils ways. You need to bring this to the fathers attention and demand that this harrasment stop immeditiately. Tell him that you are trying to put the best interest of the the child first. That you haven't and wont' interfer with visitations that is stated in the papers. But no where in the papers does it state that I am to be harrased by the step parents for her own fun kicks. That his daughter will see right through all of her tactics and when she is older . The child will ask him. Why did you allow my step mom to be so mean to my mom. That she may not want to have anything to do with her father if it includes that women and her nasty tongue. You have to rise above them and show with actions that you are not playing head games anymore. If you have to change your phone number and only make it available to him through a 3rd party. Do it. There is no reason that the child should have the
stress of adults at the age of 12. He will have to answer to his daughter in the long run. As long as you are being encouraging to your daughter to have fun on her visits and not be offended by the things she says when she gets back about how she did have fun while being with them. She will love you for understanding and allowing the relationship with her father grow despite what the evil step parent does.
Step parents are not evil
Posted by: dibette
Posted on: 2005-01-21 10:19:33
Not all step parents are evil or controlling. NEVER would I try to take the place of my step sons' mother. The mother, however, has always forced the children to hug her various boyfriends and treat them as "fathers." The children are not even allowed to be civil to me when she is around because she is so threatened by the relationship between my husband and me, and the home we provide for the boys when they are here. As soon as she is out of sight, there is a 180 degree turnaround and our true relationship surfaces. Is your child's step parent acting out without provocation? It is very easy to look at our own actions and see nothing wrong, to justify what we do. Neither my husband or I are perfect and we have made mistakes over the last 6 years, but the level of virulence we get from his sons' mother goes way beyond anything I have ever seen. To the point that the older son has been completely alienated and refuses to see his father. He has replaced his father with his mother's current husband who, as a non-custodial father himself, should not be doing the things he is doing, either.
Posted by: dibette
Posted on: 2005-01-21 10:19:33
Not all step parents are evil or controlling. NEVER would I try to take the place of my step sons' mother. The mother, however, has always forced the children to hug her various boyfriends and treat them as "fathers." The children are not even allowed to be civil to me when she is around because she is so threatened by the relationship between my husband and me, and the home we provide for the boys when they are here. As soon as she is out of sight, there is a 180 degree turnaround and our true relationship surfaces. Is your child's step parent acting out without provocation? It is very easy to look at our own actions and see nothing wrong, to justify what we do. Neither my husband or I are perfect and we have made mistakes over the last 6 years, but the level of virulence we get from his sons' mother goes way beyond anything I have ever seen. To the point that the older son has been completely alienated and refuses to see his father. He has replaced his father with his mother's current husband who, as a non-custodial father himself, should not be doing the things he is doing, either.
Posted by: detiny49
Posted on: 2005-01-15 10:00:50
I have a situation with the step mom, my ex and I have been divorced for almost 5 yrs now, however he keeps sending me to court. he isn't a big part of her life, and the step mom well, man what can I say. This woman malnipulates, lies to get her way, she will not allow me to speak to my daughter when she is over her dad's house. the step mom took a cell phone that I gave my daughter so we could stay in communication without disturbing the father's home, the step mom took the phone away from her and said she was not allowed to talk to me her mom, she also blocked my number from their home number so i could not get in contact with my daughter. This woman comes to my home unannounced and sits by my home. she sends me nasty emails, that i do not respond to. I really would like to get along with everyone for my daughter's sake, however the ex and the step mom doesn't see it that way. they want it their way are no way at all.My ex never calls our daughter, our daughter has to do all the calling, and on his wednesday visitation he is never available to do them, however he sends the step mom to do his visitation. to me i think this is not her responsibility it is solely his. not to say that she can't be with him that is not what i am saying, she should not do his visitation alone. after all i did not marry her, I did not have this child with her, and i didn't divorce her. What can i do to stop this harrassment from the step mom. p.s. the police have been called many times.
Posted by: detiny49
Posted on: 2005-01-15 10:00:50
I am a single mom that has primary custody of my daughter, my ex and I have been divorced for almost 5 yrs. My ex cheated on me with a woman he is now married too, they lived together before we where ever divorced, the step mom keeps interfering. She lies, and malnipulates and is very controlling.My ex is not actively involved in our daughter's life, The step mom keeps doing his visitation without my ex. Should she be allowed to do his visitation? I have tried so hard to get along with my ex and his wife, but they keep taking me to court to gain custody, why you ask, well my ex and his wife can't stand that he has to pay child support, they know that I am a great mom. why else would he not see her. He doesn't see her very much, and most of the time when it is his visitation he has other things to do than to be with his daughter. He doesn't call his daughter at all, but the step mom calls. is this right? She sends me nasty emails, putting me down, and such, of course I do not respond to her emails, for it has nothing to do with my daughter's well being.sometimes the step mom comes by and sits right outside my house. We have been to court at least five times in the past year, 2 times the court presidings have been dismissed in favor of me. The step mom will not allow me to talk with my daughter when my ex has her, the step mom has blocked my home number from their number. I gave my daughter a cell phone so there would be no more conflict. however the step mom took the cell phone from my daughter and told her she was not allowed to speak to me while visiting her father. I do not call them to often once every other day on the holidays, and only one time on his weekend visitation, for I know that they need time together as well. however the step mom thinks i should have no communication at all with my daughter while she is with her father. this woman creates alot of drama for my daughter and me. My ex doesn't like me dating either, he has told my daughter that what if the men she is seeing rapes or kills your mother, now to me that is something that should never be said to our 12 yr. old daughter, I assure you I do not date alot and the men which are very few that I am interested in does not have any contact with my daughter. when I do go out on a date it is when my daughter is with her father on his visitation. someone please help me with this step mom and ex. that presists on emotionally abusing my daughter and me.
MAKING YOUR LIFE HELL
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:18:41
Don't underestimate you daughters intuition. She just doesn't know there is a name for it - it is called "insanity". And it will very likely have a detrimental longterm effect on her emotional development. Here are some additional books which may be of interest to you:
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James Masterson OR Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown OR Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
Most of the book I have mentioned cost about $15 each. They can also be purchased or ordered from a local bookstore. Most are readily available in local city or county libraries. And many libraries will purchase books which are recommended by the patrons.
Hope it helps!
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:18:41
Don't underestimate you daughters intuition. She just doesn't know there is a name for it - it is called "insanity". And it will very likely have a detrimental longterm effect on her emotional development. Here are some additional books which may be of interest to you:
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James Masterson OR Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown OR Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
Most of the book I have mentioned cost about $15 each. They can also be purchased or ordered from a local bookstore. Most are readily available in local city or county libraries. And many libraries will purchase books which are recommended by the patrons.
Hope it helps!
children coping with high conflict personalities
Posted by: sharonbe
Posted on: 2005-01-15 20:28:56
Children need to feel safe and get safety from their parents-no better people in this world. I feel the best thing to do is set a threshold of manipulation-when __ does this, we will gather our things and leave. The difficult thing is dealing with the "they're family, and we love them" you can love your family but not get dragged into their problems by setting limits and building your own rituals that are of your own. Becky Bailey (2000) has a wonderful book "I love you rituals" that help build the parent-child relationship and help the child regulate/self calm themself.
Posted by: sharonbe
Posted on: 2005-01-15 20:28:56
Children need to feel safe and get safety from their parents-no better people in this world. I feel the best thing to do is set a threshold of manipulation-when __ does this, we will gather our things and leave. The difficult thing is dealing with the "they're family, and we love them" you can love your family but not get dragged into their problems by setting limits and building your own rituals that are of your own. Becky Bailey (2000) has a wonderful book "I love you rituals" that help build the parent-child relationship and help the child regulate/self calm themself.
Loving your step children
Posted by: marybb2
Posted on: 2005-04-03 00:04:14
I raised four children of my own and three step children. They are in thier 30's and 40's now raising their own families. The thing I tried to teach all of them was "how to love." It involves being open minded (sometimes in spite of the fathers) and accepting of them as people with feelings, hopes and desires of their own. Do not assume that the "other" parent does not love their child. And, talk, yes, talk, talk, talk to the other parent. Let them know you have their child's best interest. One major thing I told my step children's mother was, "It can never hurt your child if more than one person loves them. The more love and caring they have, the better." Yes, conflict does happen, but in the end I had the mother of those children calling me for advice, and I was the one who raised them in their worst years... the teen years. I made sure they called their mother and wrote her at least once a month. They now have gone on with their lives and have a good relationship with her. It makes me feel good that I took the "high" road.
Posted by: marybb2
Posted on: 2005-04-03 00:04:14
I raised four children of my own and three step children. They are in thier 30's and 40's now raising their own families. The thing I tried to teach all of them was "how to love." It involves being open minded (sometimes in spite of the fathers) and accepting of them as people with feelings, hopes and desires of their own. Do not assume that the "other" parent does not love their child. And, talk, yes, talk, talk, talk to the other parent. Let them know you have their child's best interest. One major thing I told my step children's mother was, "It can never hurt your child if more than one person loves them. The more love and caring they have, the better." Yes, conflict does happen, but in the end I had the mother of those children calling me for advice, and I was the one who raised them in their worst years... the teen years. I made sure they called their mother and wrote her at least once a month. They now have gone on with their lives and have a good relationship with her. It makes me feel good that I took the "high" road.
High conflict personality disorders
Posted by: sharonbe
Posted on: 2005-01-15 20:28:56
I wouldn't be quick to judge the parent(s) having a personality disorder. They obviously were hurt by the divorce and cannot see past their hurt for the sake of their child. I agree with Dr. Phil that the parents need joint counseling because it would benefit the child to have their parents on the same page with discipline, events, etc. Post divorce civility is an important part to families surviving divorce. When people are hurt, they don't see events very clearly and are quick to blame and distort things - slashing tires, etc. Like Dr. Phil said, who cares who did it and what happened. The child is the one caught in the middle here. The parents need to see further than their nose and do what is right for the child.
Posted by: sharonbe
Posted on: 2005-01-15 20:28:56
I wouldn't be quick to judge the parent(s) having a personality disorder. They obviously were hurt by the divorce and cannot see past their hurt for the sake of their child. I agree with Dr. Phil that the parents need joint counseling because it would benefit the child to have their parents on the same page with discipline, events, etc. Post divorce civility is an important part to families surviving divorce. When people are hurt, they don't see events very clearly and are quick to blame and distort things - slashing tires, etc. Like Dr. Phil said, who cares who did it and what happened. The child is the one caught in the middle here. The parents need to see further than their nose and do what is right for the child.
SINGLE MOTHERS OR SOON TO BE
Posted by: 4allus
Posted on: 2005-01-16 16:37:09
Get the book: NO HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO YOU BY PEGGY LEE why is a book of memoirs of struggling single mother situations, it's a book on letting go moving on standing up it speaks about vindictive fathers who go to all sorts of procedures to get back at their children mother for not wanting to be with them or having to pay child support at the same time not expediting a father/child relationship. Those things get to women and we can't let it, the intention is to make us seem crazy or mentally inadequate to cope with life situations. This book says no happy fathers day to you and happy fathers day to him also what the courts see and approve of, my children need me to be strong even when I'm weak and pissed the fathers and sadly the courts are looking for you to be unstabled sometimes like the lady with her twin girls taken away from her all because of her uncontrollable emotions, while the father said nothing. STOP LOVING AND TRYING TO IMPRESS THESE MEN MORE THAN YOURSELF AND OWN CHILDREN take journals into accounts, that's what my lawyer just told me considering I'm now having to go to court because my son's father is angry that he has to pay child support, last time he seen or spoke to my son was in 4/04 for 15minutes last time we received support was I don't know several years. Now he wants custody- name change and modifications all over money. he makes $5000-$10,000 a month he doesn't want to pay $300. so i have to write down when he calls or visits or whatever else that's relavent, I hope you all do the same we came up with sign in and out sheets for him I WISH YOU ALL GOD'S LUCK
DR. PHIL WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE COURTS ALWAYS HUSH YOU JUST FOR RAISING YOUR HAND TO SAY SOMETHING? only wanting to hear the father who's just lying and you hear him lying with every other sentence, yet they tell him what he was trying to say. He'll say he hasn't seen his child for a while then a representative will tell him why, but never allow me to speak, he file for all of these procedings never showed up it went on for months and months and they still wouldn't hear me without him being there WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY EVERY TIME?
Posted by: 4allus
Posted on: 2005-01-16 16:37:09
Get the book: NO HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO YOU BY PEGGY LEE why is a book of memoirs of struggling single mother situations, it's a book on letting go moving on standing up it speaks about vindictive fathers who go to all sorts of procedures to get back at their children mother for not wanting to be with them or having to pay child support at the same time not expediting a father/child relationship. Those things get to women and we can't let it, the intention is to make us seem crazy or mentally inadequate to cope with life situations. This book says no happy fathers day to you and happy fathers day to him also what the courts see and approve of, my children need me to be strong even when I'm weak and pissed the fathers and sadly the courts are looking for you to be unstabled sometimes like the lady with her twin girls taken away from her all because of her uncontrollable emotions, while the father said nothing. STOP LOVING AND TRYING TO IMPRESS THESE MEN MORE THAN YOURSELF AND OWN CHILDREN take journals into accounts, that's what my lawyer just told me considering I'm now having to go to court because my son's father is angry that he has to pay child support, last time he seen or spoke to my son was in 4/04 for 15minutes last time we received support was I don't know several years. Now he wants custody- name change and modifications all over money. he makes $5000-$10,000 a month he doesn't want to pay $300. so i have to write down when he calls or visits or whatever else that's relavent, I hope you all do the same we came up with sign in and out sheets for him I WISH YOU ALL GOD'S LUCK
DR. PHIL WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE COURTS ALWAYS HUSH YOU JUST FOR RAISING YOUR HAND TO SAY SOMETHING? only wanting to hear the father who's just lying and you hear him lying with every other sentence, yet they tell him what he was trying to say. He'll say he hasn't seen his child for a while then a representative will tell him why, but never allow me to speak, he file for all of these procedings never showed up it went on for months and months and they still wouldn't hear me without him being there WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY EVERY TIME?
