06/07 Dr. Phil Takes on Abusers

Why do people assume?
Posted by: morzi3002
Posted on: 2005-01-15 12:06:45

Hey there, I'm up here in Canada and this topic really bothers me! I was reading what the shows going to be about next Monday January 17 and why do people always think that its just man abusing woman. I'm living proof that its starting to happen the other way. The reason it bothers me so much is the fact that woman who have been abused have a place to go, but what about the man who maybe aren't that close to family members, they are no shelters for abused men. I'm not trying to be rude but woman have come a long way in the world towards equal rights and I think that's amazing,now what about us abused men!!Where do we go? Where the programs for us? Penny for thought from Canada!

Thanks Paul
There is help
Posted by: deeingaltx
Posted on: 2005-01-15 13:01:51

There are quite a few shelters throughout Texas that help battered Men. Its not just women for sure and I can help anyone who is looking for the resources to leave a battering relationship. I am a crisis intervention specialist and work in crisis center in Texas. I have alot of really good resources all over the US and in Canada if anyone needs someone. Please contact me.
Deanna
Cycle of Violence Wheel
Posted by: deeingaltx
Posted on: 2005-01-15 15:57:53

Abuse in relationships is described as the use of power and control by one person over an intimate partner. In most abusive relationships, physical violence is only one part of the violence, and may even be a rare event. The "Power and Control Wheel" created by the Domestic Violence Project, Inc. in Duluth, vividly portrays how this works.

The spokes on the wheel illustrate the many ways abusers exert power and control. The outer rim of the wheel depicts physical violence. As long as the psychological abuse, threats and intimidation keeps an abused person under control in the batterer's mind, physical violence is unnecessary. All that is required is the threat of violence. This might explain why the abuser feels justified in blaming his/her victim for the need to hit or physically abuse him/her: she/he wasn't obeying, complying, doing her job, etc., so she needed to be punished or reminded of her duty.
www.caadv.org/docs/powerwheel.pdf
To see the wheel
IT NOW HAS A NAME - HOUSEHOLD INSANITY
Posted by: anon_slcut
Posted on: 2005-01-17 11:03:58

Anyone who had the misfortune of being raised in a household of utter emotional chaos may be interested in reading:

Treating Borderline States in Marriage: Dealing With Oppositionalism, Ruthless Aggression, and Severe Resistance by Charles C. McCormack

What Parents Need to Know About Sibling Abuse: Breaking the Cycle of Violence by Vernon Wiehe OR Understanding Family Violence : Treating and Preventing Partner, Child, Sibling and Elder Abuse by Vernon Wiehe

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth, Freda Friedman and Randi Kreger OR The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen

No this type of household interaction is not normal and hopefully will never be accepted as normal.

Hope it helps!
Household Insanity--I teach their kids
Posted by: 4utrev
Posted on: 2005-01-17 18:21:56

Thank you so much for the references! I plan to get these books to read share with the incarcerated teenage males in my computer class. The students do not believe me when I say my children were not spanked, grounded, or made to feel guilty for their actions. The students find it incredible that my children knew they better tell the truth no matter what and that my children were not punished. Now they have to listen to and answer hard questions about incidents. My children knew the parent lecture would be worse if they told a lie and we found out. It only took one time for them to realize the truth was the best "way out". :) Thanks again for the book references.
HOUSEHOLD INSANITY - INCARERATED TEENS
Posted by: anon_slcut
Posted on: 2005-01-17 20:57:08

Related and probably more appropriate books for both teenagers (and adults) might be:

Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James Masterson OR Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin (Advanced Narcassism).

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth, Freda Friedman and Randi Kreger OR The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen

There are also some recently published books on "teaching children compassion".

Hope it helps!
Just because it isn't physical....
Posted by: jefl19
Posted on: 2005-01-17 20:54:46

A year ago I was divorced from a man who verbally, emotionally, psychologically and sexually abused me on a daily basis. This went on for over 11 years. I tried everything I could to " fix " the relationship and was sure that if I loved him more, if I loved him better, if I did more for him, if I devoted my whole existence to pleasing him things would improve. I was subjected to a daily diet of negativity and anger as he used me for his " whipping boy " taking out on me what he could not deal with during that day. He criticized my house cleaning, my system of keeping our financial records, my emotional sensitivity, my values, and even the way I weeded the yard. He compared me to former lovers and criticized my sexual performance. He insisted that I engage in sexual activities that I told him I did not want insisting that " if I relaxed I would enjoy it." He shared the intimate details of our sex life with his male friends ( and told me of theirs ). He told me that I could not live without him, that I needed him to take care of me, and that no one could ever love me the way he did. He told me that my family did not love me and only used me because I was most convenient to care for my elderly Mother. He interrogated me any time I was gone from the house for more than an hour and accused me of having affairs. He destroyed my self-esteem so completely that I attempted suicide on three different occasions ( the last time close to successfully ). The hospital where I was treated refused to discharge me before setting me up with a support group for abused & battered women. I never returned to him after being discharged from the hospital....I was advised by my hospital caregivers that I would probably be dead from a fourth suicide attempt if I did return to him. At the divorce trial all of this was presented to the judge who dismissed the abuse because I had never reported any physical abuse to the police. Certainly she does not accept the fact that " just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it isn't abuse."
The judge's decision left me feeling like I was being abused all over again. I know that I will never be free of the impact of my ex-husband's cruel and demeaning tirades. Physical injuries may heal but the emotional scars are forever.
be gentle with yourself
Posted by: crazylobo
Posted on: 2005-01-17 23:33:03

Your ex husband, sounds just like mine. It does get better, don't be so hard on yourself, or become angry. Take some classes learn something that you always wanted to do. Take a trip overseas, travel. My scars are there but you slowly realize its still a beautiful world, and your beautiful too!!! You can anything!!!
finding God
Posted by: tabbert
Posted on: 2005-01-30 16:34:52

My name is Gina and I'm 39 yrs old and have been in a very abusive relationship, I would'nt even call it a relationship, it was more like HELL. I have 3 children and one belongs to my abuser. I tried for 3 years to get away from this man and every time I got up enough courage to leave he would find me and beg me to give him an other chance and to please help him to be a better person and as soon as I would take him back the monster cycle would start all over again. The only way I was able to escape was finding Jesus.He was always there with me, I just needed to ask him into my heart and believe
that he was my lord and savior.As soon as God came into my life everything changed. I had the monster arrested and he has been out of my life ever since. Sure he has tried to contact me but I grew strong and started to believe in myself again and I knew that my children and I deserved so much better. I am now a very happy women and I met a wonderful man who adores me and my kids and we have been happily married for 5 years now. I blamed myself for putting up with the abuse for as long as I did and the guilt is getting easier to deal with. And my children are safe and happy. I know that the emotional scars will always be there but all I can do is thank God that we are all OK and pray for this person that caused so much pain.
finding God
Posted by: linsay28
Posted on: 2005-06-07 19:15:51

My situation is similar to yours (Gina). My husband used to physically and emotionally abuse me because he was on drugs. I stayed in the marriage because I felt there was no way out. I did not have a job and I have 3 kids.I did separate many times but always came back because I did not have a job. The only way I survived in the marriage was because God was with me. God gave me the wisdom not to argue back with my spouse when he was on drugs. The physical abuse did not happen that much but the emotional abuse was there. Seeing my husband out of control and all I could do was pray. I had him arrested 2 times and filed for divorce. I still did not have a job to pay for the divorce. I listened to an aunt who told me I had to stay in my marriage because I was a Christian. My husband was trying to change. He was going to church with me and stopped drinking and doing drugs. I took him back even though I didn't want to. After a while he started drinking again. As of today, still I have no job and feel that my life is slowly going back to the way it used to be. I have expressed to my spouse that I will leave him again if he doesn't give up drinking or doing drugs. Without a job it's hard since I have 3 kids. I shouldn't had listened to my aunt. I don't blame anybody but myself. At least you got out. I wished I had done that myself but I do have Jesus in my life and so I will keep praying for things to get better.
Stop praying and do what has to be done
Posted by: popsicle67
Posted on: 2005-06-09 22:09:42

You don't have the right to keep waiting for Jesus to help you, you need to help yourself and your children before they start to think that they live a normal life.
I speak as an abuser. I was abusive with my ex-wife physically, sexually, emotionally, and financially for almost the entire time we were together from dating on. I did not believe that I was a bad person, I had plenty of people telling me I was a grade A
guy even after I was arrested for assault.
As for your husband, kicking drugs and alcohol will not change the attitudes that
justify his abusive behavior. You need to
contact your local community action network
and get divorced. My ex had no job and hardly any training, just fear of me. Now she is an LPN and is finishing her RN year coming
up and she even found the time to forgive me and be my friend again. The most important thing to remember is you are not responsible for whether or not your husband
changes, HE IS. You need to get out and on your own and leave him to find his way.If he really loves you he will get help and find a way to be acceptable(that is if you want to keep him). I'm sure that like my ex you will find the beauty and fun in life again and go your own way though. Remember the only rule is make a safe, happy world for your kids, they are your ultimate responsibility.
re:just because it isn't physical
Posted by: gladymae
Posted on: 2005-01-17 23:49:59

I still have nightmeres after 20 years.
Dreams can release
Posted by: buffy95
Posted on: 2005-01-20 20:59:18

I understand how you can still have nightmares many years after the event. I too was physically abused, mainly in my childhood and once in my marriage; but me and my husband managed to work it out, through counselling, and realising that it was just a reaction to grief, after my father died. My husband is no longer abusive, toward me, and we're getting ready to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary. Anyway, as a child my father beat me severely and I was always in trouble with a capital "T". I was forever in fear of the "wait until your father gets home!" threat. I hated my mum for that. And sure as clockwork, my dad would come home and I would get the belting of my life! One time, when I got in trouble for teasing my little brother, my dad hit me repetively over the head with a torch, to this day, that action has caused me health problems. I too suffer from nightmares and repressed memories are forever haunting me. All of my nightmares, see me, either as a child or as an adult, in my old childhood home, where most of the abuse occured. It's frightening and scary and the worst thing about it, is that it was real! Lots of people may say, "hey don't worry it was only a dream" but how can they say that when the "dream" was "your reality" throughout childhood. And there are things, even today, that carry on from that abuse. My constant struggle with my weight, as I put layer upon layer of fat onto myself to protect me. My health problems which stem from when he hit me too hard over the head, it's never ending. But, in time, the nightmares I know will become less and less, and fewer and further between. Through counselling, I know one day I shall be free to be thin and the ongoing health problems are becoming less and less. What I found freeing was to write my dad a letter saying "why did you do this to me?" and have him positively respond, a few short months before he died. I started a journey with him, that I wasn't able to continue, but at least I tried to mend the pain of my past by confronting my past, and it was very liberating. Now today, I face my past through journal writings, reading books, and going to helpful websites, like Dr Phil's. It may help you to see a counsellor, or at least, read a book "Courage to Heal" is an excellent book I can highly recommend. Other than that, I hope it helps to know someone cares and is listening to you, ie: me, from across the world in Australia. Take care and be safe - Buffy95
re: just because it isn't physical
Posted by: greenfrog3
Posted on: 2005-03-19 16:30:10

I to have been is an abusive marrage. I understand what it is like to have night mares, but it does get better.
I meet my ex on the internet and he was from another country. We communicated on the phone for about 14 months. I advised him what my religious back ground was. I did not keep any secrets from him. He came over and was very sweet very pushy but I thought that what I was feeling was love. So I married him and started finding out alot of what he did not tell me. I take responsobility for my actions. He start isolating me from my family and friends. He would treat me as if I did not know how to to anything. He put a knife to me. I left him after 13 months. We went to counceling and he would saythings like do you think they will tell us wwe are finished. This was after 3 secions. I know we were far from it. I found out that he tried to kill himself by putting a gun to his head. He has been in counceling before. He would call me 15 to 30 times in an hour. To see where I was who I was with and what I was doing. I could not go to my parents house because he then would ask the fifthy million questions then say I never get anything done. I had a tubel and almosrt lost my life. He was a truck driver and was away on a trip. Thanks to my parents they were there for me. All my ex could say to my dad was the doc better not take anything out he is not supose to or I will come back and cut his ball off. Not once did he ask how I was doing. I left him when I was 5 months along. because he was sexually abusing me. I did not relize that was what it was until I left. He keep acusing me of cheating everytime he came home. He was gettting verbaully abusive and physcally. He would hold me down on the bed, hid my cell phone, hid my keys and that one was for a week. Knoing I was frantic about loosing them and he had them with him all week in the truck. He pushed me to the wall when we were talk about sex and he said he might as well get it some where else and I told him he probubly was. That was the last straw. So I left i was better then that. I then out a pertective order on. He had never seen his child but has been using him to get to me by going to court and he is 18 months behind in child suport. We worked it out with our attorneys on how he can communicate with his child but still abuses that. I have had to file reports with the police do to violation of the protective order. He now still violates the orders and was deported out of the usa.
Can He stop
Posted by: spcdaysmom
Posted on: 2005-06-07 16:38:45

He says he will never hit again, though he still raises his voice and his hands... he hasn't hit.... Can he stop without help? Will he hit again? He grabs and he shoves, but says this isn't abuse.
No He Won't
Posted by: popsicle67
Posted on: 2005-06-09 22:09:49

He will not stop because it he is only using different tactics to achieve his goals, as soon as it stops working he will
go back to what does. LEAVE PLEASE.
Free
Posted by: etrebi
Posted on: 2005-01-17 23:59:26

Hey, I have been there and in court too. I have a hard time not blaming myself but when I think of other women it makes me realize they were not to blame and neither was I. With therapy and time, those emotional scars become less of an impact on who you are and how you feel about yourself. Don't let your past dictate who you are but let it help what you will become. You made a wonderful step by leaving him. I am so very proud of you and God would never want his creation (YOU) treated the way you have been. Thanks for leaving him. It helps other women do the same!!
There is light at the end of the tunnel
Posted by: deburq
Posted on: 2005-01-18 09:52:53

Speaking from my own experience, the minute I stopped believing I was a victim was the empowering point of my life. My abuser had taken enough from me, I was not going to let him take any more. I learned to love and respect myself, which built my self-esteem and confidence. My journey started with Dr.Dyer - Pulling Your Own Strings. For 22yrs now I've lived abuse free. I even have a healthy relationship with my ex.
the light
Posted by: rick04
Posted on: 2005-01-21 14:30:08

Great job on moving on. I have been away for 3 years and it is a wonderful feeling to be me. Many classes, thereapy and a wonderful supportive husband has made the difference.
getting away from them
Posted by: fedupdv
Posted on: 2005-06-13 13:09:03

i am divorced from my abusive x for over 2 years, but he still uses our daughter and the courts to harass and control me. i live in a city that i can not afford. and my x is refusing to allow me to move with our daughter. i don't see how i can ever get my own life with this situation. any advice???