06/08 The Real Lives of Desperate Housewives

was this inspired by the tv show?
Posted by: jeditom
Posted on: 2004-11-08 09:58:49

There's the show "Desperate Housewives" on ABC and I wondered if this came about because of that show. Both are a real eye-opener when it comes to people living double lives, keeping dark and nasty secrets, and risking it all.
inspired or not
Posted by: bsmalltown
Posted on: 2005-06-09 19:26:53

I watch the tv show regularly. Whether or not it was inspired by the show, it is so on the mark. I am sure there are so many people out there who are living double lives. I know this because I am one of them. I am a small town housewife, born and raised small town, married for 15 years, a supposed good wife, and mother, a great friend, and very close with my family. I graduated from Catholic school and volunteer a great deal in the community, but I fear the response from my family and friends should my risky secrets ever leak out!!!!
So
Posted by: lizery
Posted on: 2005-06-10 20:44:17

SO What are your secrets??I have some of my own. Mom of 3, married 13 years. People tell me that they think I have it all together. HAH!
Secrets
Posted by: katrina46
Posted on: 2005-06-11 19:10:06

I have been married 28 years and have many secrets, some that are horrible that happened many years ago. I have ongoing secrets today as well that I keep under my hat.
well, secert
Posted by: cravipurp
Posted on: 2005-06-12 21:29:45

married 14 years that i cant share my secert, if i do, my marriage is over. lose everything i have. have gone insane. dont know what to do.
If I told........
Posted by: bsmalltown
Posted on: 2005-06-13 15:31:20

If I told, they wouldn't be secrets any more. But there are times, that I would like to scream out all my secrets. People think they know me, even my husband, but the real me is seldome seen. On the other hand, I am afraid for my secrets to come out, can't bear to see what others would think of me.
Wife of Pornograhy Addict
Posted by: sliksherma
Posted on: 2004-11-08 10:03:07

I have been married 4 months. Two weeks after our wedding I found pornography on the computer. I always wondered why since we were JUST married we had sex less than once a week and he slept on the couch. We have two small children. I was listening to the wife on the show who's husband was looking at porn and I SO FEEL HER! I feel like every time I find out he's been "looking" a part of me is Murdered. At first I told him that I'm dying inside but it's much more severe than that! His behavior affects me, and affects our children. We are going to counseling twice a month and he STILL says "It's just a picture.. I don't know what the big deal is...If you were more secure with yourself I wouldn't have to look at it... etc etc." It's not a problem to him. It is so strange that this show was on this morning because TODAY WAS THE DAY I was going to find a way to get even with him.Would I go out to a bar and pick up a guy? Would I start smoking again? (He smokes.. why can't I?) Would I leave HIM with the kids and go play poker till all hours of the morning???? I was figuring out what to do. As a direct affect of this show I am not going to seek revenge, I am giong to be teh best mother and wife i can be. At least for today... I Hope he cuts it out..I don't want to go crazy.
To sliksherma
Posted by: hopeful95
Posted on: 2004-11-08 11:05:52

I know what you mean. I have been married for 2 years, and my husband is obsessed with porn. He spends a lot of money on movies and he lies excessively to me. We started counseling in June, but he stopped going, and here we are again dealing with it. I caught him last week-and deep down I truly want to leave him-but we are set to close on the house we are buying this Tuesday. Wonderful timing. I am 28 years old and have absolutely no desire to make love to him, and haven't since I had discovered this disgusting habit. I too want to get even-and maybe the show will deter me for now. But we all have a breaking point-one person can only take so much.
Please keep in touch. I wish you well.
breaking point
Posted by: sliksherma
Posted on: 2004-11-08 12:26:34

I'm wondering where my breaking-point is. It seems I've hit it... but what kind of a message am I sending him by staying? I've told them that he made the commitment to ME.. not to girls on a computer screen. Them or me is what I told him. When do I follow through?
The strange thing is... things are good b/w us otherwise. Like as long as we're fake and superficial with each other this can go on.
I'm being PATIENT but I don't want my patience to be mistaken for TOLERANCE!
shameful
Posted by: colliz2
Posted on: 2004-11-11 13:47:53

in response to your letter, i've been married over 11 years with 2 children and i work part-time. I have a good job a secure carreer, but i don't have the courage to leave. Just like you i am fed up. the shame and disgust i feel for myself is so overwhelming. Not only does my husband love porn he likes me to watch and wants me to act like those women in the videos. How can i continue to allow this. For many years he wanted me to try and be with him and several women at the same time, or he would want me to be with several men while he join in with them all with only me. I NEVER did this. Thank god. When I share this, inside a part of me dies all the time.. I sit here crying as i'm typing. What is wrong with me. Why can't I just go and move on, it is pretty clear that after tons of therapy and me crying about how offened I am by this he isn't going to change. We've done the therapy thing so much that i can't anymore, it is a waste of my precious time and my hard earned money.. After about 9 years he finally admitted how aweful he treats me in the bedroom and even cried, i thought things would change. What i learned was he has no idea how to treat me at all. If it is offensive, dirty and involves really explict words then he knows how to act otherwise, like you said its superficial and just an act. We went for a romantic weekend and yea I watched porn with him. I can't believe it. If i resisted he would have gotten upset with me, If i told him how offened i was he would have said oh get over it, it is no big deal. We spent 800.00 on a very nice room with all amenities to watch porn. Not once did he tell me how beautiful i was or how much he loved me. How and why do i allows this for me. What am I being patient for.....

Posted by: brnohava
Posted on: 2004-11-15 17:24:29

This is all about him,nothing you have done or haven't done-Thank God you have the respect for yourself and didn't join in on his obsession-good for you-Please remember, this is his sickness-not yours and you are entitled to have the compassionate friendship and love that you give, given right back to you! Its out there-Good Luck and God Bless you!
hopeful95
Posted by: dajrdldn
Posted on: 2004-11-09 14:35:58

I have been there too. I wish there was a support group for wives who have been devastated by this filthy habit. This ruined my marriage and although I am still with him I no longer feel any love towards him at all nor do I want to make love with him. This has destroyed any trust I ever had in him. I feel betrayed and I definitely feel it is like an affair. Instead of making love to me, he spent hours on end for months before I caught him looking and lusting after these tramps! Needless to say, he never came near me. Take my advice, install a spyware program to track all computer activity. Don't take his word for it when he says he'll stop.
feeling it
Posted by: k9koll
Posted on: 2004-11-09 15:48:40

Hi, I was so amazed to hear that there are more women out there that has gone through the same devastation I did. I thought perhaps I was over reacting, but I still couldn't help the way I feel. I've always thought that Dr. Phil should do a show about the devastation pornogrophy can reap on a marriage. When I found out about my husbands infidelity (and there is no other word for it as far as I'm concerned) I couldn't believe it. We were married for 8 years and I never in a million years thought that that was an issue for him We are also christians and that made it even harder. When you mentioned a support group for women, I was and am in total agreement. I was so alone at the time, my husband was my best friend and I had no one else to talk to. Like Lynn, on the show, my first thought was revenge, but thankfully the opportunity never presented itself. I guess I could go on and on about this but the paranoia, lack of trust, and hurt isn't one that men seem to get. And like some of the other postings, the hold porn can have on men is something that women can't seem to understand themselves.
you're not alone
Posted by: dajrdldn
Posted on: 2004-11-09 19:23:03

Thanks for the reply. I also felt like I was the only wife this ever happened to. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're overreacting. You're entitled to your feelings. Check Dr. Phil's web site for an article titled " Is internet porn cheating?" Try showing that to your husband. I also wanted revenge. I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me but my morals kept me from doing so. I hope you can overcome this and heal. Unfortunately, it has been 3 years and the hurt is just as raw. I don't feel he really means it when he says he's sorry. We went to 2 different therapists and neither helped. I was made to feel like some uptight prude when what affected me more than the porn was all of the lies, the hiding, the betrayal, the breaking of promises. I've made up my mind to live my own life, create my own happiness. I no longer confide in him. Most of the time, I don't care what he does and I've stopped checking on him. I've given up on him.I wish someone could tell me how to get past this on my own since I don't have his sincere cooperation and he's sick of me bringing it up. Any ideas?
Online Support for Wives
Posted by: purpledart
Posted on: 2004-11-13 20:20:10

There is support out there ladies! New Life Partners (www.newlifepartners.org/) is a christian peer support website for women whose lives have been impacted by husbands or loved ones caught in the web of pornography and/or sexual addiction. My heart goes out to all of you...
Fellow sister in Christ #1
Posted by: siorfin
Posted on: 2005-06-08 19:05:35

Lynn,

I really do hope you are reading this. Let me first start off by stating I have nothing against Dr. Phil, I think he has a good head on his shoulders but he is limited by his knowledge as are all humans. Your story has really struck a nerve with me in a way I cannot really explain other than it must have been the Holy Spirit because I literally had a sense of dread and prayed for you on the spot when I heard you say you belong to Christ. Let me say that if you have read 15 self help books in the months prior to seeing Dr. Phil and they haven’t helped perhaps you have been reading the wrong books.

I must ask before anything else with all of the books you have gone through have you read the word of God? Have you opened your bible and asked God what He thinks about your situation? Your initial reaction is a common human response when we are operating under the control of our flesh, we are not of this world however we are of our Father’s realm in heaven and are only visitors passing through for as long as He desires to accomplish His purposes in our lives which is to conform us to the image of His Son. Have you gone to your heavenly Father in prayer?

Your response of desiring revenge has only made the situation worse as you have plainly testified before quite a bit of the country. Was this the right thing to do? I would suggest to you that no it was not, you know for a fact it is hard to control your emotions but rather they control you. You have according to this show developed an obsession with a married man which now controls you. Can Dr. Phil change your heart? The answer is no, he might be able to change this behavior or that, but he will never be able to deal with the main issue which is mans deceitful and wicked heart, only God can do this.


Sister in Christ #2
Posted by: siorfin
Posted on: 2005-06-08 19:05:35

Let me ask why you feel you cannot support your husband and forgive him? Did not Christ forgive you? Has not the very Creator of the universe whom we have all slighted even as He maintains us by His power not forgiven far more than you will ever possibly forgive? Have we not insulted His name, broken His law, and disobeyed His commandments? Has He not concluded that all are under sin and guilty of eternal wrath? Does the word not say that in spite of all these things He commended His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us? Did Christ not say to the apostle Peter when asked how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins the same sin against me that we should forgive them 70 times 7 times illustrating we should never lack forgiveness of those who are our brothers in Christ? Are we not all one body with Christ as head over all?

I do not mean to condemn your lack of forgiveness but rather illustrate a point. Christ has forgiven us far more than we shall ever have to forgive another so we are not justified in withholding forgiveness to others especially those who are our fellow brothers in Christ. I understand why you would not want to forgive him and I understand the problem you are going through. I understand why you may have been driven to do the things you have done, and I understand the problem your husband is going through.

How could I possibly understand what you are going through let alone what your husband is going through? This is a very good question and I will tell you the answer to that question. I was addicted in the same manner as your husband to pornography for probably 12 years before becoming free. This problem is all consuming just like your obsession with the married man mentioned on today’s episode and your husband’s obsession. You have said you know you should not be doing what you are doing yet you do it anyways. Do you believe scripture deals with such things or that you must go to the world for real help? Let’s see what the apostle Paul has to say about this very feeling which I know you are experiencing from your own admission and from experience.


Sister in Christ #3
Posted by: siorfin
Posted on: 2005-06-08 19:11:09

Romans 7:17-25
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Does this sound familiar? We know what we are to do, we want to do what we are to do, yet we cannot do what we are to do because the very corruption from which Christ came to free you still lives within you, bringing you into captivity to the law of sin and death which dwells within and will always dwell within your mortal flesh until that day when you go to be with our Lord and Savior. What does this mean? Is there no help? There is no help for this from the world, God bless Dr. Phil who does as best he can with what he knows and has experienced but he cannot help you with this problem. What then? Paul answers this question by stating Thanks be to God through our Lord Jesus Christ, do you see the answer?

You will never be free from the urges of your flesh until you stop trying to free yourself and turn to Christ. You will know what you must do but you will never be able to gain true freedom from the demands of your corrupted flesh until you turn to Christ and allow Him to set you free. You are His, you are bought with His blood and He did not make that purchase to see you where you are at. Go to Him, pray to Him, seek His way not the way of this world if you want true freedom.


Sister in Christ #4
Posted by: siorfin
Posted on: 2005-06-08 19:11:09

The world can deal with behaviors and even then the “cure” rate depends a lot upon the problem as Dr. Phil himself has attested. For instance, most sexual addicts like pedophiles cannot really be cured or rather have a very lower recovery rate. I believe tha is how he put it. This is a problem of the heart and the only cure is your Lord and Savior. I know because I have been there and the Lord has set me free through following His ways which are written in His word. I did not go to any psychologist or therapist, I readily loathe such methods and believe they are ineffective for real cures, having gone through mandatory therapy all through childhood as a foster child. The only cure is Jesus Christ but you must know how to take that cure and if you wish I will be happy to start you on the right path.

Your problem is most assuredly deeper now since you have complicated it but I must tell you the solution begins with humbly going before the Lord in repentance for what you have done, both you and your husband and then asking Him to show you in His word how to fix this and following suit. Your marriage can recover from this if God has His way. I thank God that He gave me the wife He gave me as I would not have made it out of my habit without her support. I can show you how to at least begin dealing with this from God’s viewpoint and point you in the right direction for those problems for which I don’t have the answers. With a marriage (perhaps) in jeopardy, I beg and plead with you to go before those who are ministers of God’s word rather than the world for a solution. No Christian should go to anyone but their heavenly Father and His word for help with the problems of this world. I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t seek personal counseling, rather the counseling you do seek should be from a Christian counselor who is going to be able to help you stay focused on God while helping you deal with your problems.

1 Peter 5:7-8
Humble yourselves therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.


Sister in Christ #5
Posted by: siorfin
Posted on: 2005-06-08 19:11:09

malchiafas@hotmail.com is the email address you can contact me at if you wish to find out how God would deal with these problems. I will help you as best I can, which is to show you how I was freed and how Christ used my wife to help me and point you to Christian counselors who can help you with the aftermath which has come and is sure to come. Marriage is a sacred relationship and should be preserved if at all possible which is God’s will.More importantly even than this is your heavenly Father wants to help you in your time of distress and to free you from the bonds which so easily beset us in this life.

At the very least check out www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/our_courses.php

In Christ,

Siorfin